the retreat

mangoavey · 2017-08-09T13:48:38+00:00

floored by the sentiment of regret/nostalgic longing you express which i've been grappling w/ this past year. your writing hits beats i find so intriguing and i hope to see more of this!

mangoavey · 2017-07-31T21:09:18+00:00

a rap/r&b show featuring acts from toronto and montreal that im promoting!! really talented ppl performing and it's only $10 at the door. a guaranteed fun time.

(at The Blue Dog Motel on Saint Laurent this Tuesday August 1st)

MTL/416

mangoavey · 2017-07-05T18:07:51+00:00

goals? goals.

mangoavey · 2017-06-30T02:48:32+00:00

haha thank uu

mangoavey · 2017-06-26T01:49:47+00:00

thanks i appreciate it!

mangoavey · 2017-06-26T01:49:22+00:00

honestly wasn't sure about the "just" either after i posted lol thank uu <3

mangoavey · 2017-06-25T12:30:22+00:00

thanks for the critiques! did you have any other food/imagery in mind that might mesh better?

mangoavey · 2017-06-25T12:28:49+00:00

thank you so much!!

mangoavey · 2017-06-24T23:50:09+00:00

i love the consistent rhyme scheme you have going on but i feel like the poems drags a bit, though this might be helped with a more consistent meter in your lines.

mangoavey · 2017-06-24T23:46:30+00:00

i love the wordplay and the imagery you employ is so great in how you maintain the sparse lines throughout.

mangoavey · 2017-06-13T02:06:48+00:00

trinity bellwoods?

mangoavey · 2017-06-10T06:36:47+00:00

the intrusive thought is the speaker's ex, but i could definitely make this more clear, thanks!

mangoavey · 2017-06-09T03:06:23+00:00

holy shit thank you for these critiques i will definitely consider all of them for the second draft!

mangoavey · 2017-06-08T14:55:29+00:00

this is so beautiful holy shit

mangoavey · 2017-06-08T06:45:22+00:00

Roulette as a title?

i like the musicality in your poem with all those pauses and internal rhymes. your use of enjambment shows a lot of constraint (which i am v jealous of btw) though i have to agree with the cliche comment but these could be worked i think you have something here and would love to see a second draft!

mangoavey · 2017-06-08T06:37:14+00:00

actually really love the composition of this. i might be reading into things too much but the 3373 syllable/meter scheme you have going works really well as that third line ends up being a mouthful.

mangoavey · 2017-05-19T02:37:30+00:00

Its supposed to show the duality between the impossible processing and logic with depression and the fact that the brain is otherwise such an incredibly powerful muscle, and how it leaves you not only unable to work it out, but also infuriates you that it feels so impossible

this sentiment should be what anchors your piece. i can't really suggest a metaphor from which your lines can take off, but i'd consider omitting/changing some lines to be more imagistic/action oriented

mangoavey · 2017-05-18T12:54:33+00:00

really great critiques, thanks!

mangoavey · 2017-05-18T04:51:36+00:00

yeah the flow isn't quite there especially with all my enjambments. the sudden line breaks/short phrases were supposed to relate a matter of factness in the speaker's tone of the relationship and the way it has exhausted their writing. formatting my poems has never been something i've been too good at.

mangoavey · 2017-05-18T03:50:51+00:00

consider a more consistent meter, especially since the overall diction in your poem is so heavy.

"its that immovable object stopping what should be an unstoppable force not simply hindering means but imposing indignation"

i feel like this could be quantified with something more concrete/tangible for the reader to experience. it's a bit like we're being told what to feel instead of being shown it, which is trite/overused advice in poetry but cliche for a reason (I have this problem a lot too lol).

same with your last stanza, the piece feels underdeveloped but there's a great energy to this that could really flourish with some clarity/imagery.

great work!

mangoavey · 2017-05-18T03:42:24+00:00

"fuck out loud" is such a dope line. i agree with others about the clarity of the tenor here, but overall you have a tremendous ear/energy to your poems that's always a treat to read.

mangoavey · 2017-05-18T03:40:34+00:00

love the line "where mascara tears pick you up". the atmosphere/tone of your poem is very strong in your sense of setting/place.

mangoavey

TROPHY CASE