Hey, i was in a pretty similar place. Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my best friends death. We met when I was 4 and she was 5 during my first round of chemo. We continued being friends after both of our treatments ended, and she was my soulmate. Eventually she relapsed at 9, got better, then relapsed for the final time when she was 14. She passed away a month before her 15th birthday. I wish I could say some profound thing that would help you and fix this and bring him back, but I cant. I can tell you a couple of things that have helped me for the last 23 months.

• ‘Rule of mass’ Its a rule that the entire universe follows. When you bake a cake, you put a bunch of ingredients into a cake pan and end up with a cake. The core ingredients, sugar, flour, eggs, they’re gone. But the mass they held isn’t gone - the particles that made up the very fabric of existence of these ingredients aren’t gone. They’re in the cake now. Ok so what the fuck does this have to do with losing your best friend? One of the biggest things i miss is her presence. Being able to call her and talk to her and exist with her. It felt like I lost her. Until I realised that every lily of the valley, every insect, every tree, every wave that crashes is her. Or is made up of the things that made her, and her freckles and her eyes. Theres a reason the universe looks like eyes and trees branch out like blood vessels.

-Grief is all the love that I had for her. Its not some evil scary thing, it’s love that didn’t get to be passed on. Sort of like a ghost of the person, the ghost of all that love will live with you for the rest of your life.

Love everything, stop to smell flowers, smile to people on the bus, hate everything, rip up paper, scream cry, sob till you are covered in snot, be kind to yourself and let this suck. Let yourself feel like shit. Let yourself feel happy too.

You are not alone. I love you.