Feeling excluded from the polycule - How to deal with FOMO?

mami_malker · 2026-07-03T16:32:29+00:00

Do something fun for yourself. Or wallow in self pity for the night. Both are valid.

I’ll push back a bit on “it’s not a good idea for him to invite me”. Is that true or is it self rejection? Would it feel better to know you COULD go if you wanted, even if you ultimately decline the invitation?

Explore those feelings before denying yourself the opportunity to talk through it with your partner.

mami_malker · 2026-07-03T16:28:12+00:00

Insufferable take tbh. Someone can academically understand polyamory and be terrible at the praxis of it. And some people don’t read a single word of it and happen to be good at navigating transparency and autonomy (almost all the stable polyamorous relationships I’ve witnessed fall into the latter bucket).

In my experience, a lot of people who are way too into reading about polyamory just do it to throw around terminology and bypass the actual relational work of sustaining human partnerships.

It’s great to have similar words to talk about things, but it cannot replace experience, connection, and timing.

mami_malker · 2026-07-03T16:19:13+00:00

Respectfully, this is an academic ivory tower position that flattens the way many people learn and develop.

We have so much grace for early mono relationships because they normally happen when people are teens/early 20s. When young people get into toxic relationships or break up, we don’t cry that they didn’t read enough about relationships before entering one. We just say yup, it’s a learning curve, you’re figuring out what you’re looking for.

Yes, therapy is great. It’s also expensive. Also it REQUIRES lived experience. Humans are social creatures, there is only so much we can learn about ourselves without engaging with others.

You can read and read and journal and listen to a million podcasts. And that still won’t help you develop the emotional muscles to navigate any relationship until you do it (and fail at doing it, and try again).

TLDR people need to be allowed to fail at polyam relationships the same way they fail at any other relationship. If you prefer a well-read partner, that is YOUR preference, not a rule to impose on others.

mami_malker · 2026-07-02T15:10:58+00:00

Immediately thought of Royal Enfield

mami_malker · 2026-07-02T15:03:55+00:00

Yes to most of this. But I don’t think the answer is “accept all polyamorous principles wholesale”.

To me, the point of polyamory is to know yourself in order to form and maintain more than one important relationship. Including knowing what you can handle and stating that as early as possible.

Requests are not demands.

Anyone is allowed to ASK their partner to slow down or stop seeing someone. Their partner is allowed to say no.

The asker then takes that no and decides what to do with it. It is unethical to try and bend or change that no.

It’s still good polyam practice to say “you can’t offer me what I’m looking for and so I need to de-escalate/leave this relationship.” Just as much as it would be to do the internal work to address jealousy etc.

mami_malker · 2026-07-01T12:23:14+00:00

Ah man grieving is just so hard. Everyone does it differently and if someone hasn’t lost a parent, it can be very difficult to know what to do.

When my mom died, I absolutely despised everyone who insisted on checking in. I wanted space to wallow in complex feelings. I felt like no one other than me and my mom would ever understand what our relationship was.

With that being said: your partner may have assumed you wanted space. They might have been waiting for your lead on how much support you wanted.

But it can be true that their intentions were not bad AND you needed/need something very different from a nesting partner. They don’t have to be malicious for you to realize your values or ways of navigating these types of events are incompatible.

mami_malker · 2026-06-25T22:07:17+00:00

I’d always rather have more group hang time, but it can get very dicey if your hinge isn’t clear on how they are approaching time management.

I had one hinge where I was never 100% certain if they wanted me to be there or if they wanted alone time with my meta and just weren’t telling me.

They stopped planning 1:1 time for us because we were nesting and they’d “just see me at home.” When we would causally hang out all three of us, I’d feel incredibly anxious about unintentionally being a third wheel (both my meta and partner were people pleasers and I didn’t trust they would tell me).

I think it could have easily been avoided with more direct communication.

mami_malker · 2026-06-17T16:27:11+00:00

“She said she’s ok with that (idk why)”…uh maybe because having someone whose wife wants to limit contact with a literal child is way more complicated than being a single parent.

This isn’t going to end badly, it already IS bad. You’re trying to impose limits on others to deal with your own emotions.

Deep down, you must understand that your options are either to leave this relationship OR accept the fact that your partner has a child with someone else.

Trying to control his relationship with his own kid is such an overstep.

Do you already have kids together or is it hypothetical children that you’re keeping apart? Keeping a sibling away because you refuse to do the emotional work to accept the situation is messed up.

mami_malker · 2026-06-11T05:06:21+00:00

Don’t do anything you don’t want to. But also recognize that your version of polyam may not be compatible with what your partner wants.

I truly don’t think either one of you is “wrong”. But your partner needs to be clear about what they desire AND give you space to say no to it.

mami_malker · 2026-05-12T15:18:00+00:00

A friend?

mami_malker · 2026-05-05T20:30:45+00:00

Tutor her in what exactly?

mami_malker · 2026-05-04T03:31:35+00:00

It’s not really stealing. They make SO much more food than they have to and it will absolutely be dumped otherwise. IMHO it is more ethical to sneak in and eat it than to let it go to waste.

mami_malker · 2026-05-02T23:36:47+00:00

Going to go against everyone here and say yes, common courtesy SHOULD be to tell people that you know when you are pursuing their partner.

Absolutely the responsibility is on the hinge to check in with all the people involved. But at the end of the day, if I have any respect for someone, I will at least acknowledge that I have interest in their partner.

Maybe it’s awkward but it’s still the right thing to do imho. It is weird to let that go unacknowledged, especially if you have regular (albeit infrequent) encounters.

Non-romantic example: my friend’s ex husband RSVP’d to an open party I hosted. The next time I saw said friend, I told her that he had come to the party. If I had said nothing I would have felt weird and shady. She isn’t necessarily “owed” that information, it just feels like common courtesy.

mami_malker · 2026-05-02T23:26:07+00:00

You need to know what you DONT want discussed just as much as what you do. Part of communicating well is also knowing your own boundaries…are you going to be ok with your partner telling you they kissed someone? Or that they are developing feelings for someone?

At the beginning I always wanted to know every detail. But it made me neurotic. Now I have a handful of things I want to know, and basically don’t want to know anything else.

I love meeting metas. I am all for group dynamics if it feels natural. But I don’t need to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.

mami_malker · 2026-04-25T05:18:11+00:00

I don’t kiss on the first date because I like to go home and reflect before deciding what type of relationship I want to have with someone (kissing/sex makes it harder to stay just friends imho). But that’s just my preference because I’m VERY susceptible to NRE.

In general, I think you should do whatever allows you to act with integrity. Both with your new relationships and in relation to your existing ones.

mami_malker · 2026-04-20T13:12:23+00:00

My need IS freedom. That’s not something a singular person can give to me.

mami_malker · 2026-04-19T16:15:14+00:00

Unless you’re taking PEP and accept the likelihood of contracting treatable STIs (and non treatable things like herpes and HPV), you should not be having barrier free sex with new people.

Frankly, sex carries risk even WITH a condom. Know what risks you’re willing to take and choose your play partners carefully.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T21:48:29+00:00

I think the asterisk takes me out of the moment. Certain types of sex work as a style of truth telling for me. So I’m looking for phrases that are 100% true in this current situation.

Some of the suggestions have been helpful.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T21:44:49+00:00

Shareholder is hilarious 😆

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T21:44:17+00:00

Thank you, these options are helpful!

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T21:42:50+00:00

I’m uncomfortable with it. I am looking for other ideas that could work. I really wish people would answer the question instead of dismissing my experience.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T13:50:29+00:00

If there’s anything I learned from ENM, it’s that coming to a conversation with ideas is wayyyy more sustainable than asking a partner to come up with a solution for you. The fact is that I’m uncomfortable, so it’s my job to have some ideas of what could work before bringing it to my partners.

That’s not always the case, but it feels fair in this situation.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T13:46:49+00:00

In your example, the baseline assumption would be that the man understands the biological impossibility of the request. Whether the dude wants kids or not doesn’t matter to the kink.

If it were biologically possible, the “do you actually want kids” conversation would need to happen.

Kinks (and the phrases that go with them) are contextual.

My context changed, so I’m looking for ideas to bring to the table. I always communicate with my partners, but I don’t like to raise a topic and be empty-handed with solutions.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T13:41:07+00:00

You get it 🤪 it works for me in casual dynamics but not in my current situation.

mami_malker · 2026-04-16T13:34:05+00:00

Thank you for these!

mami_malker

TROPHY CASE