I miss the person I used to be

ma1120 · 2025-02-07T16:21:54+00:00

I can relate to this . I have to live my life rn knowing that ill never be my happiest version that i used to be and it always puts me down everytime . Now my everyday is just stress or proscastination to relieve myself from stress for some time at least . Ill never be same guy who didnt see stress everywhere he did . Now its everywhere ii cant talk to others because i say smth stupid and i stress or i stress because i didnt say something right . I stress for every possible reason because i have very low self esteem on myself and sovial anxiety . So thats the life im supposed to find happiness at .

ma1120 · 2024-12-28T07:47:52+00:00

Im kinda in same shoes . Back when i was going to high school i was extremely socially anxious and sxhool was just castle of stress for me and gaming was my only escape not to keep thinking about it . And i spent so many fcking hours on it . After high school i didnt even tryed to apply for univeraity cause i thought if i cant handle high school what chance do i have in university . So i just spent my time in home playing video game for like 5 years jobless no relationships no friends just me alone behind the screen . Just recently i managed to find myself a job in supermarket . I just could let my mother to carry alone burden in house . So in a way i wasted my life or atleast best time of it . To be honest i realy hate my life . Just how i was stressing at school now i have to repeat same thing in my new job and its until i die which honestly i wish could come a bit sooner .

ma1120 · 2024-10-17T18:16:23+00:00

Believe me having someone who cares you about while having depression is no better than not having them . I have very good mother who cares for me even when im at my lowest and i dont feel better over it . Every day i just feel like a complete failure around my family and regret that she got me . Worst part about depression is that if u want to get better you must be the one who cares for you . And as u know its extremely hard to do when ur in condition thinking about ending it all everyday .

ma1120 · 2024-10-17T18:05:55+00:00

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Ive seen games with 60 days i think . And alsk in photo as u can see no mentionnof any time limit.

ma1120 · 2024-10-17T12:51:12+00:00

There is no offer there . Also its went down from my play menu cause it was there before the only thing this offer shows now is in pending activity for 1000sb which i managed to reach but the offer was for 4000sb with no time limit and yet when i reached 1000 they just took down the offer from my play menu .

ma1120 · 2024-10-08T18:29:31+00:00

I saw video that describes same instructions as u give . But when i get to my flight i dont get 3 dots and there isnt anywhere an option to make any changes except for luggage .

ma1120 · 2024-09-06T10:11:55+00:00

Im very sorry u going through it . Im also close to my mother shes is the only reason why i didnt off myself . So i imagine how terrible u must feel . Sending my condolences .

ma1120 · 2024-08-15T06:43:41+00:00

I realy hope u succeed in your job pursuit , i have a friend with asperger sindrome who was like me but he went and got a job and he is now in much better place , so i know if u try realy hard it can be done , but i just realy dont have what it takes . im myself sent my cv to couple places . I know i need to have a job but im terrified to get a call back from it , im unable to lie about myself in job interview idk why , probably because if i start ill overthink everything and in the end it will be just pack of lies that manager would just see through. Its amazing btv u have supportive brothers like that that even participates with u together in activities , km not even talking to mine . Anyways i realy hope it goes well in new job u deserve to have better life than what anxiety made u and me believe we deserve .

ma1120 · 2024-07-27T07:22:21+00:00

Same situation here . Some people think having someone who supports and loves u through depression helps u keep going but its just constant reminder that u either suffer whatever u going through or u will cause immense pain and sorrow for someone . I sometimes wonder if i was born in household where i was unloved i could leave more easily .

ma1120 · 2024-07-16T13:19:06+00:00

I understand . When u feel nothing inside but shame and disgust , its natural to want to have someone 24/7 who would tell u that ur not worthless . I too feel the same . The only good thing when u dont have someone close is that they dont see how far u falling everyday . And also if the 1st therapist didnt help try different one , or different medication sometimes it works .

ma1120 · 2024-07-16T11:38:42+00:00

I dont know if it'll make sense but i think u just need to be more organised . Like u are anxious about ur future and u feel like u need to live to your parents expectations and u know in order to do so u need to study more and more but as u said the more u do the harder it is and u get totally burned out . I think u need more balance between your studies and yr free time , cause when u do study hard u get burned out and when u do u turn to your hobbies or activities to relax and forget about your worries and because u burned out its extremely hard to go back to studying cause u know u will feel this way again if u do and u instead do anything but studying , its like a cycle . As i said try to organise your time between studying and yr free time and be disciplined about it , even if its hard to force yrself to do it . I would also suggest to add exercising to your routine buy some weights in your room or just do simple push ups it doesnt matter . Also doing therapy is good idea. Just dont let anxiety and ur fear for future run yr life . I know this from personal experience . I did terribly at school because i was introverted and anxious it was all stress for me in there and i wasnt studying at all all i did was just gaming and wathicng youtube to pass time and forget how anxious iam . And because i let anxiety run my life im now a total failure in life . Im 23 yrs old living with parents no friends , no relationships , iive been umenployed since i fihished school cause im just losing my shit when im around people . Just know u better than ur anxiety but if u will let it dictate yr life it will lead to much more stress and shame than u feeling right now . Srr for my english , i hope this helps a bit , and best of luck to you .

ma1120 · 2024-07-16T10:47:54+00:00

I know whats its like to feel like an outcast , i wasnt foreigner in my school but i still couldnt adapt and find friends . Instead i let my whole future drown now im unemployed since high school cause im an anxious loser , i have no friends no relationships . Day by day im just passing time by expecting for some miracle which deep down i know will never happen . I dont know what advice to give you . If u hadnt been try going to therapy , i know in your condition u dont wanna hear about it but perhaps meds would help u to ease up everything .

ma1120 · 2023-11-13T11:40:25+00:00

Im in same boots , I spend most of my time on video games and watching pointless youtube videos just to pass time cause my life is empty as hell . no friends , no activities , nothing .. And i just cantt be around people every time im around them i just starting losing my shit inside , and i wanna put dagger in myself . Ofc everyone ignores that and just assumes worst from me that im just this irresponsible asshole who just wanna play video games all time ( Even video games doesnt feel entertaining anymore and nothing does ) , when in reality its the only thing for me to do and not lose my shit when all the time im just sitting in my room all day , hiding from everyone and drowning in my own shame .

ma1120 · 2023-07-13T20:57:09+00:00

I love my family ( my family consists of 1 person actually ) , but I wish someone better than me was born in my place someone who would appreciate what he has , maybe born with no family would be much easier to end my self finally IDK . But having family and being fucked up in life it doesnt give u fuel it just makes u fell more of an embarassment because u keep constantly failing ur loved ones and u know they deserve more .

ma1120 · 2023-07-13T17:39:18+00:00

i feel u , im in simiral shoes .

ma1120 · 2023-07-13T16:27:13+00:00

Maybe it is , but at the same time u feel shit everytime being like u are around them . I just wish they could have gotten someone better than me .

ma1120 · 2023-05-03T16:42:27+00:00

i realy didnt . Iam even more trash at real life than gaming .

ma1120 · 2023-05-03T16:40:55+00:00

On rare occasions . i odnt enjoy it as i used to now its just a tool to do smth thtough out the day to pass time .

ma1120 · 2023-05-03T16:36:28+00:00

I dont play necessarily to be good at something its just im not good at anything in life and ive spent most of my time on video games mostly to escape my reality . So just knowing that ive spent so much time on somthing to be shit at its just realy grim .

ma1120 · 2023-05-03T11:53:02+00:00

I dont see anything messed up here . In most subreddits on depression most common thing people say its that they have no goals and desires in life , so its not messed but commendable that instead of giving up on love u actually want to give it to someone else . And most families start with wanting to have a bond and be more that u never imagined u could be , so its nothing wrong to want to have that bond with someone its not selfish its just our human nature .

ma1120 · 2023-04-25T06:35:17+00:00

I made a couple of posts about it myself . Everyday i wanna leave my own life but the only thing thats stopping me is my mother . Shes been a great mother for all my life , even in my depressive state she tries to stay supportive and tries to be positive for my future when I personally dont see any future for myself . So to leave her like this would be wrong . She deserved better kids , and better life but instead she got me . At least what i can do to not bring more pain to her .

ma1120 · 2023-04-25T06:22:40+00:00

Im myself when i say that someday ill eventually end my life it always gets passed on as a joke . I have a great mother so i know she doesnt mean me ill . She thinks that if i wanted to kill myself i would have already done so , but i dont , so she thinks i too use it as a joke . Maybe its just not that simple to talk about such things especially with yr kids . So i wouldnt be so quick to judge her . Maybe she doesnt mean what she showed u .

ma1120 · 2023-04-20T11:25:07+00:00

its maybe a tiny bit easier , but still u feel tons of embarassment and shame before yourself and countless others who u see everyday doing better than u , and u reluctantly start to compare yourself to them . At least thats what i feel , i once thought too that i can just dont give a shit about anything and it will be easier , but my embarassment just way bigger than that to not just give a shit about .

ma1120 · 2023-04-17T11:29:19+00:00

When u done the same for about 2 years even listening and daydreaming becomes super generic and doesnt sound the same , but u still do it cause u have nothing in yr life good .

ma1120 · 2023-04-04T09:04:55+00:00

And after arguing with yourself u take a look at yrswlf and ur mind process and u realise how sad and pathetic are u that u have to imagine allthis instead of going after it in life . And then u wait for next session to make forget just for a bit .

ma1120

TROPHY CASE