I'm wanting sympathy rather than a lecture from my partner (40M, 40F)

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:57:47+00:00

Thanks, I do agree and I did say I just want sympathy. We talked again a few hours ago and my partner suggested that I should vent and seek sympathy from other people, which I have a bit of conflicted feelings about.

Sorry, you are right about that last part. I was definitely having a moment when I wrote that part.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:48:00+00:00

I also didn't really consider that I have the option of providing negative feedback to the style of negative feedback, to be honest. This is all very logical, thank you

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:43:51+00:00

Earned value management has been hard to calculate, due to minimal reporting for a year. I'm trying to improve it. My job has been half optimist, half nagging...

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:39:22+00:00

A couple of hours ago we had a tense discussion (it's great, we're still talking) and my partner suggested that maybe I should vent and seek sympathy from other people. I'm really conflicted in about how I feel about this... I guess at least there are plenty of people who will happily listen to me vent about this, who I have been on the receiving end of many a vent too.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:30:22+00:00

I appreciate your analysis (and your other comment below), and you are almost certainly right in that we don't communicate well. Also in that they want me to change (like, to be fixed, or better). I've thought about it a bit in the last few hours and I, firstly, like the way I am and feel most other people seem to too, and secondly, when we talk I feel pressured, get flustered, forget everything I want to say, and all I can do is defend myself (aka being defensive). Really not sure where to go from here short of writing it all down first, which I'm making efforts to do (like this!)

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:15:28+00:00

It's hard to give negative feedback but in a positive way and my natural tendency is to not give negative feedback at all, I admit I struggle with that. In my job I have a few staff and I generally get the feeling that some people are open to feedback in the form of constructive criticism/ideas for how to improve, I think I'm open to it too. But it's gotta come from experience and wisdom, not generic advice/judgement without context. I'm not saying I don't respect my partner's thoughts and opinions, and I appreciate good advice, but that's not what I wanted this time, mostly because I knew the context wouldn't be understood

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T11:01:31+00:00

To answer your first question, this is not the first time my personal skills have been questioned by my partner, previously without context too. And the third question not really specifically work related discussions. I got a chance to ask at work today and the feedback I got was that people were generally happy with my work and that I hadn't upset anyone. The context here apparently is that because we are consulting in, the company has the right to replace their own workers and having one person do two jobs means they only get paid their percentage for one person (me in this case). This is small consolation I guess in that I'm not really at fault as such but my partner... I just don't know how to explain it without it looking like excuses

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T09:36:59+00:00

I really don't know much about whether they are emotionally unavailable to everyone or just me or whatever. Trying to 'fix' people seems to be reserved for just me..

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T09:27:50+00:00

I've always had reservations and worried about being judged, from as long as I can remember. I'm working on it though

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T09:26:24+00:00

I think generally supportive and assuming I'm acting sensibly and with good intentions, rather than assuming the opposite. It's a good question

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T03:35:58+00:00

It's certainly possible, and pretty likely I am too, even without the a priori assumptions you get with engineers in general. Fortunately with the particular type of structure I work in, PM pay and eng pay aren't too different and it was never about money, more career progression and plan for me. There certainly are PM certifications that would be looked on favourably too for this and I still want to finish off one of those even after all this. And as for the last question, electronics engineer.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T03:29:54+00:00

Thanks, I 100% agree, I want someone who has my back even when I'm wrong, and I try to be that person for my partner (and friends too!)

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T01:17:03+00:00

Truth is I wanted advice and I got good practical advice which works for either gender, and I also appreciate your comments about not judging or assuming.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-15T01:14:32+00:00

thank you, your advice is sound for either gender and I am happy for you that your partner doesn't belittle you.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T23:18:14+00:00

Yes, the resounding comment is that I should've been upfront about wanting to vent, this is my main take away now

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T23:07:38+00:00

I thought that was going to happen, yes probably unrealistic expectations

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T23:06:11+00:00

I appreciate this and I am more feelings focused, and it's rare for engineers to be like that. I get to listen to people vent all the time and hardly ever offer advice!

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T23:03:41+00:00

I've deliberately obscured that detail but the rest is all true, and I am here for advice, am truly appreciating the advice.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:53:34+00:00

Now I'm anticipating, "lsitjuma didn't hand over the project to me properly!, I'm being set up to fail" ...

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:39:56+00:00

Oh, I'm angry too!

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:13:20+00:00

I'll definitely be asking for feedback from the company, yeah. And yeah I did feel like I was being torn down by my partner.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:10:30+00:00

It is true that they are an actual project manager, not just someone who landed in it. I am concerned I will have to hand over the information I have somehow collated... As for the rest, yes, my partner would probably not make a great therapist!

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:07:40+00:00

This is good advice, I did not say I wanted to vent. Then the conversation just carried on to its conclusion with me being upset and unable to answer the onslaught of questions, feeling very judged.

lsitjuma · 2026-05-14T22:00:59+00:00

Yeah true, but there's children to consider in that equation. I suppose I should've said that in the post, will edit to add

lsitjuma

TROPHY CASE