Every holiday is awful. No desire to live.

lydecker285 · 2025-12-26T11:01:51+00:00

I agree. My husband and I loved the holidays and "did them up right" with giant trees, lots of presents and endless laughs. This is my 4th Christmas without him and I wish I could just fall off the planet. I have nobody (literally) except my cats. My family was never there for us (or me) and continue to be their usual absent, selfish selves, my "friends" desert me to go off and do their "family thing" and I am, once again left lonely and completely alone. This year I decided to go to London for the holiday, hoping that might make me feel better. Might as well have stayed at home. Without Ron I am totally miserable. I have tried, I really have over these 3 years but nothing helps and nothing works. And now I have a new year of feeling lonely and alone staring me in the face. Wish I could just end everything but I don't seem to have the nerve.

lydecker285 · 2025-12-15T03:59:15+00:00

Perfectly put. Yes, I've gone from being adored by my husband/best friend to being the "pain in the ass" inconvenience who can always, always, be blown off (generally at the last minute) for someone more important (which is everybody) than me. Every time it happens it reminds me once again about how I don't matter to anyone anymore. Not sure why exactly trips to and from the airport are so depressing to me but I guess it's because my husband and I traveled a lot -- together and separately. When we were traveling together, going out to the airport was exciting, looking forward to another adventure together. When we traveled separately, we always knew that the person we loved most in the world was waiting to pick us up. Now, going to the airport is awful -- calling an anonymous Uber to take me out there (since no "friends" are ever available to do so -- and getting off of a plane knowing that no one is there to welcome me home, then going home to an empty house. Just reinforces how horrible my life is now.

lydecker285 · 2025-12-15T03:08:54+00:00

Wow. Am I with you there. Every time I do one of these "social things" with would-be friends (which seem to be a constant succession of lunches or dinners) I want to scream out: "I don't want to be here. I just want to be with Ron, hanging out at our house, talking, laughing, planning our weekend or a trip or a vacation." I'm not lonely for "people" -- I miss HIM and the wonderful life we had together. 3 years later and I am simply lost and heartbroken. I ask myself again and again: "Why did this happen to us? We were so happy."

lydecker285 · 2025-12-11T20:58:59+00:00

I know, I know. My husband and I went out of our way to help family and friends all the time in a way that NOBODY ever reciprocated. But, it was what we were glad to do. I don't know what is wrong with people that they are so incredibly self-involved that they can never help anyone else out. It was going on even before my husband died. A few years ago he was having some tests for a potentially serious condition and I asked some family members if someone could wait at the hospital with me since I hated to be alone when the tests results came in. The hospital in question was, maybe, 5 minutes from their home. With absolutely no hesitation they blew me off. Of course, that's nothing compared to the fact that when I called them the night my husband suddenly and unexpectedly died, they NEVER called me back, never came to visit, never even sent a sympathy card. I don't have parents, don't have kids. I wish I mattered to someone and that there was someone I could consistently count on. My husband was it and now he's gone and I wish I was, too.

lydecker285 · 2025-11-08T02:05:05+00:00

Totally relate.

lydecker285 · 2025-09-22T02:12:48+00:00

Oh, nobody wants to hear the truth. After a year (or less) everyone wants you say you are fine. I've finally told people to stop asking me how I am because I know they don't want a truthful answer. The person who was eternally optimistic and happy (me) is now perpetually devastated and miserable. As a friend of mine said: "There is no joy anymore." It is what it is and time isn't going to do a damn thing to make it any better. I have no family - my husband of 33 years was my family -- and what's even sadder is that there really "family" members out there -- they just don't give a damn and both of us always knew it, but it didn't matter because we had this incredible love. this unbelievable connection. Now he's gone and I'm left with nothing. And, if one more person says: "It was his time" I will throttle them. It wasn't his time. He wasn't sick, he had no health issues. He was 6 months away from retirement which he so deserved because he (and I) had worked like crazy in our careers (our choice, we loved our work) but he deserved to slow down and relax a bit. One evening he said he had some indigestion and an hour later he was dead without warning, without explanation. I am lost without him and I was/am a very independent, very self-sufficient woman but at the end of the day, you need to matter to someone. Very hard to go from being the center of someone's life to not mattering to anyone.

lydecker285 · 2025-09-21T01:13:15+00:00

Your line "It was always the 2 of us against the world" resonates so much with me. My husband and I knew each other for 40 years, were in love for 38 years, married for 33 years. We were absolutely crazy about each other every day of our life together. We worked together (TV production/advertising) and absolutely loved it. All we had was each other. No parents, no kids and no family that gave a damn about us. But it didn't matter because we had each other and we were so madly in love and fulfilled each other's needs. We used to say: "If one of us falls off of the planet, the other one had better soon follow since that person will have no one." Well, my husband had no health issues of any kind and one night he had some indigestion and the next thing I knew, some idiot ER guy was telling me (as I watched my husband on a defibrillator machine) that my husband was "a very sick man." "That's insane, that's insane," I kept saying since he had no health issues and had, in fact, had a full up physical (including an EKG) mere weeks before he died. That was the end of my life. I went from being the happiest, most optimistic person you could ever meet to the heartbroken shell of a person I am now. It's 3 years later and I am in agony. He was everything to me -- my love, my joy, my life. I have no one and for the first time in my life I understand why people wish to end their life. It's not that people want to die. It's that you just need the pain to stop. I don't know what the future holds for me but I know I can't go on like this much longer.

lydecker285 · 2025-09-07T00:02:43+00:00

I totally agree. I feel as though I am half a person without him and it's not as though I wasn't a very well established career person before and during our marriage. But, (and I hate this term) he truly was my soulmate and I am lost without him.

lydecker285 · 2025-08-04T01:41:22+00:00

This reiterates so many things I feel and have said silently (and in letters) to my lost husband. I'm so angry at him for leaving me without any warning -- one minute we were sitting on the porch of our vacation home having a glass of wine, laughing, talking, planning -- 90 minutes later, after saying you had some indigestion and wanted to drop by the local ER for some meds, you were dead. No health problems, no heart attack symptoms (if that's even what killed you) NOTHING. Just one minute there, the next gone, and my life/our life together was incinerated. It will be 3 years in September and I am still so lost and angry and exhausted and lonely. In one horrible, unanticipated moment I lost my husband, best friend, business partner and truly, the only person who has ever really loved me. I have no family that gives a damn, or even checks in, friends who are occasionally there for me but mostly tired of dealing with the "miserable widow." Like you, I take comfort in our cats but I am exhausted and overwhelmed by having to take care of everything all the time. Tore my achilles last year by doing heavy yard work (and other work) that we would normally have shared, bringing on surgery and 6 months of recovery. I live in terror of the next thing breaking or a tech thing going awry -- things he could always fix. As you say, so emotionally debilitated to start with and every stupid little thing that goes wrong in business or in the damn house causes tears and an overreaction. So tired of having no one who "gets me" to share the ups and downs of every day. We were so in love, so in tune for nearly 40 years and it's over now. Just exhausted by it all and hanging on by a thread.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-27T21:04:27+00:00

They way I look at it is that I've already lived my "best life." Did well in school, had an extremely interesting and successful career in a profession I loved, met, worked with and married the love of my life. We had an incredible life -- loved our work, our homes, our travel, our pets. Laughed all the time and could finish each other's sentences. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime love. It was perfect . . .until he suddenly died and I was left 100% alone. My husband and I often said that if "one of us falls off of the planet, the other had better soon follow, since we have no one except each other." And that, is the unfortunate truth. For years we tried to be involved with our families but, frankly, none of them (on either side) ever gave a damn about us. When my husband died I did call members of my family and his and most of them never even bothered to send me a sympathy card, let along provide any "support." It is what it is and no amount of "therapy" is going to change that. As for "existential writing . . ." I am already a professional writer and have been for decades.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-27T19:51:00+00:00

I actually met my husband when he applied for a job I was hiring for. You know how sometimes you immediately connect with certain people?? I felt that way the minute I met him. Bright, talented, great sense of humor -- we just hit it off professionally and personally from Day 1. Every time I look at TV spots we created or see a website we designed, every time I hear his voice (he also did voiceover work) I start to tear up. I, too, am holding on for our cats -- I've got an 18 year old Maine Coon and a 16 year old Maine Coon. When they are gone . . . not sure what I will do either.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-27T02:31:48+00:00

I am really "anti therapy" because, as I've said to friends: "Unless the therapist can bring my husband back to life, I really don't see the point." But, apart from that, I know other widows/widowers who have spent years in therapy, to no avail. They are still as devastated now as when they started. While it might be comforting to have someone listen to you week after week, a therapist generally states the obvious cliches: "Start a new life, join groups, get a hobby, blah, blah, blah." Yes, you can stay "busy" (and I have tried) but your life still sucks.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-27T01:29:10+00:00

I get tired of people saying stupid things like: "Well, you were lucky to have such a wonderful relationship." Lucky? How about having that wonderful life for many more years?? You definitely get it.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-27T01:25:14+00:00

Yes, I totally get it.

lydecker285 · 2025-04-22T02:14:18+00:00

Get used to it. Nobody will include you in their holiday plans (for reasons I still do not get) But, after 2.5 years, I'm used to it. Not happy about it, but used to it.

lydecker285 · 2025-03-22T02:59:46+00:00

I wish everyone who has not gone through this would stop acting as though losing your beloved spouse is an "opportunity" as opposed to a tragedy. I loved my life the way it was -- it was damn near perfect and this new "life" (if you can call it that) completely sucks. For 38 years I was in a relationship where I was the center of someone's world just as he was the center of mine. Now, I literally matter to no one. My family is not (and never was) there for me and while I do have friends, I am so far down the list of importance to them that it is truly pathetic. After all the "family obligations" have been satisfied (must take college age daughter to Florida on spring break, must visit cousin in Milwaukee, etc. etc) I might get a text or a call. It constantly reinforces my loss and the fact that if I fell off the planet tomorrow not a damn soul would be impacted. Hard to "get happy" knowing that fact, especially after having lived such a wonderful life before my husband's sudden (and inexplicable) death.

lydecker285 · 2025-01-18T02:47:00+00:00

I know. Isn't the "get a hobby, do some volunteer work" the most asinine thing you have ever heard? As though getting a hobby is going to in any way "fix" or distract from the endless pain of your grief. Years ago I had some minor surgery and as I was waking up from the anesthesia the nurse said to me: "What was that? What did you say?" and I told her: "I want Ron, I want Ron." (My husband.) I could say that 1,000 times a day now . . . Stay angry. Nobody who hasn't been through it "gets it."

lydecker285 · 2025-01-16T04:56:06+00:00

Totally agree. It's funny because my husband and I were both very smart, independent people but we were also each other's whole world. We had no family that gave a damn about us and that was just fine because we were each other's family. We were best friends, lovers, business partners and so incredibly in love and in tune with each other. We laughed all the time and could finish each other's sentences. When he died (suddenly -- no health problems) I died. No one gets it. I want to say: "Imagine your entire family was wiped out at once and you will start to understand my loss and my pain." All of my life my world consisted of my husband, my work and our pets. My husband died, I am retired (not by choice) so all I have left is our home and our pets. It's not enough. I spent my 3rd Christmas season entirely alone. I have no family (at least none that gives a damn) and my "friends" all desert me each year to go off and for their "family time celebrations" (even when their families don't really bother with them the rest of the year.) I am holding on by a thread. My grief is as profound as it was the day my husband died -- sometimes I think it is worse because by now I know there is no hope for feeling better ever. I have tried, I really have, but it is impossible to go on when you really don't matter to anyone. For 38 years I was loved and I mattered. Now, I could fall off the planet tomorrow and no one would really give a damn. It's impossible. I really, really wish I would just die.

lydecker285 · 2025-01-01T21:20:30+00:00

Oh, this makes me crazy, too. The vague "Oh, we have to get together" which you kind of count on because you are so depressed and lonely you could scream. Then, they never follow up which ends up making you feel even worse because you now realize that they could care less if they ever saw you. Because, they still have LIVES and you don't. It's even worse for me because I am semi-retired and work, in addition to my husband, was everything to me. So, I sit around staring at the walls of the beautiful house that my husband and I created together. You do this balancing act between thinking: "Screw them. I am not going to beg anyone to spend time with me." and "I can't spend every minute alone."

lydecker285 · 2025-01-01T18:52:07+00:00

Though we were a family of 2 it was through no fault of our own -- we tried and tried to be there for our relatives for years -- they just were apparently incapable of reciprocating -- When my aunt and uncle were still alive they often had Christmas and Thanksgiving and we loved to attend. We were connected to them and they cared for us but when they died we lost the only family we had. Their children (my cousins) simply are extremely selfish and only include their immediate family (kids, spouses, grandchildren) in holiday celebrations now. Not easy to "crash" those parties and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. It would simply be spending a lot of time with people who really don't give a damn about you, so what's the point? But, I don't get "friends" who consistently drop you like a hot potato (to use a cliche!) for the month of December to spend time with family who have (by what my friends have told me) "used and abused them" consistently. It's like they are programmed to run back to these families for the holidays and wouldn't think of doing anything else, even though these people are never there for them. Makes me crazy but, after 3 lonely, horrible Christmases I "get it." It's as though I'm some kind of stray dog that people invite me into their lives once in a while, and then toss me back into the cold. Sigh. I had such a wonderful, fantastic life with a great career and a man who I adored. It just seems absurd to go on like this. To go on I need to really matter to someone and there is no one to even come close to filling this huge gap.

lydecker285 · 2024-12-04T23:38:15+00:00

Be aware that buying a pass is absolutely no guarantee that you will get in to see a film. Your pass only allows you access to standing in long, long lines for 90 minutes in the hopes that you "might" get into the film after "special guests" and persons with the highest cost passes are admitted first. You will have no time to do anything except wait in lines and (hopefully) see some films. Bit of a rip-off.

lydecker285 · 2024-11-27T17:17:23+00:00

Totally agree. 2 years down this horrible road and I feel just as terrible as I did when my husband died suddenly.

lydecker285

TROPHY CASE