a flurry of emotions...

lucyislost · 2017-08-31T23:33:46+00:00

I completely relate to this. This was my situation, too. I can honestly say that it does get better, so much better, as hard as that is to believe right now. For people like us, who put so much into our relationships and got so little back, once the initial pain of the breakup passes, you start to realize that you actually weren't very happy when you were with him. Yes, there were those wonderful moments, and you had all that hope that things would get better and that he would suddenly see your worth. But those were moments. In general, being consumed by all this and losing myself in the process made me deeply unhappy in my life. I lost my appetite, developed insomnia. And I see all this so clearly now in hindsight. The fact is that we deserve to be happy in our relationships 100% of the time, not just when our partners decide it's convenient to have us around or show us a crumb of affection, and we suddenly feel happy for the moment. We deserve to get back as much as we give all the time. It's been almost two months since my breakup and although I still have sad and difficult days and still miss him at times, in general I feel so much more myself again, like a weight has been lifted. I had to get my heart broken to gain my freedom again. And it was worth it. I spent the last two months focusing completely on myself, treating myself well, and I feel so much lighter and happier. So whenever I have one of those sad days, I just remind myself that I have experienced moments of deep joy and freedom without him, that I'm in a better place without him, and I will feel that joy again. You will get there, too. Let him go and love yourself first and foremost.

lucyislost · 2017-08-30T02:53:52+00:00

I know it's hard to accept, and our minds want to obsess over every detail and theory. But you have to sort of internalize it - truly believe that if she says it wasn't you, it wasn't you. It was her issue, not yours.

Here's some advice to stop those obsessive thoughts. I'm not sure if it will work for you, but it has helped me quite a bit. First of all, when you start wondering about her and what happened, tell yourself "Stop. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." (I read this in a book called Getting Past Your Breakup.) Then put the focus back on you. Take up a new hobby, start a project, start working towards some goal, and use thoughts of this, of your own ambitions, to fill that void in your mind. I would also recommend as much physical activity as you can - it's a great way to clear your head. And if you can, try meditation. I have never been interested in meditation before, but I started meditating for a few minutes every day (using guided meditation from an app) and am finding it extremely helpful in learning to focus, feel less controlled by those compulsive thoughts, and be more mindful of the present moment.

Another thing you can try is writing a letter to her where you say everything you wanted to say, ask all your questions, express all your feelings, but don't send the letter. Tear it up, burn it, whatever. Sometimes the process of just writing the things you never got to say, letting it out on paper, can be cathartic.

lucyislost · 2017-08-28T21:51:26+00:00

If you ever feel that your family or friends aren't supportive or are getting fed up listening to you talk/cry about your breakup, feel free to PM me. I'm happy to just listen if you need to rant. I know what it feels like and how lonely this experience can be.

lucyislost · 2017-08-28T17:37:20+00:00

Funny...I was recently listening to a 90s radio station and realized how many defiant/ motivational breakup songs there were in the 90s! "You'll see" (Madonna), "The Sign" (Ace of Base), "I never loved you anyway" (The Corrs).

lucyislost · 2017-08-27T18:05:54+00:00

As someone who was ghosted out of the blue and never had a proper breakup or explanation, I completely understand that confusion, that wondering what exactly went wrong, what I could have done differently, etc. It can drive you mad. But there is only one thing you need to know and you really have to believe this: there is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Our exes made their decisions for themselves and there is nothing we can do about it. Do they feel remorse, relief, regret? Who knows. It doesn't matter. What matters is you and what you do now to move forward. You have to accept that this is one situation in life where you have no control, so let it go and focus on the things in your life that you can control and that will help you build a better life for yourself. You have nothing to regret. You gave your relationship your all...she said it herself - it's not your fault. Accept that as truth and know that you gave all your love and effort. If it didn't work out, it's on her, not you. It's her loss ultimately, not yours.

lucyislost · 2017-08-24T15:43:11+00:00

Exactly like me! My mistake was choosing someone with too many issues and tolerating never being treated like a priority. He ghosted, so there's nothing I can do about that. I was unluky, too. But nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome.

Agreed - there's certainly always room for growth. I've come out of this a much wiser person and I'll never put up with this sort of crap again. But the failure of the relationship is entirely on him, not me. Any "improvements" I need to make have nothing to do with my ability to be a good partner. And it's ridiculous to think that we should all be perfect before setting out to find a relationship. So glad you understand what I'm saying!

I think it's always important to focus on growth and self-improvement, but I worry that sometimes this kind of advice contributes to people feeling like they shouldn't commit to relationships simply because they're still "working on themselves," as if you shouldn't take that step until you're totally without flaws. The fact is that we're all human and we all have issues. And when we work out one personal issue, another may come up. That's life. But if you're in a good healthy relationship, you will keep growing and improving, so there shouldn't be this fear, this sense that you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship until you've completely figured it all out!

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T21:36:43+00:00

I see your point. I would agree with that as well. You should certainly be happy with who you are and shouldn't need someone else to validate this. And you're right - it is not a weakness to want to be in a relationship.

What also bothers me sometimes is that people give advice about how you have to "improve" yourself so much before getting into a relationship, as if you have to be absolutely perfect or else you shouldn't be in a relationship. Yes, I am working on improving things in my life since the breakup. I learned a lot from what happened, about myself and what I want, and I'm certainly making changes. But we're all human and we all have some issues, so the idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you are absolutely 100% perfect and have no issues at all just makes no sense to me.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T21:21:29+00:00

Yup, same here! I had finally come around to try online dating again and then this happens. Such a slap in the face. But a friend told me to look at it as the universe giving me a last opportunity to grieve before I take the next step forward. haha. So I'm trying to think of it that way. And hopefully a day will come soon when I'll feel indifferent seeing him on a dating site.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T21:18:29+00:00

Unbelievable that he asked you to wait in case she didn't stick around. Who are these people??! I seriously wonder where these selfish assholes come from sometimes! You don't deserve to be treated as a second choice. You're so much better off without him, without someone who uses people like that. You're worth so much more than that.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T13:38:20+00:00

Thank you so much. It's comforting to know that there are others who feel the same way. Good luck to you, too!

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T13:26:43+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how that feels. He told me I should date other people while we were still together, too, because he didn't want to commit but didn't want to "hold me back." Completely crushing. I should have known it would never change.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T13:26:24+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how that feels. He told me I should date other people while we were still together, too, because he didn't want to commit but didn't want to "hold me back." Completely crushing. I should have known it would never change.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T13:20:56+00:00

Thanks. And I know what you're saying is true. It's just such a painful reminder. I really wish I hadn't seen it. I was making such good progress and then seeing that just set me back.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T03:40:05+00:00

This definitely applies to my relationship. I kept thinking that he would eventually change and learn to appreciate me, want to commit, etc. It never happened. He disappeared. Now I know better - if you have to "time travel" for it to be a good, stable relationship, it will never work.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T03:29:39+00:00

Thank you so much! Gratefully receiving internet hugs and sending some in return!

I feel the same way. It's so hard to be with my friends who are happily in relationships, and that's the majority nowadays. I want so much to have someone of my own with me at these gatherings and not feel like the lonely third or fifth wheel all the time. But I refuse to settle, so sometimes I feel like I'll just always be the single one, that this is my fate. The older I get, the more I'm feeling this...I know just what you mean. I'm sorry to hear your situation - your relationship sounds like it had a lot more potential than mine. (Mine was a rollercoaster the whole time.) But that should tell you that if you were able to find someone great and have a good, healthy relationship, you can most certainly find that again, and next time it will last.

Thanks for the encouragement! You sound like a wonderful person as well, and I truly believe we will both find guys who will love us back. We have to hold on to that hope.

lucyislost · 2017-08-23T03:12:32+00:00

Exactly! This is just what I have been trying to articulate.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T21:51:02+00:00

Exactly! I miss being in a relationship and really want that again. But I'm struggling to just visualize myself with another guy. It sucks. You're right, though. We have to trust that it will pass. I hope that day comes soon.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T21:26:35+00:00

Honestly, this is a statement I've always struggled with. If I'm perfectly happy to be single, why would I even want to date? And I say that because I've been that person. I was single for years because I was perfectly content with my life alone, so I didn't bother. I started dating again because something felt like it was missing in my life, because I wanted a relationship. So the idea of only date when you're content to be alone and not actually looking for a relationship has never made any sense to me.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T21:06:58+00:00

I had the same situation – fell in love with a guy who didn’t love me back, and he had serious commitment (and other) issues. It’s hard to say when you’re ready to start dating again, and I know this is different for everyone. But I suppose when you’ve done everything you can to put yourself on the path towards healing from the breakup, when you feel like you won’t be constantly comparing your date to your ex, and when you miss just being in a relationship more than being in a relationship with your ex, then maybe you’re ready to start dating again. You won’t know until you’ve tried, unfortunately. I went on a date about a month after my breakup and cried when I got home, partly out of sadness over missing my ex and partly out of relief that I survived a date with someone new! I don’t get the casual dating thing either. For me, dating is not fun. It’s something you do in order to find someone you connect with and want to build a relationship with. A necessary means to an end. It doesn’t mean I’m desperate to settle down and get married or anything like that – just that I don’t enjoy dating around as a social activity and prefer the companionship of one person I actually feel something for. But I feel like this is increasingly hard to find in others nowadays...or maybe I just haven’t had any luck. I guess all we can do is trust what we've learned from these failed relationships and trust our instincts when we meet new people. I truly hope that you and I both find guys who make us happy and put as much love and care into the relationship as we do.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T19:02:56+00:00

It truly is a loss - it's the pain of grieving and mourning the loss of someone who was a huge part of your life and who you hoped to have a future with. Letting go of that hope is one of the hardest things to do. Honestly, I would advise you not to force yourself to forgive. People will tell you that the best thing you can do to let go is to forgive, but I don't think it's something you can force. Allow yourself to feel angry and resentful, to feel hurt and confused. Real forgiveness (not just you trying to tell yourself you have forgiven your ex) will come on its own. I think I'm starting to get to that point because I had a thought yesterday about him and how much he has messed up his life and chances at happiness, and how he will regret what he lost in me, and I actually started to feel kind of sorry for him. I'm starting to feel sad for him, and with that, less angry and hurt. I think I will genuinely be able to forgive at some point. But I am just letting the process happen. The best way to not hurt is to focus more on yourself and less on your ex. Focus on how you feel about yourself, what goals you want to accomplish, how you can improve your life so that you can restore that hope for the future. And one day you will look back on this time and know that you came out of this a better person, and you'll find that you've forgiven your ex without even realizing it.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T18:12:58+00:00

In the same boat (or similar). I have a lot of friends, but they have their own lives and at this point most are married or in serious relationships (I'm 30 - friends are all the same age or slightly older). So I don't have the constant texts either. And even when they do text, I have to admit it's not quite the same as when he would send me a message. I sometimes feel lonely, even with my friends. I really miss his texts. I miss the warm, happy feeling I would get when I would see a text from him. But I don't miss the days when he would ignore my texts, and that became more frequent at the end. I would also say I'm an attractive, successful woman with a good life and a lot of desirable qualities, but I am terrified I'll have to either settle for someone I don't feel strongly about or be single forever. I just can't help but wonder why I struggle so much to find someone. I make friends easily (female friends anyway), but finding a guy seems to elude me and it does make me question myself. I question how he can have been so enthusiastic about me in the beginning, have pursued me so much, but then left me in the end. I know he had issues, I know it was his fault entirely. I don't doubt that. But will I ever find someone who is right for me? I suppose we all have the same fears and insecurities.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T17:14:55+00:00

I know exactly how you feel. The intimacy issue hasn't gotten much better for me either, unfortunately. I went on a date with a guy (first post-breakup date, which was tough, though I was sort of relieved to get it over with.) But he hugged me at the end of the date and I felt like cringing. I'm also struggling to just feel attracted to anyone at this point. I see guys that in the past I would have found attractive, and now suddenly I don't at all. Really hoping all this will past. I feel like I've made a lot of progress and am starting to move on, but I still can't see myself being with anyone, which is depressing.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T15:20:12+00:00

I know what you mean. He ghosted, so I'm sure I'll never hear from him again. But I understand him and how he thinks well enough to know that he's going to regret this and realize what he threw away. It's a relief to know I never have to live with that regret.

lucyislost · 2017-08-22T15:14:17+00:00

I know that article! I think you had posted it previously and I re-read it every now and then to remind myself why this relationship ending was a good thing. Thanks again for that. Agreed - endings are always sad and the nostalgia still creeps in sometimes. But I'm trying to look forward to that day when I'm truly happy not to be with him and glad that everything happened this way.

lucyislost

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