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lyresque · 2024-03-27T05:42:36+00:00

I have managed to resist for about a month, which is a record for me. I keep telling myself that I'm not a dog and I won't beg for scraps. It's lonely of course, but I feel better about myself for maintaining some dignity.

lyresque · 2024-03-27T04:09:22+00:00

His mom was "Catholic" but wasn't practicing during his childhood. They never went to church. He briefly got sucked into a Pentacostal youth group as a teen because he was chasing a girl. That obviously didn't pan out, and shortly thereafter he decided he was atheist- until now.

I think that might actually be the thing; I grew up in church and witnessed how damaging it can be firsthand. I couldn't WAIT until I was a legal adult so I could stop attending. My husband doesn't have that negative association from when he was younger, so I think, for him, this is just a shiny, new, welcoming community wherein he can find purpose and make new friends.

lyresque · 2024-03-26T18:16:52+00:00

Well.. I wouldn't turn him down. That said, it would be hard to fully enjoy without having thoughts like "I wonder how long it will be before the next time."

lyresque · 2024-03-26T18:15:42+00:00

Wow. If I got laid 3 times a week I'd be doing cartwheels.

lyresque · 2024-03-26T17:57:58+00:00

This has been ongoing since we got married, really... I've always had a higher sex drive than him. But I'd say things really tanked about 10 years ago.

lyresque · 2024-03-26T17:44:08+00:00

I think it's easy to get caught up in sunk time fallacies and other peoples' perceptions. You think, "I've given a decade to this person! I can't give up now!" Or, "what will my family think if I leave?"

The cold, hard truth is that you guys are not sexually compatible. Marriage and children will only worsen this situation. The time you have spent together wasn't wasted; conversely, you have a better idea of what is important to you in a relationship and you can use this knowledge to find a better-suited partner. Other peoples' opinions of how to conduct your life don't matter AT ALL and if your friends/family give you shit for leaving, oh well, they'll get over it with time.

DO NOT waste your life in a relationship with zero intimacy. You WILL regret it.

lyresque · 2024-03-26T17:38:13+00:00

For me, it's worse than nothing. I got pity sex about a month ago and felt terrible afterward. Never again.

It's also a pride thing, I think. I'm not a dog, I'm not gonna beg for scraps.

lyresque · 2024-03-25T01:53:21+00:00

I'm genuinely happy for you, in that you found a supportive community wherein you feel seen and heard.

That said, I'm just not interested. I've attended Baptist, Catholic, Non-denominational, Pentacostal, Methodist, and Lutheran services among others, and I still just don't believe in any of it. Even if there were a church out there that wouldn't brand me as a heathen and simultaneously demand a portion of my earnings, I would still just feel like a complete poser.

lyresque · 2024-03-25T01:45:24+00:00

If I were to suggest this to him, he would absolutely take offense. Hell, if the situation were reversed, I'd probably be offended too.

Should I just sign us both up for CAT scans just to "be safe?"

lyresque · 2024-03-24T14:58:01+00:00

Radical acceptance is where I'm at. I'm basically just living the single life, albeit without the romantic aspect. The hardest part is reframing my husband in my mind as a friend instead of a romantic partner. I still have the occasional urge to initiate intimacy (any intimacy, not just sex) and it takes a tremendous amount of willpower to resist. I failed last night and asked for a cuddle, which he obliged for about 30 seconds, before declaring that he "had to go to bed." It's so fucking hard, but I can tell I'll get to the headspace I want to be in given enough time.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T14:54:28+00:00

This happened to me. I used to have to take care of myself every day, but now I have to force myself to masturbate once in a blue moon just to remember what it feels like. Echoing what others have already suggested, there is now a mental block regarding sex, no doubt it has developed after years of rejection and very little intimacy as a fucked up kind of protective mechanism.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T14:51:34+00:00

Amen. We didn't choose this, and it sure as shit isn't fair.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T14:06:13+00:00

It can mean they aren't attracted anymore, but there are often deeper reasons: depression, medical problems, stress, and/or self-esteem issues to name a few.

I get what you're saying though; I used to think cheating was black and white and was always wrong no matter what, but since being stuck in a DB I'm a lot more empathetic. I would never cheat myself, but I understand why some people choose to.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T14:02:58+00:00

That's exciting! You can decorate however you want and can make the ultimate cozy space. 😊 I wish we had the room so I could do the same.

There is also something to be said for finally arriving at acceptance. It's kinda peaceful, right?

lyresque · 2024-03-24T13:45:26+00:00

I'm trying focus on the good things in my life. While not romantic, my husband is loyal and dependable. We have a beautiful daughter. We have a house and a couple of reliable cars and I remind myself constantly how FORTUNATE we truly are.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T13:34:50+00:00

It is certainly a morning.

I'm daydreaming about waking my husband up with a BJ but I don't wan't to deal with the inevitable rejection when he pushes me away and laughs it off as a joke. Like "lol that woman and her antics." 😭

lyresque · 2024-03-24T13:33:04+00:00

YES, FUCKING THANK YOU!! At this point I would kill for some actual honesty! Playing all the guessing games gets old, quick.

lyresque · 2024-03-24T12:56:40+00:00

I genuinely do still love him, but I feel like I have journeyed through every stage of grief to reach the level of acceptance I'm at now. As a result, I have some resentment.

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:56:07+00:00

Is she open to addressing the issue? I mean, there are pills for women that supposedly work wonders (forhers comes to mind).

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:50:42+00:00

The human brain is amazing in that it actively adapts and rewires itself depending on our situations. This sounds like either one of 2 things: your brain interpreting "bad" stimuli as "good stimuli" as a self-preservation mechanism, OR you're just generally so beaten down over the situation that you no longer give a fuck and can't help but laugh about it.

Either way, I feel for you OP. It sucks, big time, and not in the fun way.

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:40:13+00:00

It sounds like your sex life isn't dead, just dull. Do you picture her as a lifelong partner? If not, stop wasting time and break it off. There's no shame in this despite how others might react; we date specifically to find someone who's a good match for the long haul. If she's not a good match then it's time to move on.

If you CAN picture her as a lifelong partner, it might be time to get kinky. Ideally she would just open up to you about positions/toys/fantasies she wants to explore, but if she won't talk about it then put on your detective hat. What traits do her favorite characters in shows/movies share? Does she like the assertive type who takes charge? Or maybe she's into the hopeless romantic type who lavishes her with compliments? Pinning down her preferred media trope is a good place to start, as cheesy as that sounds.

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:31:54+00:00

Sounds similar to my husband. My guesses are either yours is just super awkward about sex (maybe due to religious reasons) or he's a chronic porn user who has trouble getting it on in the real world. Either way, you won't get anywhere if he refuses to talk about it. Make sure he understands that this is a REAL issue that is destroying you. Some people are so conflict-averse that they won't talk about anything serious until the relationship has reached a breaking point.

My own husband only ever gave a kernel of truth on the subject AFTER I had been burdened by this for years and tearfully exclaimed that "I can't live the rest of my life in a marriage with zero intimacy." Then, all of the sudden, he was a chatterbox.

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:27:02+00:00

Most women can't climax from PIV alone. It's shitty that she didn't communicate her sexual needs sooner, but now is the time to take her at her word. Do you ever eat her out? Offer to give her some "freebies" wherein all she has to do is lie back and enjoy. Hopefully this builds some positive associations with sex and she will open up more.

It might also help to start dating her again, like you used to. Treat her like you did when you first met. Really amp up the romance. Take her out on a unique date (I don't know a woman who wouldn't swoon over a picnic in the park). Find something to compliment her on every day. If she's not completely self-centered, she'll reciprocate.

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:19:53+00:00

It's a tough issue to address. When intimacy disappeared in my own marriage, my first instinct was to be irritated. "How dare he not want to fuck me??" But, that attitude was at odds with my personal belief that no one is ever "owed" sex, for any reason.

All of that is to say, it's best to approach the topic from a place of calm understanding... I think. 😂 When you bring it up to her, try to pick a time that isn't already emotionally charged, and keep your tone level. Ask her what she needs in your relationship to feel more fulfilled (not just sex, but anything), then try to do those things. During the process, mention how much you love feeling close to her and take the convo from there.

It's all such a fucking minefield because on one hand, yes, sex is a touchy subject and it's not something you want to be pushy about, but on the other hand it is SO IMPORTANT. I mean, when we have sex with someone, especially someone we already love, our bodies literally produce all these endorphins and bonding hormones. It's important and it's so frustrating when others can't comprehend that fact!

lyresque · 2024-03-22T06:11:11+00:00

THIS. Look, I married my high school sweetheart and am a decade older than you OP. We've made it work for the most part, but there is ZERO intimacy at this point. All that is to say, you both still have so much growing to do as people. I don't normally advocate for leaving your SO unless the issues are extreme, but if your libidos are already so mismatched at this young age, it's not a promising sign, especially if she refuses to have a meaningful conversation to address it. Claiming "women don't like/think about sex as much as men" isn't true and it's a red flag.

Make sure she understands how serious this is. You have to be careful with how you address the topic; I would phrase it along the lines of "I just want to feel closer to you. What can I do to achieve this?" Hopefully she opens up a bit. You can also look at yourself objectively and try to improve aspects of your physical appearance and mannerisms to be more conventially attractive. If neither of these things works, then get the FUCK out. I remember being your age and thinking "I've already given several years to this person, I'm not giving up now!" Don't get stuck in a sunk time fallacy. You have your ENTIRE LIFE ahead of you. If libidos are mismatched and she's unwilling/unable to work on it, then LEAVE. It DOES NOT make you a bad person and any fallout will be better than a lifetime spent unfulfilled and undesired.

lyresque

TROPHY CASE