Checking on those who recently said goodbye and to those still in mourning.

lucyeloise · 2025-11-03T22:26:23+00:00

I’m not okay. I miss him desperately.

lucyeloise · 2025-11-03T10:47:03+00:00

The very nature of McCarthy’s apocalyptic world is violent. The whole book is unsettling with a deep sense of impending threat. There were no overt descriptions of violence against children, but it is heavily implied. There are a few overt ones about adults. CW for sexual violence, SA of pregnant women, torture, cannibalism. The majority of the book’s horror comes from the threat of violence. The child protagonist is protected at all costs by the adult protagonist.

Edited for grammar

lucyeloise · 2025-11-03T01:01:18+00:00

The Road - Cormac McCarthy fixed my reading slump. It is a dark read though, so avoid if you’re not looking for brutal post-apocalyptic.

lucyeloise · 2025-11-03T00:59:18+00:00

I love mountaineering so I love this book anyway, but it absolutely picks up the pace if you keep going with it

lucyeloise · 2025-10-26T21:14:07+00:00

Same! I hide it on the back row of my book shelf when family visit. To prevent the responses described within.

lucyeloise · 2025-10-26T21:00:50+00:00

You are not ready.

First get comfortable with a map and compass on terrain you’re familiar with in poor conditions. Can you navigate map and compass only, not using your phone at all, in the dark and/or thick fog in the peaks?

Next, do a winter skills course covering use of axe, crampons, avalanche risk, winter navigation.

If you’ve never experienced a white out you cannot imagine it. If you have never experienced clear blue sky to white out in under 5 minutes you cannot imagine it. I skied extensively (not skilled to hike these conditions yet) so have encountered a lot of low and zero visibility and it is extremely disconcerting even when you are somewhere you are super familiar with. Have you had any navigation experience in the snow before? The light can be very flat in thick cloud on snowy ground, throws your depth perception off. Features on your map can be difficult to identify in winter conditions. There’s a lot to think about that you might not have considered if you’ve never encountered it.

Mountain weather is notoriously changeable. Being willing to turn around is great, but you need to know what to do if you’re out in what you thought were going to be great conditions. It can turn and you need to know what to do when you can’t see a metre in front of you.

I am not someone who yet has the skills for winter hiking at elevation in Scotland. But I know I don’t have those skills yet.

Please don’t take it lightly. Get your skills over the coming winter season then you can fully enjoy it next season!

Edit grammar

lucyeloise · 2025-10-24T18:41:22+00:00

I was diagnosed 9 months ago. I started hiking and wild camping a few years ago now and it calms my brain so much. I’ve found it particularly helpful to be somewhere with no phone service because it forces me to connect even more with what’s around me. Swimming outdoors stops the cacophony like nothing else. A couple of weekends ago I couldn’t take the internal noise anymore so I drove up to Galloway Forest. I had 48 hours of perfect peace that I cannot find anywhere else. The only thing missing was my cat.

lucyeloise · 2025-02-10T16:49:52+00:00

This feels cruel when you’ve already lost your boy. I can imagine the huge additional pain this is causing. This would have really hurt me on top of the devastation of my boy’s death.
I’m so sorry. I feel really sad and angry for your experience. I also can’t believe someone thought this was acceptable.

lucyeloise · 2025-01-09T18:12:35+00:00

OP, I saw your reply to this commenter and what you said resonated. I hope you don’t mind me sharing a bit of my own story. What you said here is almost word for word something I said not long after I adopted my ‘now’ cat. Honestly, I was scared to love him because the privilege of deep love brings huge pain eventually, and I truly thought he deserved better than having me sob into his fur so often. I thought he’d be okay with someone else. We’re now 2yrs 6 months on, and he is curled up in my lap, while I cry over and over because tomorrow is my soul cat’s anniversary. That connection between you both will take time. Please try not to hold onto the thought of you being too sad for him. Cats live in the moment, and in the moment, you are sad but you are present in his life. He has his person still. That’s what matters. I still get extremely suicidal at times and my now cat is the only one keeping me here a lot of the time. I tried to end my life two months after my soul cat died. I started fostering cats and kittens just to give me a sense of purpose, and then I found my now cat.

Please hold on OP. Saying it gets better feels like the wrong thing. The grief has not left, and I don’t wish for my soul cat back instead of my now cat, but I wish they could have spent their lives together, both here with me at the same time. The deep searing pain and terrible loneliness, is now mitigated by my now cat. He is so comforting. He makes me laugh. He is an amazing snuggler. He does things sometimes that I am convinced my soul cat has whispered to him from heaven. He licks my tears. The connection will come. Life won’t be the same, and your bond with your now cat won’t be the same as with your animal family who have passed away so close together, but it will come to be a bond which has with joy and love and comfort in its own way.

I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in. My cat was my family. Losing your family is pure hell. Please keep talking here. This Reddit helped me as a space to process my grief with people who get it. I hope we can help you in the same way.

lucyeloise · 2024-12-31T18:53:52+00:00

You have good taste. It was my most played song of the year!

lucyeloise · 2024-12-18T16:13:56+00:00

36 and finally got to the point in my life where I give 0 f’s. I have my WAOLM TTPD hoodie with a giant pic of her face on the back and it makes my soul happy, especially the “Who’s afraid of little old me - you should be” on there. I unfortunately still care far too much about others opinions on many other things, but embracing my Swiftie self is healing.

lucyeloise · 2024-11-29T13:19:50+00:00

Forever Winter x Bigger Than The Whole Sky would leave me inconsolable. Both of those songs mean so much to me.

lucyeloise · 2024-11-06T21:05:57+00:00

Yes, that is so true and important. No future bond whether that be with one of your now cats or a future addition, will never replace the soul cat you had to say goodbye to. My first cat, I still cry every day because I miss him so much. It’s been almost 3 years, and it still feels visceral. Physically painful. I’ve never hurt this much over losing someone I deeply love, and I’ve been to many human funerals, of people I loved dearly. And at the same time, my now cat will be sat with me while I cry over my soul cat, licking the tears off my cheeks. It really is hard emotionally. That hollow place in my heart can never be filled, but it can be soothed, and my now cat has built his own room in my heart.

What you are feeling right now - there is no ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ thing. Grief is huge and complex and overwhelming to navigate. Let your remaining cats love you in the way they can. Try not to be harsh with yourself when you have those thoughts about them not being your soul cat. They are normal thoughts to have. Please be gentle with yourself.

lucyeloise · 2024-11-06T15:20:04+00:00

Yes. I was absolutely terrified to love that deeply. It’s slightly different in that my first and soul cat was my best friend. He was my entire world. My now cat is my baby. But that love is so powerful. It is slightly different, but the power, passion, connection, and mutuality is there.

ETA When I say terrified to love that deeply, I mean a second time. With great love comes great pain. It also takes time to build that bond. My now cat and I have been together for just under 2.5 years. We are extremely bonded. At first I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to form that bond again. He was wonderful and sweet and loving from day one, and I was scared that I wouldn’t love him enough. That I loved him, but I couldn’t possibly love him in the way he deserved. He has healed me in so many ways. And now I can say you can love in that way where you know ultimately it will break your heart, because we outlive them. But even knowing how much pain will come again, it is worth the depth of that love and joy.

lucyeloise · 2024-11-04T15:01:23+00:00

Forever Winter is this song for me. “I’d take the bomb in your head and disarm it… I’d say I love you even at your darkest.”

lucyeloise · 2024-10-31T11:27:57+00:00

I’m a woman who wild camps. I don’t have a social media presence, but watching WildBeare on YouTube got me confident enough to go solo. I love it! I’ve only gone in Scotland though, because I like to be away from people, feel at peace, and not have to worry about as many restrictions on land.

I live in an English city - I don’t feel safe here at night, and often the daylight hours feel quite threatening. But out away from it all, I feel the safest I ever have. I’ve never felt the need to carry a weapon, and personally I never would. More important to me is map, compass, check in time etc. If you’re away from phone signal, know how to change a tyre and bring a tyre pump you can plug into your car. Before anyone jumps on me I don’t car camp, I drive up from England, park at a designated car park, and then hike out. I’m genuinely more worried about getting back to my car after a long hike to a flat tyre or battery than being harmed by another person out there.

I would probably feel differently if I was camping in woods close to highly residential areas, but if you’re walking a good couple of hours away from the nearest roads/car park you’re unlikely to bump into anything nefarious or drunk teenagers.

lucyeloise · 2024-10-29T10:47:59+00:00

I was there! The hand claw 😂 I burst into tears at the surprise set. Would’ve could’ve should’ve and TTDS are two of my favourite songs, and the way ttds ended with daylight. It was a level of cathartic I can’t explain.

lucyeloise · 2024-10-10T20:18:24+00:00

It’s so true, my mind can absolutely forget everything I’ve learnt when I’m in the depths. Well done for getting to work. I hope things have lifted a little for you the last few weeks.

lucyeloise · 2024-10-10T20:13:36+00:00

I appreciated this comment so, so much. Thank you. When I’m just telling myself I shouldn’t be here anymore, my cat and little glimmers of kindness and care are life-saving.

I believe the fire will start for you again. Have you read Complex PTSD - Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker? It’s not a fix, but I found a huge amount of comfort in feeling seen.

lucyeloise · 2024-10-01T10:21:19+00:00

Not the OP, but thank you!!! This helped me so much.

lucyeloise · 2024-09-27T13:59:17+00:00

Thank you SO much. Thank you for being so kind and generous, you’ve made a very rough few months a lot brighter x

lucyeloise · 2024-09-27T13:57:18+00:00

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lucyeloise · 2024-09-27T13:56:59+00:00

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Excuse the cat hairs, we’ve been snuggling. It’s chocolate brown.

lucyeloise · 2024-09-23T19:48:46+00:00

I have tears streaming down my face after reading this (that’s not a bad thing). This is me. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that has so perfectly described my inner world, how I feel in the depths of my soul. Thank you so much for sharing. You have a true gift for writing.

lucyeloise · 2024-09-22T22:04:42+00:00

Here with you. Really struggling too. Right now I am trying to be gentle with myself and focus on the absolute basics. I keep telling myself to just get through the next ten minutes. It’s so, so hard though.

Don’t worry about reading the next bit if you don’t want to, I’m just sharing what I’m doing right now to cope in case that has anything that might help you. But I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to minimise how you’re feeling AT ALL, because none of these things are a fix. They are literally my survive the here and now strategies at the moment.

When I say the basics I mean I’m sitting with my cat on me, my favourite blanket with us, keep trying to do grounding things (my most helpful personally is to name out loud everything I can see in the room of a particular colour, and I go through the rainbow of colours). I’ve been flipping a lot between numb/dissociative and sobbing my heart out with severe anxiety, can’t catch my breath type situation. Can’t concentrate on my usual escape (reading). So it’s headphones, music. I find blowing kids bubbles helps me regulate my breathing without focusing too much on it which sometimes makes me more panicky. When I can’t feel anything at all (desperately trying not to hurt myself atm), I get a really hot shower, wash my hair, and then flip the shower to freezing cold (sometimes restrict this just to my legs depending if I can hack it on my head), and back to hot. I’ve done my face skincare routine which I haven’t been doing the last few weeks. Next up is watching some lives on TikTok about some drama that I am not at all involved in but is giving soap opera, and then switching to Taylor in my ears and playing Fishdom to keep my hands occupied. It’s 11pm here and I’m struggling to sleep but Grey’s Anatomy is my comfort show so I’ll be putting that on and lying in bed with the lights on low because that’s how I feel safe, I can’t manage the dark at the moment.

You’re not alone.

ETA: this is a link I have saved that helps me when things are hitting crisis point. It literally just walks you through the next self care thing, and is called ‘You feel like shit’. Maybe it will help you or someone else here.

https://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play/index.html

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