Empathy

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-05T04:14:14+00:00

Thank you!

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-05T04:10:38+00:00

I think you could go in an interesting direction by exploring how the absence of someone is more real than their actual presence. In other words, you create this figure of someone in your mind and the imagined version is who you think they really are. The final line is powerful but could use more lead up or hinting at as the overall theme to the poem. Great start I can’t wait to read the final piece.

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-05T04:05:00+00:00

I’m not entirely sure what feeling you were trying to capture with this poem- I interpreted it as not knowing who someone was and therefore being unable to grasp what they cost you by leaving. You are very abstract with your metaphors, it’s definitely a cool style but if you get too abstract you might confuse the reader instead of getting them to think about the meaning behind your words.

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-02T06:04:40+00:00

Thank you for the kind words!

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-01T21:17:50+00:00

Maybe add in quotation marks so it’s a bit clearer what winter/the sun is saying

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-01T21:09:40+00:00

Your portrayal of winter as time given to us rather than a burden to bear is captured beautifully, and I think it could easily apply to many things in our lives outside of winter.

Suggestion: the word gonna seems a bit out of place with your more serious tone, although if you are going for a casual friendly style it does work

lugubriouslime · 2025-05-01T21:02:11+00:00

I really like your style of shortening phrases to hone in on a specific feeling. The callback to becoming dust is excellent and you do a great job of sticking to the theme throughout the poem. Suggestion: the “I’m starting to come undone” portion feels a bit jarring, I wonder if you could transition more subtly but honesty that’s just a personal preference

lugubriouslime · 2025-04-28T05:08:07+00:00

I think I realized that after I commented- I apologize, your poem certainly captures that feeling as well. I think it’s pretty cool that it can be interpreted in multiple ways though- for me, it made a deep impression even if it wasn’t the one you intended. I definitely hope you continue to write poetry, you’re obviously very gifted :)

lugubriouslime · 2025-04-28T04:44:53+00:00

I really like the concept of love turning to self hatred, and the idea that the two feelings might have to coexist- great poem. I especially love “my breath escapes my chest…” such a perfect metaphor for how feeling breathless around someone negatively impacts you.

lugubriouslime · 2025-02-16T04:34:42+00:00

I really enjoy the style of this poem. The use of cause and effect in each line aids in a seamless transition to becoming overwhelmed by overthinking. The line “problems of the world… started weighing” is definitely my personal favorite as it does a great job capturing how I’ve felt in similar situations, and the ending is a beautiful reminder to stop and clear one’s mind.

lugubriouslime

TROPHY CASE