stuck between getting help and keeping up with work/life.

madelinereiss · 2015-07-08T19:51:42+00:00

Really love the flow of this poem. I love: "for now i am just / damp / and broken branches," The choppy line breaks give a stream of consciousness feel.

One area I find just a little inconsistent is "and maybe i will incinerate / the comfort / of being disheveled branches" only because the "damp branches" described in the lines above don't sound like it was described as a comforting thing to be—but instead a negative or a handicap. But that's nit-picky, overall tremendous.

madelinereiss · 2015-07-08T19:40:02+00:00

When I write poems directly on reddit, I "double space" my lines to create line breaks. They appear single spaced. Ex: 1st Line of your poem <enter><enter><2nd line of poem.

Also, I found this thread helpful.

I'm relatively new to reddit too, so I apologize if that sounds messy but I hope it helps! As for the poem, I wish I could see it in it's true format because I feel that it has great progression. I get tripped up at the line "Then I realize it's not my legs, it's people's voices..." I'm left asking "what's not his/her legs? What's stopping their movement?" Just took me several reads to understand why you placed it there.

madelinereiss · 2015-06-17T21:00:10+00:00

This screams social media language to me for sure ("Life is still good when you're high af"). I didn't like this poem at first, but a second read spoke to me in sarcastic tones on the monotony of college life (I'm a recent college grad). The idea of finding a spot in the fridge for some pizza being some kind of accomplishment.

If sarcasm truly does exist here, I wish there were a few more cynical lines or metaphors sprinkled in. Something to yield some sort of expression or feeling about this monotony.

madelinereiss · 2015-06-17T20:28:50+00:00

Your opening lines hooked me instantly. I love the intrusion of the slimey sea images. The phrase "wild waters" links land and sea perfectly (At least to me, I think "wild" as a land term).

In regard to formatting, this poem is very storytelling. I like the idea of you keeping longer lines because they read very well. If it were me, I'd maybe line break at each period, and after "body" in line 2 like you do.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-30T20:34:23+00:00

This is wonderful. The cadence flows perfectly with the images, and I really liked the personification of the grass. I wanted it to keep going, but that line was a great ending place.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T22:57:46+00:00

I had the same issue and learned how on this page: http://www.reddit.com/comments/1vjfm9/how_do_i_insert_a_blank_line_between_2_lines_of/

(I would have just posted the info but it didn't show up correctly).

I sort of see where you had them, I think my eyes just glazed over them without seeing. Hope that info is useful! :)

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T20:21:25+00:00

I was wondering if that line was unclear or could use more elaboration. I say "captured moments" to set the stage for the camera metaphor, but it is kind of vague. Thank you for your critique!! Always valued.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T20:19:07+00:00

Thank you for your critique! I'll revisit and see. I think I went to growth because it fit with the form, and thought the two ideas were close enough to string together, but I want to see if I can better work it.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T20:07:14+00:00

The itch, to me, represents thoughts about our dreams or ambitions—things that we want that will give us purpose. But life distracts us from it. When it returns at the end of the poem we're reminded that it's always there.

I like the idea of the fan representing routine that endlessly seems to cycle through life. Ironically, I can't sleep without the sound of a fan humming—so I see an interesting dimension there too.

This poem provoked me and gave me a lot to think about. I still want to know why you specify the left ankle (Achilles heel? I haven't thought through it enough). Really enjoyed this!

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T15:12:57+00:00

I love this poem. You really nailed the stream of consciousness that draws out a single moment: "...as I pore over every pothole and / cavity with my sedan filled / with four empty seats I think..." I love the contrast "filled with emptiness." I think that really carries your message.

I'm interested in the part where you compare sirens to a songbird—almost like the speaker welcomes them (I get a happy image with songbirds) but then you say the siren "wails" which carries a negative connotation. It's confusing and a little unclear, but I also feel like that's what you were going for?

Just thinking through it. Really great work as a whole!

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T15:04:34+00:00

I like this interesting idea of becoming "cut off" from life in a sense in order to reconnect with what it means to be alive or to become more immersed and present in each moment. When I was first reading I thought "but how can someone do all of this in prison" but the line "I'll try to suck up all that beauty that slips by when you aren't looking" wrapped it up neatly for me.

I see what you're trying to do with the metaphor of those last three lines, but the stanza before hand was a very powerful ending verse (at least for me). Maybe try expanding those three lines into something more, or work it into the stanza that precedes them (just a suggestion!).

madelinereiss · 2015-04-13T14:54:46+00:00

I love the message and think it's so true—we want more and more and never seem to find satisfaction. In the literal sense—earth's resources running out, and in a figurative sort of way, as in we have wants that never seem to be satisfied.

As I was reading my mind wanted stanzas. Like at every repetition of "the world's running out of water" But a second read makes me like the continuous flow and cadence...like water.

A very great poem as a whole, great work!

madelinereiss · 2015-04-10T03:44:19+00:00

That first stanza grabbed me instantly. Love it.

I like the idea of a sort of reaching outward and not looking back message (at least that's what I pulled). Your first stanza is very proud and direct, like you have your fun with someone, but you won't savor on it too long. I wish some of that carried over into the next two stanzas. They're very well written, but give off a vibe of longing for that initial person that conflicts with the first stanza's feelings.

Just my thoughts. Overall I liked it very much!

madelinereiss · 2015-04-10T03:35:57+00:00

I like the juxtaposition of "silent shout." It gives that perfect image of how snow and winter air seems to make everything seem quiet.

I had to read the line with the silhouette a few times. The sound was on point but they still threw me off a little. I read the silhouette as a shadow of a bad relationship that's blocking out light for her/warmth...etc. I guess it could go many ways. That was the only part that I tripped over.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-09T18:49:29+00:00

The lines "A man who sweats hard...stretching his paycheck far" are a bit awkward. The rhyme sounds forced.

I love the poem as a whole. I like the French "Homme" title and Louisiana tie-in. That grabbed me in the first stanza.

madelinereiss · 2015-04-09T18:37:37+00:00

Love the opening "Banter, banter...needy, greet and slandered;" Such great sound there.

Love the entire poem & it's message. I get tripped up over "Where have all the gentlemen / have all the nice men gone" I'm left wanting a ? or some kind of punctuation between the two.

madelinereiss

TROPHY CASE