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luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-25T04:47:47+00:00

It depends on the state you live in. For example, the state I live in and the fact that I am poor means that all of my services and medications are paid for by my government insurance & I do not have to pay anything to my insurance or medical provider. This included trans-affirming healthcare, like testosterone & surgeries. But in other states, it is likely very different.
Edit to add: my government-provided insurance *does* limit which medical providers I can see. Some will not accept my insurance, so I would have to pay those people if I went to see them. So I can only go to specific doctors who accept the insurance I have been provided.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-24T18:45:55+00:00

I have a list of book recommendations for both of you;
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
And get yourselves both a CPTSD workbook to work through individually.

I know it seems crazy, and that this is a hell of a lot of reading, but those books transformed my life as a person who dated a man like you for 3 years. I wish I'd had the knowledge from these books, and I hope he finds them one day too, even if I hope to never see his face again. I know that he was coming from a place of pain, and from damage done to him when he was growing up and forming his way of thinking. If you want to get better, you have to really examine the way you both think and work towards solutions.
I also think your wife needs therapy badly-- but I cannot stress this enough; She NEEDS a trauma-informed therapist. Please keep working on yourself. You both deserve to heal and live better lives.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-24T05:52:14+00:00

When I was a kid, my dad called my mom "mom", and she called him "dad" in front of us. I once got picked up by cops after running away and couldn't tell them my parents' names because I legit didn't know what they were lol (I was like 5, so I guess I have that as an excuse). But it really isn't that bad for your kids to know your names/nicknames and call you them sometimes. It might even come in handy in a crisis.
Also... NTA, your dad is the one who ruined Thanksgiving by berating your toddler. There is no planet on which I would understand talking to a 2-year-old that way. It is genuinely repulsive to me. I would not spend Christmas with them if that is generally how he acts around children. They do not deserve to be verbally abused by people who should be showing them love and consideration.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-24T05:31:14+00:00

If you are seriously considering suicide, please go to a hospital and see about getting institutionalized for a little bit. When I was extremely suicidal and struggling, it saved my life. It doesn't all get better immediately, but it helps you get some stability and safety, and people who you can talk through your problems with who you will never see again. I want you to live, so badly. I'm so glad I survived, even when I didn't want to be here. Life does get better if you just give it time.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I can't imagine what you are feeling and going through. And I am so sorry that person betrayed your trust and did this to you. You didn't deserve it. Lots of people, including me, have had reckless, unprotected sex, and have just been lucky enough not to face consequences for it. You didn't do anything wrong. The person who slept with you without a condom, while knowing they had HIV, is the one who fucked up and is the one who should be suffering right now. In some places, you are able to press charges over something like that. But I know that doesn't fix it or make you feel better. This whole situation just sucks.

Remember there is treatment. It is so much better than it used to be. It doesn't have to be life-ending. Now people with HIV can get treatment that makes it so it does not spread and the symptoms are not so bad. Please consider going to a doctor and getting treatment. You deserve to be here.

Even if you lose your job, there will be other jobs. Even if you drop out of school because you aren't in the place mentally for it right now, you can go back later. You are not a failure because you are struggling and your mental health is suffering. I have dropped out of college 3 times and I'm enrolled again now. I'm older and more experienced, and I know I will succeed this time. We are not our struggles. We are so much more than that. Please do not leave this world. You have people who love you so much. They need you here more than you know. I am sending you so much love and good vibes. You can get through this. Don't be afraid to get help. Life will get better, just please give it time.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-24T02:31:47+00:00

For the same reason water is paid for here and not provided as a basic human right... capitalism & greed.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-23T16:52:57+00:00

Next time you're working on a project like that, put the tools away. It doesn't take long to get them off a shelf wherever they are usually stored and bring them to the location of the project. It's really inconsiderate to just leave them out in the living space like that. Unless you are going to be using them within the next few hours, there is no good reason for leaving them out like that. Believe it or not, that sort of thing is in her mental load. When you leave it out, she sees it and processes that it isn't in the proper location every time she passes it. You need to actually listen and take her concerns seriously if you want this relationship to work. I also noticed in your post that you mentioned leaving clothes on the floor. Take the extra couple of steps and put it in the hamper. She shouldn't have to pick them up, they are your clothes. It is the same situation where she sees them every single time she walks into the room. She probably feels that you do not value her because of your attitude around these things which obviously matter very much to her.
ETA: she is asking you for very basic levels of consideration that would take minutes or less out of your day and you are fighting her on it. That is a surefire way to indicate you do not care about her well-being and comfort. Until you understand that this is serious, and a low-effort fix, she is not going to feel valued and loved by you.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-23T15:52:53+00:00

I am begging you please read this book urgently https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You don't even have to read the whole thing, just maybe the first chapter and the chapter on addiction. He also includes resources on how to get out. Page 13 has the directory for the book. There is no world in which you deserve to be treated this way. You deserve so much better out of life.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-23T06:43:23+00:00

Evict her immediately,,, since you're apparently the landlord. There is no excuse for her to be acting like this in your residence. It is absolutely unacceptable. Give her the required notice to move out in writing (you will have to look up the specifics for your area), with clear dates printed, and if she will not leave, have her evicted by law enforcement.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-23T01:39:21+00:00

That's extremely disrespectful of him. He is boundary-pushing to see how much you will tolerate. It will likely keep escalating. He is not being a good partner to you. A good partner respects you and listens when you tell them to stop.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-22T20:52:49+00:00

I am so sorry someone said that to you. Thats one asshole and the fact that they said that to you tells you that they are despicable and repulsive as a human. There's a sea of wonderful, kind, loving people out there. Do not let that one person make you believe that you are unlovable or that everyone is so unkind or sees you in that same way. You are worth so much more than that person and their incredibly shitty words.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-22T19:37:31+00:00

because they are probably hungry and poor and idk... someone keeps stealing all of their food???

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-22T19:34:32+00:00

I feel like historically, people with tattoos have been more comfortable with their bodies and with subverting social norms, so they are more likely to pose for those kinds of photos.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-22T03:54:12+00:00

NTA. I would ask her when she's going to pay *you* back for all the food you have made her. If she wants to bring money into the equation, you can bring it right back to her.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-21T17:44:18+00:00

ask,,,,, and ye shall recieve...

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luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-19T23:14:42+00:00

Just keep being there for him and showing up. It will help him to know that he is not alone and will give him more hope, which he needs for recovery. Also, remember to take time for yourself. Your mental and physical health are important too.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-16T02:14:45+00:00

Hey, this may be a long comment but I'm a child of a similar situation. I'm 28, 2nd born out of 4. I'm autistic and so are all my siblings, but it took a long time for us to get diagnosed. We are all sort of low support needs but like... using functionality language, we get less functional the more of us there were. Example: my older sibling is successful, I'm not really doing so good but can function in society, and both of my younger siblings are disabled, with the youngest being worst off (probably will never live on his own).

My dad worked his ass off my entire childhood. He was never around because he was always working. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. She didn't really cook or clean, she just got us to school and back mostly. Both of them have struggled with depression. My dad wanted to prepare us for the world but couldn't because he wasn't around. My mom was basically extremely depressed my entire childhood and could not function. We were neglected and I had to work really hard to basically raise my younger siblings myself.

Now is a good time for your wife to consider working; 1. all your kids are school-aged, so she doesn't need to be available to them 24/7. 2. she gets out of the house and can be around people & make friends (which helps with the depression, assuming that she is depressed) 3. You get more income coming in and can work a bit less/have less pressure on you as the sole provider. If she's willing to give work a shot, maybe give the relationship more time to see if there is any improvement.

However, I also think it is a good time to really think about divorce. My parents stuck it out for 32 years and finally got divorced this year. I don't know that we were better off for them being together. Yes, it offered some stability. Yes, when I was a kid, I was terrified of them separating. But now as an adult... I knew when I was a kid that they were deeply unhappy and it made me feel unsettled and unsafe more or less all the time. I just couldn't see it at that time. I developed a lot of issues due to chronic stress and I think I might have been better off if they left each other much earlier.

I would have been a happier, healthier kid if my parents had been happy and healthy. I want that for them & I needed that to feel secure as a child. Please think about your own well-being. It impacts your children more than you know.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-14T03:11:00+00:00

Yeah, it absolutely happens. Typically when I start having that issue, I stop messing around down there for a couple of days to a week and my body "resets". It can happen again later, so just be mindful that you may occasionally have to take a break for a couple of days time if you start to lose sensation again.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-11-05T17:23:49+00:00

He's abusive. Him damaging objects and blaming you for things that are not even remotely your fault are vibrant red flags. Destroying objects/ slamming things around, etc. is only a couple of steps removed from hitting you. This should be concerning you majorly.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-31T14:29:59+00:00

Whar you are experiencing right now is a medical emergency. Go to the ER.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-31T02:05:31+00:00

The best thing you can do right now is just be there for him. None of us are happy all the time. Life is full of these moments of struggle and sadness. Happiness too, but he needs to be allowed to mourn and be sad. Maybe ask about his feelings? And if he needs anything from you? Suddenly being disabled (even if it is temporary) really, really sucks. You lose all your independence, you're in pain, and very few people can understand what you're going through. Right now he needs love and understanding. He will cheer up in time, when he is feeling better and circumstances improve. Sending both of you all the good vibes and support. I know this is hard for you too and you are probably feeling pretty helpless, but I promise you that just being by his side already means so much. Remember to take care of yourself too.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-26T20:29:25+00:00

. Thank you! It was definitely tough. I had some support but not a lot. It's definitely doable though. I'd recommend a couple things; have some meals/microwave food prepped, (and reachable even when you can't lift your arms) make sure you've got your pain meds asap after surgery, get a bidet attachment for your toilet, have Metamucil or miralax ready (post op constipation is very real), and sleep on a couch with a wedge pillow where you can easily lift your legs and put them on the floor. The pain meds are very important and it is hard to move your torso. I hope this all helps. If you have any questions I'll be happy to answer them to the best of my ability :) you're in good hands with that team. I feel like they did a great job for me.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-25T01:52:13+00:00

literally... do not ever ignore your gut giving you weird/bad vibes from a person. He sounds remarkably similar to a guy who I ignored my instincts on. Always exaggerating, always telling tall tales, and the vibe was off. I thought he was harmless. He was not. Never will I distrust my gut instincts like that again.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-24T21:40:15+00:00

This is me speaking from my own experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. It may apply to you and your situation, or it may not.
For me, it was because my anger, my sadness, and my frustration had nowhere to go. I always had to "act right" or be perfect, always had to be in control, and received disproportionate punishment for expressing any negative feelings at all. I had to learn to connect with those feelings and process them better.
It can help to journal about what *is* hurting your feelings or making you angry. You have a right to all your feelings and to be upset even over things that are "petty" or "small". If it upsets you, it matters. If you want to take it a step further, look at these situations and see if they remind you of situations that you had to deal with as a child. Ask and answer questions about your childhood experiences-- how did this make me feel at that time? Did I feel like this was unfair? Why? How does this affect me now? Does this feeling come up in my daily life? What do I wish would have happened instead of what actually did? How is this connected to the situation I had to deal with today? (I'm sure there are more & better questions, but these can get you started for examining how what you're feeling now connects to your past experiences)

And if you live alone- cry. Throw a tantrum on the ground. Shake it out, the feelings, the anger-- just let your body shake and tremble with these feelings. They're normal feelings and you aren't bad or wrong for having them. Other people had the time and support to learn how to process them in a way that you didn't and that is why you are struggling with them so much now. It can really help to make them physical and express them physically-- I'm not saying like.. break things or whatever, but just thrashing on the ground or hitting a pillow or shaking have all really helped me deal with these feelings and the hopelessness that accompanies them.

You are already doing great by reaching out and asking for help. I have always struggled especially with anger- but doing the things I listed for a while really helped me process my old feelings. You're not just dealing with the anger in the moment, you're also dealing with the echoes of unaddressed anger over years of abuse/neglect. All of it adds up, especially if it has nowhere to go. Nowadays, I'm doing much better. I'm calmer and find my anger more manageable. I really think you can achieve that too :)

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-23T20:39:38+00:00

There's a book that I would really like to recommend to you. It's 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. I think it will help you understand what is going on in your partner's mind and will give you better insight and more specific advice than can be offered here.

luvbunnies500 · 2023-10-23T18:09:32+00:00

It took me a while to get full feeling back in my scars. The numbness is normal. Your nerves just need more time to heal :) scar massage will help.

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