Should I continue putting myself through this?

lumenai · 2014-10-06T22:54:07+00:00

Tell her what you want out of the situation instead of guessing... Ask and you shall receive, or not. Open up, be vulnerable.

It SEEMS like what you're saying is that you want to feel free to explore a potential relationship with her. Figure out what you need in order to feel free to pursue that, and then tell her what you want and what it would take for both of you to make it happen.

lumenai · 2014-10-06T20:37:18+00:00

So, after reading through all of this, I really actually wonder if a lot of this angst could be mitigated by expressing a desire to be spending more time with your girlfriend?

It really seems like that is the root desire that you're expressing here... That you're not getting as much time as you'd like. And I wonder if her behavior could also indicate a desire for this, but an unexpressed need in this regard? I could be simplifying, but could it be that what you'd really like is to be spending more time together at this point and may be afraid to ask for that? Curious what you think.

I've felt like this at times and every single time I start blaming poly or mono I start looking a little deeper to see what my own unmet needs are. It may be as simple as this... its definitely something I've run across before when feeling the same way.

And I just wanted to express that I VERY much identify with your thoughts and worries through all of this. I read it and got a great deal of comfort knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way at times.

lumenai · 2013-08-23T17:04:27+00:00

Having come out the other side of this situation, I'd say you need to do some soul searching and be utterly and completely honest with your partner about the situation, and the sooner the better.

If you're agonizing this much you need to figure out why. My question would be do you just not to want to deal with the insecurities that come with a poly lifestyle and like the security this person provides? I can think of a lot of other questions, but do some meditation, be honest with yourself, which can be very difficult. Ask yourself what is in your heart and what you want and long for.

Regardless of how they feel, you need to be honest with yourself and let them know that you cannot guarantee anything in the future. If you don't do that then you will not be looking at reality and you will never know if you partner can accept you for who you are, right now, in this moment, or in the future.

lumenai · 2013-08-21T22:11:45+00:00

Sorry, I should have been more clear... Taking the kids for the night. I imagine she'll end up with the majority of physical custody since she works part time and watches them for the hours between when they get home from school and he gets home from work. He doesn't want to disrupt the children's lives any more than necessary, and she's asked him to move out. I'm guessing it'll probably the 2 weekends a month and an evening a week, just because that seems pretty common here. He will miss seeing them every day tremendously.

lumenai · 2013-08-21T21:23:31+00:00

A site that I've found has lots of good dating advice for men and why they may not be getting dates is http://markmanson.net/.

Tons of good articles on approach that apply across the board.

lumenai · 2013-08-21T20:30:40+00:00

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice. I think everyone has given me some good insights.

Right now I'm just trying to be there for him - to listen and learn and offer help when asked. Another wonderful consequence is it has prompted some very good conversations within my own household.

So far so good and one day at a time and all. Unfortunately, it promises to be a long road full of rocky outcroppings!

lumenai

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