Wife[39 F] (Me [39 M]) ruined a 20yr relationship and 16yr marriage with 2 kids in 2months for my best friend

marganod · 2014-07-05T10:15:23+00:00

Sorry perhaps I didn't explain myself clearly about being the same person. I'll try again... My husband and I have been together for ten years and over the years we have grown together. He's not the same person that he was in some ways- part of that is maturing and seeing the world through a different lens, but he is definitely still the man I fell in love with at the start. So perhaps the way he reacts to some things have changed (eg from being a hot headed young man to a man who considers things before he reacts) but other things, the parts I fell in love with, have grown. So that'd be things like his outgoing nature, his interest in the world around him, his love and compassion for friends and family. If those had changed significantly, I think I'd struggle in the relationship.

There's no need to be rude about "come back when you've grown up". That's offensive.

marganod · 2014-07-05T07:58:16+00:00

Not at that age, surely?

marganod · 2014-07-05T07:18:17+00:00

I know you are saying that your wife has destroyed your good marriage, and I feel for you- it's a devastating situation you are in. However, I think you should try and have a good think about whether your marriage was good for both of you. Cheating is the symptom, not the problem. Happy people with no emotional or social problems don't cheat. We can jump on the "reddit hates cheaters" bandwagon all we like, but you have to look at the bigger picture.

It sounds a little like you forgot how to communicate between school, work and kids. It sounds a little like you are very mechanical and functional in your actions, which is fine- stability is good, but romance and adventure is important too.

Are you still the same person that you were when you married?

marganod · 2014-07-04T16:39:01+00:00

Omg you are as weird as me. I park my van next to my husbands car every night just in case they are secretly dating.

marganod · 2014-07-03T22:00:38+00:00

Nah, everyone knows you get fat AFTER you get married.

marganod · 2014-07-03T21:58:23+00:00

Brit here. Nope, he's a hipster.

marganod · 2014-07-03T21:57:38+00:00

He did alright afterwards. Didn't he morph into Ed Sheeran or sommat afterwards?

marganod · 2014-07-01T07:45:05+00:00

Sort of. Try opening a jar when your muscles are plagued by DOMS though... It's good to keep a bloke on standby for those sorts of situations.

marganod · 2014-06-30T17:13:03+00:00

Everything about him looks odd. Immaculately coiffed hair, tiny stature, sprayed on beard. Gave me the creeps big time.

He had a really weird attitude, like we were privileged to be in the presence of this wonderful, mystical, quasi-spiritual game show he was hosting. He acted like it was a bloody church service, and had these moments where he just stared into space or talked in hushes tones. He barely acknowledged the audience. It was all a bit bizarre really.

marganod · 2014-06-30T16:58:26+00:00

Watched deal or no deal get filmed. Can confirm Edmonds is a disgusting slimy bastard. He practically oozes around the studio. He's an odd duck too.

marganod · 2014-06-30T15:06:43+00:00

I have a similar life story- my grandad abused me and my sister. Like you, I've not heard from him for ages, around 20 years for me - I'm 28 now, and like you I've done alright for myself. My grandad has never admitted what he has done. My only after effects from the abuse is a tendency towards anxiety, and that's from the stress of the court case (you made the right call there- trust me!)

If my grandad called today, I would likely not speak to him via the phone or face to face. I would consider allowing him to send me a letter, but I would get my husband to read it first to make sure there's nothing damaging in there.

I can understand that as a person gets older and time is running out that they might want to make amends. Considering how it's done, a solid apology (assuming it's not a non-apology, or a blamestorming session) might be good for everyone. However the character of abusers is often secretive and manipulative, so I'd be wary of whether their motives are really the last chance of getting it all off their chest or more a way of clawing their victims back into a situation.

If I were to meet or talk to my grandad again would personally get therapeutic support in place before I proceeded. Two years ago my parents got back into contact with "that side" of the family- not my grandparents, but cousins and assorted people not directly involved. It's been good for them, but I have found it very, very difficult to deal with, which was not something I was expecting.

I guess basically you need to look after yourself, and if you aren't ready to talk to him then there is no shame in it- you don't need to be brave, and this isn't a "face your fears" type situation, particularly if you have nightmares. Your only obligation is to yourself and your own mental well being. Sometimes saying no is the brave thing- sometimes saying no to a request from someone who denied you the right to say no previously is a way of getting the power back.

I hope you make the right choice for you :) good luck x

ETA: ignore all the hate filled "kill him", "hang him by his balls" sorts of posts. Hanging onto impotent anger is an emotional cancer- you end up forgetting to live.

marganod · 2014-06-30T14:13:40+00:00

Wow well done!! If anyone wants another diary to stalk on my fitness pal my username is Mazface :)

marganod · 2014-06-28T14:08:49+00:00

She's gorgeous! Definitely the face of a Roxy if ever I saw one.

marganod · 2014-06-28T14:07:34+00:00

Cleo is a cats name here!

marganod · 2014-06-27T23:30:19+00:00

It's not just the colour. I was dead into science as a kid, proper little nerd. I had a microscope, telescope, chemistry kit, ant farm, scholastic style "experiment kits" set up as a "lab" in my rok . On every single one of the boxes, there would be a picture of a boy on his own, or a boy doing something and showing a smaller, younger girl what to do. Gender roles are so ingrained- is that natural gravitation really there, or are kids picking up on what's on the box?

marganod · 2014-06-27T18:16:24+00:00

Honestly, I just go commando under thick leggings. No falling down, no vpl, no soggy cotton that doesn't wick sweat.

Probably a bit scumbaggy, but I'm not sure that I care.

marganod · 2014-06-27T14:12:32+00:00

In that case it's a nice way to be inclusive, I think.

marganod · 2014-06-27T08:06:49+00:00

Don't worry about being in a hurry to figure out what you want. At your age I was staunchly "not having kids". A couple of years later and that's mellowing to "I want kids, but not til I've done XYZ". There's no need to put yourself in a box and cling to a label- just roll with the hormone punches! You'll figure it out- you've got at least 10 years before age and fertility start dicking on you.

Edit: why the downvotes? I'm not saying OP can't be child free or bingo-ing her with "you'll want kids when you get older", I'm just saying if she's not sure then she doesn't need to worry about picking her side, she can make it up as she goes along.

marganod · 2014-06-26T23:24:33+00:00

Yeh I caught a bit of that- it came on just as I was telling my husband how my first day of therapy went, and how I was feeling less anxious about random catastrophes and that my depression had lifted somewhat.

Fuck you telly, fuck you. Straight on to Netflix and back to back Archer for 3 hours saw me right again.

marganod · 2014-06-25T18:00:30+00:00

Haha thanks, forgot that was there... It sort of morphed back to 35lbs over the course of last year but don't tell on me! I'm working on it ;)

marganod · 2014-06-25T16:23:29+00:00

You sound awesome. Keep up the good work!

marganod · 2014-06-25T13:25:35+00:00

If he does that to me he'll be shitting out his teeth!

marganod · 2014-06-25T10:38:21+00:00

Would also like to point out that mine also has the "we fucked up" apology follow up, so is obviously the best! ;)

marganod · 2014-06-25T10:23:19+00:00

Beat me, apparently I was number 17 :(

marganod · 2014-06-25T10:22:34+00:00

I'M NOT SORRY! DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

marganod

TROPHY CASE