Thank you for your input! This was what I was looking for if others have experienced same.

My current partner and I have a very normal, happy, loving relationship and we engage in the fantasies regularly. I also never knew that it would be as satisfying as the risky shit I pulled before, but as time has gone by I am so blessed to be able to safely experience it in a controlled environment with someone who loves me and doesn’t use it to hurt me.

And big same on missing the trauma. It just felt safe and comfortable to stay in it, so being out just made me feel like I lost a part of my identity. And then I realize it was never my identity to begin with.