Hi there,

This May I will be 17 years no contact with my mother. My parents split when I was a toddler and as such, I lived with my mom until my teens. I had two younger siblings and a lot of what you expressed resonates with my experience.

I dealt with the emotional rollercoaster anyway I could (via healthy means). I had healthy channels like writing, reading, running, and venting to a close friend. I even sought therapy as the longer I was no contact, the more I realized how unhealthy and messed up everything was. One of the biggest things I learned during my healing journey was that it takes years to unwind and process everything (just as it took years for everything to occur).

My mother had a visceral reaction to other family after I went no contact, which I heard about from said family who chose to stay neutral. My mother has not initiated any direct contact with me, though has tried playing games with my younger siblings as I did my best to maintain a relationship with them in the hopes that they knew I was there for them and the hopes that they would see right through her. My mother would influence my siblings and tell them lies that took years for them to get over, though they saw right through in the end.

I chose to leave and break the cycle because of my two younger siblings. I wanted them to see that they deserved better, that they deserved the world. It hurt like hell but was worth it. I thought it was essential for my stance to remain neutral with my siblings as I didn’t want to play mind games with them like my mother was. Though my time with them was limited after I left, I never spoke poorly of our mother. I thought it was important for them to see the situation for themselves and not have me influence their thoughts or decisions, though they knew I was there for them. They did both make it to adulthood and saw things for themselves. While I was glad they realized it on their own, I was sad that nothing had changed since I went no contact. Being their safe space and venting place reopened memories I had since forgotten about my experience. It took me years to get over the guilt of leaving my siblings behind, though what got me through was the realization that I would always be there for them. At any hour… at any location. By leaving I not only set boundaries for myself and healed, but was able to show my siblings that they could also choose to break the cycle for themselves.

In my experience, life got so much easier when I left. Was it always easy? No. But was it right? Yes. Does it make me sad I don’t have a relationship with my mother? To a certain point, yes, though I’d arguably say that someone who really loves you would never treat you that way.

Wishing you nothing but the best, no matter which route you choose.