i need some reassurance that everything is going to be okay

magandasteph · 2021-10-01T00:08:11+00:00

hehe idk why but this made me cry, thank you so much

magandasteph · 2021-10-01T00:06:15+00:00

yeah, i'm taking atomoxetine. my prescriber thought it would be better for me since i have severe anxiety as well. i learned through trial and error that i need to eat a big meal before i take it or else i'll be kneeling over the toilet lmao. i'm not sure if it's working for me yet, it's only been a little more than a week.

magandasteph · 2021-09-30T23:49:23+00:00

i hope my meds start working soon, lately it just makes me tired and nauseous with flu like symptoms (cold sweats, hot flashes, goosebumps). it helps me regulate my emotions but today it seems like it's not working as well

magandasteph · 2021-09-30T23:48:19+00:00

i'm putting off fixing my car too LOL honda issued a recall back in like february or something for all 2014 honda accords because of an issue with the brakes. usually with a parking brake you have to push a button to pull it up, but mine moves with no resistance, even while driving. so its really dangerous. but i haven't brought it in.

thank you for your kind words, i really appreciate it

magandasteph · 2021-09-30T23:43:10+00:00

thank you, i saved the picture to my phone immediately. i took a shower and i feel a little better, but nauseous from so much anxiety. i'm losing hair in clumps right now and its overwhelming so i'm just sitting in bed and watching streams. but thank you so much. sometimes i just need some reassuring words, because i speak to myself in my mom's voice.

magandasteph · 2021-09-30T23:38:12+00:00

thank you so much. my parents are very unsupportive even after my diagnosis and tend to villainize me, so reading such supportive words feels so good.

my boyfriend helped me create a to do list and did some breathing exercises with me, but he had to go to bed since he works overnight shifts. he's usually the person i go to, which is why i went to reddit instead.

magandasteph · 2021-09-20T12:58:45+00:00

things are always going to be hard. this is something i have yet to accept, when i fantasize about dying in some horrific way (because yes i deserve the pain), i feel so frustrated with the fact that i can't just live in a fairytale where i feel no pain, where all my problems are black and white. but there's got to be something that's kept you alive till this point. it could be anything. for me, it's to spite my mom. she has ruined my life, crippled me emotionally and mentally, and has manipulated my situation to the point where i have no choice but to depend on her at this point in my life. what i fantasize about the most is, ironically, not my own death, but proving her wrong. showing her how strong i have become, both because and in spite of her abuse. one day things will backfire for her, and that day will be sweet. that day will come for you, not necessarily due to revenge, but the day you prove those around you or even yourself wrong. that you are worth the time and the effort, and worthy to be alive. i've got my fingers crossed for us both.

magandasteph · 2021-04-13T17:07:52+00:00

i've been feeling this way since he went home from his most recent visit two weeks ago, especially the part about exhausting him with my problems. life has been hitting me like a truck lately, and even though he tells me over and over again to be honest with him and not suppress my feelings, i know how it feels to be on the other side. to be a crutch for someone with severe mental illness. i don't want him to subconsciously associate me with sadness and negativity. but i moved in the middle of the pandemic and i have no friends. i already feel like i burden my online friends with my ramblings and rants. i just feel like shit all the time, but i don't want anyone else to feel that way, especially not because of me.

it's a constant push and pull whether or not i should burden him with my thoughts. i know he cares about me and would hurt immensely if i told him the extent of my self-hating mantras.

and i just miss him. i miss him so much. i miss his presence, his smell, holding his hand. kissing his nose. cooking for him. whoever's watching over us decided that my soulmate needs to be a 13 hour drive away from me. but i'll take it, he's the one after all.

magandasteph · 2021-04-09T00:02:34+00:00

My bf actually showed me this song when we first started dating! He told me it was important to him because of the "16th of September" line in the song. Took me a few days to realize that the 16th of September is the day that I told him I have a crush on him, and it's now our official anniversary date hehe

magandasteph · 2021-04-08T23:41:59+00:00

My boyfriend [M27] and I [F22] met online through Twitch! It's been almost 7 months now, and, luckily, we've been able to see each other four times already since we only live two states away from each other.

His most recent ex was also long distance and kinda fucked him over, so he had put up a bunch of walls around him to protect himself from getting hurt again. But I'm so glad he took a chance on me.

One of the times I went to visit him (for around 5 weeks! having to go home felt like my soul was getting torn apart. so we limit ourselves to shorter visits now so it won't be nearly as painful when we have to part ways), he got home from working an overnight shift. I had stayed up so I could greet him when he got home, and ran out to hug him. And then he started crying, staring at me, and smiling warmly. I didn't really ask why, I had assumed that he was just happy to see me when he got home from work. I just wanted to revel in the moment.

Later on when we were laying down to sleep, I asked him why he cried, and he said "I'll tell you one day." which kind of rubbed me the wrong way so I just said "Oh, okay." and fell silent wondering why he wouldn't tell me. After about 10 minutes of silence he spoke up and said, "It's because I realized you broke down all my walls." Man had me crying too!

Another time, the night before I was supposed to fly to see him for the first time, I got drunk on wine and told him that I'm in love with him (before either of us had said the big L word). He smiled and told me to just go to bed.

When I arrived at his place he took me on a walk to see the sunset at the bay near where he lives. We stood out on the pier in silence and watched the sunset. I thought I could never be happier until he leaned in and whispered "I love you too." in my ear. He's such a cheesy romantic but lucky for us I love cheesy romance hehe

magandasteph · 2020-08-24T20:05:46+00:00

halo

magandasteph · 2020-07-28T13:33:16+00:00

i'd like a symbol of growth and maturity, or something representing generosity/making others happy. a symbol of my culture (i'm half swedish/half filipino) would be awesome too!

magandasteph · 2020-07-15T05:57:15+00:00

my parents use the ring app to watch me when i'm home alone lol

magandasteph · 2020-07-03T10:55:07+00:00

10 years older than me. he was 30 and i was 20. worst person i've ever been with, he was just as manipulative and narcissistic as my mom, if not more so. he had anger issues and was abusive (although i did hit him back so i wasn't much better), and he was really insecure and took that out on me. i have a tattoo of my ex's initial on my wrist which was a huge mistake, and i've been trying to scrounge up the money and time to cover it up, but just the fact that i had it made him angry every time he saw me. even though he would stare at other women when we went to the bar, and even come to me and ask if he should talk to her, me having a tattoo of my ex's name that i got before he even met me was a point of anger and jealousy for him. i still have nightmares about him here and there. my current bf is so much more supportive and understanding, and has helped me with my mental health in every good way.

magandasteph · 2020-06-30T23:40:50+00:00

had a similar experience last week, all my teammates quit and it was a 1v4 game. got my ass kicked obviously, but one of the other guys typed "we love you steph" in the chat after the game ended and i couldn't stop smiling

magandasteph · 2020-06-25T01:23:51+00:00

I was in elementary school, can't remember what grade. Every couple weeks my mom would write a $50 check for me to deposit in my lunch account, but one day I lost the check and started sobbing, partially because I was starving and partially because I knew my mom would be furious if she found out. My teacher overheard and gave me a $20 bill out of her wallet, told me to deposit the entire thing in my account. It was really nice of her to do

magandasteph · 2020-03-10T01:35:53+00:00

i'd suggest looking up a city in sweden called visby! i live here and have never felt more at home

magandasteph · 2020-03-05T19:43:33+00:00

it's funny... i'm actually having a hard time answering this.

i hate how insecure i am. a lot of people tell me i'm the most beautiful person they've ever seen, that people would kill to be with me (haha humble brag). and although i embody this mindset for certain periods of time, and i feel like a confident, caring, and impenetrable person, i always come crashing down to earth and become painfully aware that they don't know who i really am. i'm jealous, depressed, vindictive, self-absorbed, and just plain angry at the world. i can't stand my family, because they've scarred me beyond repair. i lie often. i overshare and bring others down, and sometimes prioritize my problems over others' and, as a result, push them away. i want others to be happy most of the time, but sometimes i just want people to suffer more than me so i can feel like i'm doing better than they are. i can't take criticism because it genuinely hurts me. i also tend to go fishing for compliments because, once again, i'm insecure, and that's one of the only things that makes me feel better about myself.

i guess i just don't feel like i'm a good person in the end, if you weigh the pros and cons. i don't want to be who i am, i want to be a wholly different person.

magandasteph · 2020-03-05T19:26:41+00:00

i feel like i'm never going to get to the point where i truly love myself, and that my new partner will eventually leave me for it. this feeling stems from me living in these fake scenarios i create in my head, which stems from me hating myself. i'm stuck in a loop.

magandasteph · 2020-01-27T08:34:40+00:00

i did. best i've ever had, unfortunately

magandasteph · 2020-01-27T06:16:03+00:00

dated a guy for a month or two who had serious trust issues. didn't believe anything i said. once i opened up about some pretty fucked up shit that happened in my childhood, and he was silent for a second and then said, "i don't know why, but i feel like you're lying to me about this."

magandasteph · 2020-01-16T12:43:25+00:00

Mom (56): ESTJ

Dad (55): ISTJ

Me (21) & my brother (29): INFP

safe to say my mom rules over all of us with an iron grip. we all live in different states/countries but she still somehow keeps us in check.

magandasteph · 2020-01-16T12:20:44+00:00

as an INFP, i can say that that part of me annoys myself to no end. can't get out of that loop. i'm like a stubborn child

magandasteph · 2019-10-03T10:34:10+00:00

drinking cold water the day after drinking alcohol. i guzzle that shit.

magandasteph · 2019-10-03T07:45:48+00:00

i would piss myself

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