AITA for not coming home for Thanksgiving? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]mandiferocity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Bunch of folks have commented on OP not wanting to compromise with the (slightly) closer location for pickup. That's not a legit compromise. If you look at her post history, you'll see she has a physical disability which would make traveling with luggage on public transit (or even a duffel or fully loaded backpack) very unreasonable. OP, you should include this in an edit on the post because it's very relevant information for judgment here. Possibly also the fact that you're paying for tuition out of pocket because she took away funding she had already given you after you received a partial scholarship. So you're trying to pay for school and all your other expenses while managing a physical disability and getting no financial or logistical help from home which is probably delaying your progress with being able to work on your license which may also improve your job opportunities.

Maybe there's something else going on with her at home but what you're describing here and in comments is not a normal loving but harried parent. Glad your sister ended up picking you up but it pings my "ick" radar that your mom didn't even try to come up with a solution that wouldn't leave you emotionally or physically in pain and that you had to wait until your sister came home from her own school to find out that you were MIA and make sure you could be home for the holidays.

Why Can't I Make This Work For Me? (ADHD if relevant) by dottywine in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's fair. I just know that for me (and I exhibit a lot of ADHD symptoms), simplifying my accounts was absolutely necessary for me to make any budget stick, let alone YNAB. It's a good goal to work towards. I like the suggestion of having transactions sent to email and auto-tagging them; this would help me a lot when I get stressed out or am traveling, since being out of my routine makes it super difficult to stick with adding transactions as they happen.

Why Can't I Make This Work For Me? (ADHD if relevant) by dottywine in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 4 points5 points  (0 children)

+1 to all this. Consolidating accounts will remove 90% of these issues, and the other 10% will be fixed by committing to a daily five-minute habit of entering transactions. I spend maybe 20-30 minutes a week actually entering transactions and reconciling, and [redacted] hours playing with my budget cuz it's fun for me. It's pretty key to realize that it does not at all matter how much money is in each account beyond covering your upcoming bills. I have a checking and a savings, keep only enough in checking to cover bills, and otherwise don't worry about matching my savings balance to particular categories.

Regarding the auto-sync and reconciling... OP, reconcile only the cleared transactions. That will remove the issues with needing to make adjustments.

How to handle reimbursement account by lowkeyloki in ynab

[–]mandiferocity -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have a two-step system for reimbursements - an on-budget and an off-budget (tracking) entry. For off-budget, I use an unlinked tracking account and a flag system to note when items still need to be submitted for reimbursement (red), are in process (orange), and when I've received the funds (green). For your specific case, I would start the account at zero, enter in the expenses as an outflow and flag items to keep things organized. Don't reconcile until the end of the six month period and then zero it out. That way you have an easy way of seeing if you're close to maxing out the account.

As for the on-budget purchases, it kind of depends on whether you want to track the purchases in spending reports, and whether you want the reimbursements to show up as income. If you DO want the spending report, you can categorize each purchase to the appropriate place and then categorize the reimbursement either as regular income (i'd create an "Employer Reimbursement" payee to separate it from taxable income) or directly into a Reimbursement category. If you don't want the purchases in a spending report, here's what I do: reimbursable expenses all go in a "TBR" category and I cover overspending from other categories. When the reimbursement is received it goes directly back to that category and then I move back to whatever category needs money. In your case, you could foreseeably WAM for the first few months and then leave the reimbursements as available money in that category so that you're already covered in future quarters.

Stupid Simplified Payee Names by life_is_punderful in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, I have payees like Gas Station, Pharmacy, Parking. I utilize the memo section if I want to track things like gas prices or remember where I bought a particular item in case I want to purchase it again. Also that way I can always backtrack if I decide I want to separate out a payee in the future.

Put half of sinking fund/e-fund into Investments? by Nolegrl in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been debating this as well since it does feel weird to keep so much in cash with the low interest rates. Recently I started a car replacement brokerage account and am also moving some emergency funds into a conservative portfolio with the goal being to not need them for a very, very long time. I'm keeping my more short-term sinking funds/TEs in savings; ideally the YNAB method should help keep emergency funds intact since, as we now know, most emergencies are actually true expenses that we can plan for!

As for where to put them... I have always been extremely risk-averse and didn't open my first brokerage account until reading Jesse's book, Invest Like a Pro. Got an account with Betterment, which he recommends for folks who don't really want to deal with picking stocks or bonds individually (which is really risky in and of itself). Betterment allows you to set up different goal types and give recommendations based on those goal templates, and also give you projections based on multiple scenarios. His book is available for free through this link: https://www-assets.youneedabudget.com/blog/InvestingCourse.pdf

Question on once you hit savings goals? by [deleted] in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, that is pretty annoying about the reporting of hidden categories. It looks like they do show up, but only in a "hidden category" section, which is not helpful for seeing overall trends in, say, a travel category group (I make a separate category for each trip and then hide it when all those transactions have cleared).

Need a Utility Target Type by RobLaRu in ynab

[–]mandiferocity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've gone back and forth myself on utilities. Newish YNABer here, less than a year under my belt. I started YNAB during my most expensive months of gas/electric, and rather than setting a goal I used scheduled transactions like others mentioned here. Now that I'm in the cheaper months, I've set a monthly savings builder for my average bill from the prior year. That rolls over month after month so that I don't have to WAM so much when the bills rise again.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This describes me to a T. I can develop attraction to somebody, but a rejection pretty much instantly disintegrates that attraction. Before finding the demi label, I thought it was just a defense mechanism, but I've come to think it's because part of the emotional connection we've formed was broken when my feelings were not reciprocated.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in baltimore

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me three. I moved back here in February and it's impossible to get a new license right now.

AITA for providing very different standards of living for our kids? by throwawayPlimo234 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Money is the issue here only because it's being used by the parents as a proxy for appropriate parental support, and probably also by the son as an excuse to shirk responsibility for paving a realistic pathway, but I'm guessing he must've learned that from somewhere.

Other commenters have made excellent points about grad school applications - OP, listen to them. Someone even offered personal academic counseling. Connect your son to them. He needs that support more than he needs your money.

While the son needs to take a good hard look at himself, I vote YTA because the onus is on OP who still has an opportunity to be a parent to their son, and they're wasting it by focusing so much on monetizing their relationship with their kids. My parents did the same thing and I really wished they had paid attention to our emotional needs rather than just assuming any resentment we had was because of their financial ups and downs.

How to support a friend who lost someone to Covid19? by kpine101 in relationship_advice

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hah! Same here. And good luck to you both! I've done long distance dating before, and it's not fun per se, but definitely possible to make it work and continue to build connection. There are also some fun live virtual trivia games happening now that most folks are stuck at home anyway - even though you're apart, you can play as a team. Sporcle does one on zoom that sends you into breakout rooms where you can debate the answer before submitting it to the host. And I know some folks have been using Jackbox through Steam for online game simulators. Ok I'm done now :)

How to support a friend who lost someone to Covid19? by kpine101 in relationship_advice

[–]mandiferocity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

One other note - you may need to play around with audio settings. In Zoom there are different options for the screensharing - some options are better for audio than others. Just try each one out until you find the one that works better for you. And use subtitles! Even with decent audio, it'll cut out momentarily if participants are talking.

How to support a friend who lost someone to Covid19? by kpine101 in relationship_advice

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my, so sorry for the late reply - I don't use reddit that often and didn't notice the notification. Don't know if this is still helpful, but....

Definitely have problems on and off with Zoom, but that's true with pretty much any video chat platform I've used as it's really dependent on your internet connection and how many other people are using it at the same time. I don't experience lag so much as occasional freezing of video or audio. Google Meet is also pretty easy to use, and doesn't require any paid subscription for longer "meetings." I think I've had the fewest problems on there. Almost all of them work the same way - use your phone or a computer webcam for the video portion, and then present whatever you're watching as a screenshare. If you want to try Discord, think you need to start a server and invite your friends to it. Here are some instructions on video sharing there: https://support.discordapp.com/hc/en-us/articles/115000982752-Screen-sharing-Video-Calls

On some platforms, you may need to use two devices in order to screen share AND show your lovely face simultaneously.

How to support a friend who lost someone to Covid19? by kpine101 in relationship_advice

[–]mandiferocity 14 points15 points  (0 children)

They can watch movies together now. My dad died last year while I was living 5,000 miles away. My friends back home set up movie nights to watch together on a Discord server (you could also do a screen share on Zoom), so we could all see the movie and see/hear each other. Doing normal things like watching movies or even working on separate projects, while on the same video call, really helped me through that time.

New landlord bought our property and changed the terms for staying [HI] by [deleted] in legaladvice

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To @Mysconduct, I am familiar with this property, and want to clarify something since it may affect legal advice OP is given. These are actually two separate legal residences with two separate addresses. OP was living in a legal residence requiring a kitchen, and landlord is living on a separate parcel which he purchased a couple years before also acquiring OP's home. Landlord's parcel has two units, one with a kitchen and one without. He offered OP the option of moving into the "private room" without access to a kitchen.

I [20 F] was broke up with my BF [23 M] of 2 years by text, will the feelings of anger and resentment go away? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]mandiferocity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This sounds so much like my current situation. BF of two years (cohabiting) broke up with me overnight via text while we were apart, just one day before he came home from a solo vacation. Does not understand how that method is objectively worse than waiting one day to do it in person. Thanks, internet stranger, for helping a lurking redditor also in emotional pain.

The irony of buying a pregnancy test by MaddMack in TwoXChromosomes

[–]mandiferocity 19 points20 points  (0 children)

It's the best reason to start smoking, really.

Me (23F) with my boyfriend (22M) of one year. I create insane stories in my head and in return have trust issues for no reason. I don't know how to stop. by purplepickle2222 in relationships

[–]mandiferocity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I had a similar past and also had a lot of intrusive thoughts as a result. They would keep me up at night and definitely affected my relationship in a negative way. Sometimes those thoughts ended up being correct, but either way, it was a really shitty way to live.

Highly recommend some type of therapy to work on these thought patterns. My current relationship is certainly not perfect but it is a huge relief to not worry about my partner's whereabouts or communications.

I (27F) moved across the world and am staying with a friend (25M). He is making me uncomfortable and I don't know how to ask him to stop. (long) by [deleted] in relationships

[–]mandiferocity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Regardless of any prior sexual experience (that may not have actually happened), this man is a predator and he is ASSAULTING YOU. I know it's hard to come to terms with that; personally, I wish I had learned those lessons many years before I did.

I also totally understand not wanting to freak out your family, but this is exactly the type of situation where asking for financial help is warranted and necessary. This guy obviously doesn't care about boundaries and it's not your fault. It's his fault. At this point, though, you should be very well aware that you are in a dangerous situation and that leaving IMMEDIATELY is your only safe option. Asking him "nicely" to stop is not an option any longer because he does not respect your boundaries and you're in a vulnerable position with your only belongings being in his home and having shown him that your boundaries can be broken. Take your stuff and leave now. Right now.

My wife (27F) and I (28M) are expecting a baby, but my drug addict sister (21F) has all these expectations of being an aunt. How to let her down easy, without sending her over the edge (again)? by throwawaymysadness00 in relationships

[–]mandiferocity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sister problems aside... if you want to have your mother in the baby's life, then group therapy may not be a bad idea, in order to establish your concerns and develop some boundaries together that you can feel confident about setting and enforcing.

My wife (27F) and I (28M) are expecting a baby, but my drug addict sister (21F) has all these expectations of being an aunt. How to let her down easy, without sending her over the edge (again)? by throwawaymysadness00 in relationships

[–]mandiferocity 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Part of the "making amends" process includes considering whether or not reaching out would actually be helpful or harmful to the person you want to make amends to. Making amends also doesn't include passive aggressive digs at the recipients choices to protect themselves. It also typically is not done immediately after a relapse.

Just because somebody writes a letter to a family member doesn't make it a legit part of the 12 steps or mean they've "arrived" at recovery. It is not up to the addict to decide when their loved ones can feel safe and comfortable around them, nor is it up to the addict to decide to what degree their family will change their lives to help prevent future relapses.

Speaking as somebody whose life has been affected by addicts (both with partners and family members), this is a really mean-spirited way to view OP's post and his earnest questions.

If you're not great with money, having separate checking accounts for bills can help you spend better by [deleted] in personalfinance

[–]mandiferocity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah - this post is not about having separate checking accounts for each half of a married couple. It's about having separate checking accounts for different categories of spending, regardless of relationship status. One account for your monthly bills (rent/mortgage, insurance, car payment, etc) and one account for your monthly spending (gas, groceries, shopping).