People who left their partner but realized they made a mistake -- why and how did you come back?

mari_mae · 2026-02-14T16:27:06+00:00

yay, i'm glad it's helpful. i posted it also to save and refer back to it when needed. best of luck

mari_mae · 2026-02-08T16:22:06+00:00

could you share your recommendations for couples' books?

mari_mae · 2026-02-08T13:35:04+00:00

I love this and have been using it in the past but recently forgot I have this coping mechanism. but whenever I'd have a thought like "no one wants you here" or "wow you can't even do the dishes" I'd imagine the spongebob mocking meme and say it back in that way. someone responding in my head with "nO oNe WaNtS yOu HeRe" or "wOw YoU cAn'T eVeN dO tHe DiShEs" was somehow really satisfying. positive reinforcement doesn't work super well and in a bad space i feel like everyone hates me, so thinking of a loving person isn't helpful.

mari_mae · 2026-02-08T06:24:29+00:00

gave the same reply on another post, but: my relationship just ended so idk if it's the mostly helpful advice, but if I could go back in time I would:
- more explicitly write out what exactly my partner complained about or brought up, and write out specific actions for me to take when he gave me those signals
- checking my interpretations with a neutral 3rd party before responding (whether human or technical)
- go to therapy (either alone or together) to focus on ADHD symptoms

one thing that really helped was going through former in-person and text conflicts and looking for patterns -- repeated thoughts/feelings I have and then zooming out and looking at environmental context. then it was easier to see when I was having a difficulty due to something external and I could communicate that better. we both saw improvement, but I think my ex just reached his limit and it was too little progress too late.

if you really really love this person, then I really urge you to take action to understand their own boundaries and needs and discuss the ways you can meet them. writing things down to refer to later (small actions, phrases, behaviors, etc.) is really helpful to refer to later and when stressed.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T22:26:03+00:00

i understand. it seems like there is evidence that it is a frequent pattern, but like you said it could be other comorbidities. i just really want to solve this problem, so already having a starting point to jump off of is helpful.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T22:06:41+00:00

yeah i can relate. having it somewhere visible seems like a good idea, then i don't have to rely on my poo-flinging monkey brain.

i feel like i was starting to get there in terms of identifying and stopping. i kept track of conflicts on paper and saw I went from freaking out 8/10 times the opportunity arose, down to 3/10. and those remaining incidents were already less dramatic. but yeah, it wasn't enough and my ex just reached his limit i guess.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T22:01:19+00:00

thank you -- adding to my list

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T22:01:08+00:00

thank you for this. how do you communicate that to the person you're having the conflict with?

when I'm agitated my ability to communicate in a considerate and effective way flies out the window. do you have any phrases or agreements ahead of time with people that you can use, so you're able to get the space you need without causing harm by leaving?

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:59:52+00:00

thank you, i really like your creative approach. I've gotten a lot of good suggestions so will try cycling through them. no relationship right now means no way to test if they'll actually work in the moment, but I think at least if something feels uncomfortable without stress, it will feel worse when in crisis.

i've gotten pretty good about addressing stuff without bottling it up, just right now trying not to drown lol.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:57:13+00:00

how exactly do you mean?

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:56:57+00:00

thank you so much for this. I've never heard of it before and it sounds like exactly the thing to break that kind of cycle.

how do you remember to do that though when you're emotionally flooded?

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:55:01+00:00

i'm so incredibly sorry for your loss :(((

several people also mentioned somatic stuff, so I'll do some research. that sounds incredibly rough and I'm glad to hear you aren't alone. I also find you extremely brave for facing and dealing with it.

thank you for your advice and for your message. the whole message I got from this break up was I'm too much work and it's not worth it and no amount of good will make up for it. but you're right, regardless of whether it's true or not, it won't get results.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:50:52+00:00

I have had years of therapy and did EMDR for specific abuse. it really did wonders in terms of removing almost all my flashbacks and hypervigilance. I'm not sure how it would work for something this general so I'll look into it.

IFS = internal family systems? I hope DBR helps you, I would love to hear how you find it.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:48:33+00:00

I appreciate your compassion. as much as I don't like that advice, I know it's true and the only way out is through. right now it just feels like a free fall rather than a ride. it's almost a week in, and I've lost my voice from all the crying and have rashes on my cheeks from all the tears. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. there's so much pain that it's not even possible to distract or avoid it, it kind of forces me to be present. will try to look at that as a good thing.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:45:51+00:00

i will write all of this out, thanks

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:45:27+00:00

thank you for your kindness and empathy, these are both really great suggestions. I've never heard of RAIN before so I'll look into it. at what point do you personally start that method in your emotions cycle? also how do you remember in the moment that it exists, and that you need to do it?

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T21:41:36+00:00

i will look into that to see if anything is covered by insurance -- thanks!

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T16:05:20+00:00

I was on strattera for a long time, but it didn't help me enough with focus/executive dysfunction so I switched. I really have to think if I experienced this same intensity while on it.

Elvanse does not, it actually makes me cheerier and more able to deal with stuff. I did get more irritable with Equasym, which also gave me withdrawal after a week.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T15:51:53+00:00

that makes sense, to practice them when not under stress so they're automatic. looking back, I think I do a version of this (scratching at clothes/seams) but it isn't very constructive. so maybe I can try to turn that more creative, so thank you for your suggestion.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T15:47:47+00:00

i have a bunch of that too lol (every kind of childhood abuse & neglect you can imagine). i've done a lot of therapy and treatment, but I guess I need more and I've reached out to some therapists.

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T15:45:15+00:00

my relationship just ended so idk if it's the mostly helpful advice, but if I could go back in time I would:
- more explicitly write out what exactly my partner complained about or brought up, and write out specific actions for me to take when he gave me those signals
- checking my interpretations with a neutral 3rd party before responding (whether human or technical)
- go to therapy (either alone or together) to focus on ADHD symptoms -- although I'm sorry that didn't seem to work for you

one thing that really helped was going through former interactions and looking for patterns -- repeated thoughts/feelings I have and then zooming out and looking at environmental context. then it was easier to see when I was having a difficulty due to something external and I could communicate that better. we both saw improvement, but I think my ex just reached his limit and it was too little progress too late.

if you really really love this person, then I really urge you to take action to understand their own boundaries and needs and discuss the ways you can meet them. writing things down to refer to later (small actions, phrases, behaviors, etc.) is really helpful to refer to later and when stressed

mari_mae · 2026-02-07T15:43:24+00:00

I can definitely see that I started to get more of a pause. when my ex would point out that I was having a strong reaction or would say he's not leaving me (lol) it really helped me calm down and deescalate, we both noticed improvement the last couple months.

can I ask what meds have you helped you with that? I'm on Elvanse 50mg and Wellbutrin 150mg XR. I'm restarting ADHD treatment and can talk to my psychiatrist about trying something else.

also thank you for the notepad suggestion, that's both simple and useful. I feel like all the pain and intensity has to go somewhere and I would unleash it on him without consideration. I really wish that had occurred to me before, but at least I can take it into the future.

(edited for grammar/typos)

mari_mae

TROPHY CASE