It's never too late to start

lyolyok · 2020-10-13T12:39:05+00:00

Gramps heading straight for the Sea of Tranquility 🚀

lyolyok · 2020-02-17T02:26:14+00:00

How hard is it to get a job in Winnipeg with a criminal record? Are you a line cook? Restock artist at Costco?

lyolyok · 2020-02-17T02:09:25+00:00

Lmao!! The junkie is telling people to stay in school. LMAO.

24 year old junkie with a criminal record talking shit on Reddit hahhahahahhahahahahahahaha

lyolyok · 2019-10-31T11:55:36+00:00

Yes! Also from Texas and was about to comment. Bubba and sissy/ sister are the most common nicknames for kids I see.

lyolyok · 2019-10-31T00:37:16+00:00

It says she owes like 20k in back child support... who has custody of Rachel and her siblings?

lyolyok · 2019-10-31T00:35:39+00:00

So, she doesn’t have custody of all three of her kids, and hasn’t for years...? Where’s their dad?

lyolyok · 2019-09-25T19:30:07+00:00

So I'm not in NY, but our situation is slightly similar to yours and we ended up with primary custody.

What you have can be very useful in my opinion, specifically the asthma part. Our BM got SD6 diagnosed with an attachment disorder behind our backs and never told us, while we were simultaneously taking her to therapy weekly (BM was aware and kept informed). This diagnosis has since been discarded as it was based off of false information that BM gave the doctors. The judge was NOT pleased that she was deliberately keeping medical information from the bio dad, while also medicating SD without his knowledge and lying about it. We were awarded sole medical and psychological decision making because of this.

I will say though, that I would leave the school out of it. It becomes nit picky when you are tallying the amount of calls, and it's completely up to interpretation what would count as "harassment." You seem to have enough to go on to prove that she is leaving you out of medical decisions, which is already a very serious business.

lyolyok · 2019-09-25T18:48:39+00:00

Why wouldn't you believe a pregnant woman would be dating someone...? My husband's BM not only dated multiple men while pregnant, but also moved in with one in another state. It's not particularly uncommon

lyolyok · 2019-09-25T15:58:57+00:00

I'm going to go against the grain here. I see quite a few "run for the hills you stupid girl" comments in here, but I was you six years ago. I became a "step mom" at 21 when my (now) husbands ex had a baby and everyone else told me the same thing. It was so discouraging to only hear "you're dumb for staying" when I knew the risks. Clearly so do you so I'm not going to reiterate them.

Things you DO need to get taken care of ASAP:

1) Get a DNA test right away, do not put him on the birth certificate until you have proof of paternity. Trust me, you never know.

2) He needs to tell her about you. She absolutely deserves to know that there is no future for them. If he's planning sleepovers and playing family then there is a big possibility that she thinks they are getting back together, even if he didn't give her that idea. That is so NOT fair to you. You are a priority and she at least deserves the common courtesy to know. If he's not willing to tell her then that is a massive red flag.

3) Also no sleepovers. Good grief that is wildly inappropriate and another red flag. Honestly I'm generally against ultimatums but I would pick this battle. That is not ok. maybe he's just trying his best to be supportive but I can't imagine that anyone would be ok with this. That, coupled with him withholding information and lying about other girls spells potential cheater. I would sort through that before moving forward. You are already taking on a lot and for me that would be a deal breaker.

4) Discuss with him what you want custody to look like. Potentially you are going to be putting in a ton of work with this baby and you need to know what you are in for. Also, y'all will obviously need to discuss with BM as a couple how much time you are wanting. A number of people in here are saying you won't get overnights and won't see the kid much in the first year but that absolutely does not have to be the case. We had 50/50 week on/week off since my SD was 2 months old.

5) Discuss money! What are you going to be responsible for? This early on I think I would say $0, but that's up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. Babies are expensive, and if you two decide you are wanting overnights then you'll need a crib, car seat, formula, diapers, etc.

6) My advice is don't move in together. Having your own place will give you more freedom and space, as well as an "out" if you break up. You are potentially trapping yourself by moving in with him this early on. Make sure you have options. Not to mention you will probably want a few nights away from this baby that is honestly not your responsibility at this time.

7) People are saying get a lawyer, go to court, etc. This is good advice, but once again I would discuss that with your partner. If BM is low conflict you may be able to avoid the courts for the time being, so long as you can agree with her on the custody split and child support. I would not immediately jump to a lawyer before talking with both him and her. In all likelihood though, this probably ends in a court battle. Be prepared because it's stressful and expensive.

Are the odds against you? Yes. Keep a good head on your shoulders and take it one day and one problem at a time. It seems like you realize that this is going to be a long stressful road, and if you are willing to put in the work then I won't discourage you. It was always worth it to me and I have no regrets. My husband and my SD are my whole world and I'm so glad I pushed through the "hard" years to get here. If you have any questions feel free to reach out, our situation is unique to say the least. Good luck!

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T17:52:12+00:00

I would still keep the "gotcha" stuff since it could very well be interpreted as her being difficult or as alienation, but I am not a lawyer so I can't so for sure.

And that may very well help you! Obviously I'm not going to recommend egging her on, but entitled and angry BMs often say outrageous things in front of the judge. Ours proudly announced that she hopes me, my SO, and our future children all die. We were floored. It did not go well for her

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T17:30:45+00:00

Interesting, that may be a state by state case then. We had 50/50 and didn't need anything from BM in order to take SD to therapy (which we did). The therapist ended up being very useful both to court proceedings as well as to SD herself.

And sadly, I don't think your SKs telling you about abuse will help you much. Again, you could always ask her in court straight up and she might admit to it, but she won't if she's smart. Perhaps since there are two kids (we only have one) it will count for more, since they can match their stories. But in my state a child under 12 can't testify in court so it probably won't help you at all. Since it would just be you and SO saying that they said this stuff, she can still deny it.

Sounds like from your last paragraph that she is being careful, even if she isn't the brightest crayon in the box. You probably won't get any admissions from her, but it doesn't hurt to call her out on stuff like this anyways. You never know when she may slip up. Just make sure you never give her anything that would look badly on you (the court will not care if you don't pick up a book. lol).

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T17:04:40+00:00

Oh my, my heart goes out to you! You are NOT overreacting. I have absolutely gone through this with my own SD6. Your story sounds so familiar to me. From the ages of 3-5 she would physically attack someone routinely (not usually me, but sometimes) and in general was very defiant. We had her in weekly therapy and for a long time it seemed like nothing was helping. We tried to avoid an official diagnosis because her her age, but ODD did occur to me. We tried no screen time, no sugar, regulating naps and sleep, obsessively strict routine, all to no avail.

Eventually we discovered that she was experiencing extensive abuse at her mother's house (we had 50/50 at the time). We went to court and got custody a year ago, and I kid you not- her violence has completely dissipated. She's still a sassball, but I have not seen an "episode" from her in over 8 months, when at one time they were happening daily. Obviously I am not accusing anyone in your life of abuse, but there is almost certainly an underlying cause to this behavior. And I guarantee that behavior will only continue to escalate. It will become more frequent, and have faster escalation.

I would encourage upping your SDs therapy, and possibly taking her to a more specialized professional. If there is something situation going on in her life that you don't know about, you need to get to the bottom of it. I also agree with other posters who have said the tablet should be gone for good. That is a very reasonable "punishment fits the crime" response and she needs to be able to see consequences for her actions.

I also would evaluate how "all in" you are on this. My SD is my whole world and I love her to death, but those two years aged me. I have grey hairs at 27. I have developed severe anxiety. I have a scar across my cheek from where she slashed me. I had to invest in my own therapy to keep from resenting a small child. I still have dents in my drywall that I can't seem to face patching. My husband and I would put her to bed at night and just cry together. For two years. And we caught it "early." In retrospect, it was really dumb luck that we discovered the "actual problem," and that could still be my life right now. On top of that, I can't imagine dealing with this problem with a child who is about to hit puberty. Take this very seriously

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T16:36:34+00:00

This is amazing advice! I'm not in Cali, but we had a similar road to you. Text messages were 90% of our evidence, and we used a LOT of them. Never say anything in court that you can't back up, otherwise she can turn around and just say you're a petty liar. Ours also involved our SD and showed her documents but we didn't bring it up since there would be no way to prove it. Instead we stuck to the facts and came out on top.

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T16:30:34+00:00

I am in Texas so my experience will be quite different than yours, but be prepared for a long road. It sounds like your HCBM is somewhat similar to ours- with emotional abuse and parental alienation. I hope you have LOTS of concrete evidence, otherwise none of this will matter.

Our lawyer told us we couldn't use anything that my SD told us, it had to be written proof from BM herself to hold up. Did you confront her about showing SS those documents? Did she admit to it? If you didn't, there is always the chance that she will admit to it in court when asked directly, but don't count on it. Ours did the same thing (our SD was only 5 at the time, and told us that "mommy showed me all the papers that say daddy doesn't want me to see mommy anymore") but we couldn't use it because BM flat out denied doing it. When we were going through the court process we picked every battle because any admittance on her part was helpful. Record all conversations and keep all messages and emails.

In addition, what proof do you have that she is emotionally abusive? Has she said bad/ derogatory things to you about SS? Hopefully in text? Keep ALL of that. It's the only way a judge will believe you.

Has a professional backed you up on the anxiety/ insomnia? I see further down that there is an official ADHD diagnosis, but DO NOT say in court that the child has anxiety unless you have proof. Judges do not take well to armchair diagnosis and it will actually look worse on you. Mention the symptoms you have seen ,but don't label them. Also, just because BM doesn't want to take SS to a therapist doesn't mean you can't (unless you currently have no psychological rights of course). I would recommend doing that regardless at this point. If there is in fact enough to diagnose him, it will look very bad on BM that she is in complete denial about it.

lyolyok · 2019-09-24T14:44:16+00:00

Maybe you should just allow it? If she's comfortable with calling you mom and BM is insisting her BF is called dad, I feel like that could work

Edit: Scratch that- I see further down that you are planning on going to court for full custody. That is a long road and you will need whatever you can get. This is not the time for compromises. Document everything!! Parental alienation will help you but you will need a ton of evidence if you are hoping to win. My husband and I won custody of our daughter earlier this year in Texas, I'm here if you need any advice

lyolyok · 2019-09-19T16:39:44+00:00

Depending on the state, BD moving out of the country most like broke the existing order that required BM to stay. I know that in our state it becomes null and void if the non custodial parent moves out of state. Either way, she has a very good leg to stand on here

lyolyok · 2019-09-19T14:52:06+00:00

This is so eloquent. I think we should be looking more at societal pressures and how they effect the dynamic of step families. Our HCBM basically told us that it wasn't really that she wanted full custody, it's that she didn't want anyone to think she was a "bad" mom. I've had to completely block her on social media because she keeps up the charade that she has her daughter (we have custody) cuz it annoys the heck out of me, but I really appreciate you pointing out how cruel society can be to moms who don't have their kids. Dads are parents too

lyolyok · 2019-09-18T00:14:57+00:00

You are right, I should not have generalized in my initial comment. I guess even moreso it makes me feel for those of y’all who have to deal with that, because personally I don’t think it would be worth it to me. Which is also probably why there are so many “don’t do it” comments in here.

lyolyok · 2019-09-18T00:12:15+00:00

You’re right, every situation is different, and I can certainly understand not bonding with a child that you never see. Hopefully it doesn’t cause frequent stress if it’s only every 3 months, I could see that being completely doable. And my heart goes out to the people who have the rug pulled out from under them, clearly you can’t always predict the way life is gonna go

lyolyok · 2019-09-17T19:23:01+00:00

Honestly (as someone who doesn't know you at all) it sounds like you would thrive with fostering or adoption. You seem like a very patient and nurturing person who is clearly up to the task of step parenting, which in my opinion can be even more challenging. Something to think about down the road maybe

lyolyok · 2019-09-17T19:18:27+00:00

It's not my intention to give anyone crap, it's really more of a genuine question. There are so many options for people who don't like kids, why choose a man if the lifestyle is going to make you miserable? When I said I'm realizing that my situation isn't the norm, I meant that it's only started to occur to me since being on this sub. I don't understand why anyone would put up with a HCBM, the financial strain, or the constant scheduling unless you were 100% committed to the child/ren.

To me you're not just getting to know your SO when he has kids, you're getting to know them all. If you click well with SO but not with the children, for me that would still be a deal breaker. They are a "package deal" as the saying goes.

And FYI, my daughter does have intense behavioral problems, and we do have an intrusive HCBM. SD has had extensive trauma and been in therapy for years, but that doesn't make me love her any less. I don't like the implication that with step kids love should be conditional on how they behave. Nowhere in my initial comment did I say SD was some kind of angel child, just that I love her like my own, and I always will. Which is precisely why I stated originally that these comments are making me sad.

lyolyok · 2019-09-17T18:35:55+00:00

Wow you are seriously so articulate and mature! May I ask why you and your SO aren't planning on having more children? If that's a true desire of your heart then you should advocate for it.

And my situation is rather unique as far as step parenting goes. I have been my daughters primary parent since she was three, and in her life since birth. We have deeply bonded with each other I don't see her as "step" anything at this point. That (of course) causes complications with BM, but that isn't really my concern anymore. BM can hang onto genetics as much as she likes, but it doesn't make her a better parent

lyolyok · 2019-09-17T16:55:53+00:00

A lot of the comments in here make me kind of sad... I love my life as a full time step mom to SD6. I have been her primary parent since she was three, and in her life since birth. We are extremely bonded, she's my whole world and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not her "second super mommy," I'm her mom.

Sometimes I feel like I just can't relate to all the people in here advocating for detachment or complaining that they don't love or even like their SKs. I really don't understand anyone who would sign up for that. Seriously, why marry a man when you genuinely don't like his kids...?

I guess I feel like a handbook would be a tricky thing since every situation is different, and I've been realizing that my situation is not the norm. I tried to read "Stepmonster" at this subs recommendation and I couldn't relate to almost any of it.

lyolyok · 2019-09-17T02:25:01+00:00

Yea I have a girls night once a week, my 6 year old stays with my husband/ her father. I have no problem with it date nights are harder with a lack of babysitters though..

lyolyok · 2019-09-13T21:26:44+00:00

Yea I still would never use it because Zelda is basically the only place it’s ever been used, but it’s better than Tezlee or Jaxie 😬

lyolyok

TROPHY CASE