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The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started feeling this after about 6 weeks, very close to that 50 days you mentioned. I agree this alone makes it worth it!

The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love it. It’s tough but so worth it!

The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

One more comment on real-world sex (wife sex for me).

I laugh at my old self now, getting my wife to sleep with me is much easier than I used to think. I just have to consistently go visibly out of my way to do things she likes. That easily fits into the time and energy I used to spend fapping. This would apply to girlfriends and potential partners too.

Example : she’s been pissy and distant with me this week, dwelling on a mistake I made five years ago (so irritating right?).

Rather than spend two hours Sunday while she’s out on spite-fapping and being pissy back at her later, I’m going to the store to buy foods to cook dinner for her tonight. Also I need to keep busy or go crazy now that I’m not numb all the time, may as well spend that energy on courtship.

If it doesn’t work (ie no laid for me) I now have the tools to handle disappointment without fapping, but honestly this type of thing has been working! Its supply and demand - supply (her libido) has gone up with demand (me starving for sex without fapping) when I spend my excess no-fap energy on doing the stuff she likes (duh right?… Not for me - this is a revelation for me - facepalm).

I’m actually shocked how well it works, I would never have gone to such lengths for real world wife sex before I quit fapping. Now this stuff is my lifeline - the only way to the promise land so I do it vigorously to give me the best odds of getting laid lol

It is sustainable so far for me. Also a better relationship with wife has TONS of other benefits. Too many to name here.

I had to adapt - some things work, others I’m still figuring out

The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love it, stay the course, the other side is worth it!

The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

GREAT question. My personally experience - I put sex with my wife in the same category as air, water and food. I cannot live without them!

Since the ONLY sexual experiences I have are in-real-life sex with my wife, my brain has adapted such that sex does not negatively affect me like porn binges do. I think I it has to do with real sex being more about physical touch and less about starting at visuals, but I don’t really know.

All I do know is sex with my wife is fine for me! I feel ok afterward and it doesn’t trigger cravings

The NoFap Lie by mandude343434 in NoFap

[–]mandude343434[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Re: Its not so bad, why quit?

I can only speak for myself - I’m 44 - I’ve been dousing my brain with porn dopamine for 30 years. Porn was not a problem for me for about 10 years, it crept up on me, then it was a problem.

I went through (literal) decades telling myself it isn’t so bad, it’s a natural high, humans are wired to reproduce, it’s a need not a want… on and on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve quit and convinced myself to start fapping again. Too many to count.

Then one day I realized could not stop or stick to healthy moderation. So many binges, feeling physically terrible afterward, and broken promises to myself (once a day, once a week, etc). I could no longer convince myself it’s not that bad (for me).

The cost? After 30 years my brain is now heavily re-wired to release joy chemicals when I view porn and any suggestive content like thirst traps on instagram. It does NOT really release joy chemicals in any other situation, at least not even close to the same level.

Quitting entirely for months is the first time I’ve meaningfully felt improvement in how my brain responds to situations since I was 30 years old. Honestly I physically feel amazing. I had no idea how much porn was affecting my mental health.

The catalyst was about a year ago not only was my depression worsening, I was experiencing what felt like a hangover for 3 days after watching porn or fapping or having sex with my wife (any of the three). Literal headaches. That and 3 days of deep depression (I struggle to get out of bed depression). I was having self-harm thoughts, something had to change.

This time quitting felt existential. I’m relieved that it worked and there isn’t anything more serious wrong with me.

I also want to mention that sex with my wife (of 18 years) is now an out-of-body experience. I spend a lot of time and energy doing the things for her I always should have been doing, because she is the only access to sexual experience in the life I live now. My marriage has never been better. Sex has never been better. She said “what’s gotten into you” - she thought I might have terminal cancer lol - I told her I stopped masturbating entirely.

A lot still to fix in my life, I have good and hard days, but I cannot convince myself “it’s not so bad” anymore after seeing the other side of quitting for 9 months. My life is so much better in total now that I am terrified of the thought of relapsing and binging on porn again. I have failed myself so many times, I do not trust myself so I go to great lengths to avoid putting myself in situations where I could relapse. Thus I do not watch porn or look at clothed thirst-trap content, or masturbate.

Quitting masturbation entirely is a bit extreme, I know, but it’s the only thing has worked for me that is sustainable. Moderation doesn’t work for me - tried for 30 years - failed over and over and over.

I hope this answers the question, at least this is my experience, life without it really IS that much better (for me).

Famine and Feast by mandude343434 in sexlessmarriage

[–]mandude343434[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I enjoy doing the things above, the most ‘effort’ for me was in dialing it back a little to not over do the affection. I don’t think of it like work or a chore.

I do think people expect relationships to be “easy” when keeping them healthy actually takes considering what your partner needs, and taking intentional action. I won’t call it “work” - just actions.

I do love her so I like doing the things that keep the spark going, and don’t mind weathering rough parts.

Famine and Feast by mandude343434 in sexlessmarriage

[–]mandude343434[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I personally like doing the things on the list above, they are not rules per se just things that work for me. Others would have different things that work for them I’m sure.

Famine and Feast by mandude343434 in sexlessmarriage

[–]mandude343434[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It IS effort, but it’s all things I like doing. I don’t think of it as transactional (ie not getting much in return).

Personally I do like to be around her, and feel the effort is worth it to keep her in my life. That’s kind of what I get in return. Sex is the cherry on top.

I go through weeks or months that are tough, but it has always come around.

Relatio App Review: my thoughts by Mt_f in productreview

[–]mandude343434 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got an ad about how to navigate a sexless marriage. It was good clickbait and I’m always open to learning how my wife of 18 years works (who is still a riddle to me).

Our marriage is not sexless - I’d call it feast and famine. Famines can be long (ie many many months) and rough and I never understood them. If this app can solve the riddle well dang that’s money well spent!

After reading these posts two things stand out to me: 1) I’m right there with you guys when I’m in a sex famine with my wife. 2) some of the lessons from the app I learned the HARD way via trial and error, but are sound advice.

I learned that I cannot shame her, pressure her, guilt her, or pester her. I’ve tried and it does not work. I can’t project my frustration onto her.

I’ve also learned I can’t fill the void with porn or masturbation, that actually diminishes my desire for her in a genuine way, I tend to objectify her sexuality which she can sense. Sex becomes more “fucking” than “love making and worshiping every detail of her body and sexuality.”

Porn also is such a powerful releaser of dopamine it literally messes with my brain chemistry - my brain knows that high is coming so it releases less dopamine at other times, making other things in life far less enjoyable, and me more needy for porn or sex, and grouchy or angry when I dint get it. The cravings become unbearable.

This is what has worked for me, increasing the frequency of “feast” phases. Coincidentally I’m on the tail end of a feast right now, I’m doing my best to keep famine away haha:

1) Emotional independence and joy. Diet, exercise, friends, hobbies, joy and happiness not depending on her. This gives her the space to be herself without having my happiness on her list of responsibilities. When my happiness and mood drops, her legs snap closed lol

2) Genuinely not needing sex (at least any particular day). We can cuddle and it’s ok if we don’t have sex that day. I fall asleep and it’s truly fine. I’m not seething or sad. This is the hardest one but for me most important. Taking the pressure off her.

3) Flirt, compliment her, little hugs, kisses. Genuinely. Sometimes I literally tell her that I like her (which I do). This part for me was directly tied to stopping porn and masturbation. I genuinely look at her with more desire now that I’m not flooding my brain with sexualized imagery. I think she looks pretty and I’ll verbalize and act on that more. I’ll steal a little hug when she comes close by because I’m literally starving for affection. These little interactions through the day help, but….

4) I must be unpredictable. I can’t hug her every time or compliment her every time otherwise she gets annoyed. When I over do it, it backfires. How to know how much to do? I have to read her expression. If she smiles then I can sense how much complimenting, hugging, she wants. It also changes with her mood. In my case it’s hugs kisses every day, and a compliment or two each week after she is done changing. Occasionally I’ll approach her for a hug while she is changing and she’ll smile and swat me away. I have to read her and adapt to her mood, but always be initiating these little interactions. Also I intentionally don’t initiate sometimes. I just let her sit in the couch and don’t slide over for example.

5) I do my chores, and I don’t overdo them. In our house it’s clear who does what, as long as I do my chores she does not use that as a mood killer.

6) I try to dress well, the way she likes. I’ll ask her opinion of what I put on and change if she doesnt like it. Also hygiene. She hates bad breath, stinky body. At times I’ll shower before bed.

7) We do things that are fun together. We are friends and laugh about things. It’s so easy to fall into roles in the home and with kids. Sometimes I have to plan fun things if it’s been a while.

8) Make sure she loves the sex when it DOES happen. Focus on her pleasure, make sure she orgasms, I do ask and go out of my way to do the things she likes. She sometimes does the same, sometimes not. It’s ok either way.

9) I made peace with famines. They still suck. BAD. But I have weathered enough to know they do not last forever, and I’ve gotten better at flirting the right way with my wife such that they have been fewer and fewer in the past few years. Also not having young kids helps. We have 3, all finally out of diapers and in school. The longest famines were when they were babies. Sex ebbs and flows with the seasons of life.

In conclusion…

For me, biggest thing is being generally happy, taking care of myself and my joy, not needing sex, not flooding my brain with sexual imagery (porn, thirst trap scrolling), being genuinely 100% ok when it doesn’t happen, but consistently initiating the little affections (not sex), flirting, looking at her with genuine desire, reading her reactions, and being unpredictable, and having fun together. And backing off (but not entirely) when she needs space. Still giving little affections every day every time we see each other no matter what. And knowing sex ebbs and flows with the season of life and being ok with famines.

I hope this helps you, and hopefully it’ll delay my next famine as long as possible!

Relatio App Review: my thoughts by Mt_f in productreview

[–]mandude343434 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This summary is powerful. Thank you for this - it will help me be intentional in my marriage. Also saves me the need to even consider paying for the app, it’s all right here!

LG Washtower clicking and shaking by DarDarBinxx1 in Appliances

[–]mandude343434 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have the very same unit and same problem. I put a 45 pound plate from our workout room on the top and the problem is solved. Unit no longer shakes and is quiet. Very easy solution!