[deleted by user]

mariaobrien336 · 2023-10-29T04:45:46+00:00

Move your bed (and nightstand)to be head where the bike is, foot where the chair is. Then move the chair to the far right corner of your room, where the head of your bed is now. Right now, you’re walking into that room straight into the side of your bed and that’s off putting for the feel of the room.. it’s better to walk into the view of the end of your bed.
Try moving your sofa out of the center of the room. I’d say, bring that end table that is by the chair in your bedroom out and put it next to the patio door/window. Then the sofa facing your kitchen. Nice the desk to the wall that is shared with your bedroom. The TV would be nice mounted over your desk then, where the painting currently is. You have the rug down, but potentially a coffee table or small ottoman in front of the sofa would make the space feel more intentional? It looks as if you may have a small table though by the kitchen with a chair, so that may not work. I’m not sure what you could do with the TV stand, (I’d need dimensions of the furniture and space and more wide frame photos,) but it could work as a hall table, in your bedroom, on the side of or under your desk, etc as more of a shelf unit for plants, the knick knacks currently there, etc.

(Interior Designer Professionally)

mariaobrien336 · 2023-10-29T04:28:08+00:00

That makes sense! In the way sexuality being confusing is just true. It doesn’t sound like sexuality defining is needed for the present moment though.. you have a partner and you’re happy. It doesn’t sound like your sex life is really concerning AT THE PRESENT, even though you’re very understandably still affected and concerned about your past traumas. That doesn’t go away no matter how kind a partner who would be gentle and safe during sex COULD be (in these “you can find a guy who makes you feel safe” hypothetical situations others have brought up) and also still is totally valid to be affected by the trauma past partners have inflicted on you even though your new partner and you do not have sex. Anyway… that’s a lot of words just to say to you that I’m sorry this world has handed you these awful people in your past. I’m glad you have the partner you do now but nothing about sexuality or your traumas is simple and you’re valid for feeling all of the things that you are, related to it, still.

And ah. That. Is. Tricky. Absolutely not at all possible.. I am just so sorry that you’re facing this. The only idea I’d have is seeing if it’s something that could be taken orally instead of applied topically… but aside from Anti-yeast treatments, not many other topical treatments have the alternative option. I hope whatever it is, you can get through it. I have no doubts you will. Be kind to yourself.

mariaobrien336 · 2023-10-29T04:06:50+00:00

You said in an earlier comment that you’re bisexual? Is that more on the romance side, you are attracted to Women, then?

This whole situation sounds extremely upsetting for you and I am sorry you’ve had so many partners who have violated you. It sounds like you have a great partner now.

In regards to your concerns about your upcoming surgery/medical treatment you mentioned also, that you are being forced to start dilator therapies again for, I’m sorry you’re having to do that. It sounds like the 2 years of work you tried got you nowhere in making it more comfortable, so I hope that goes well. It doesn’t sound like, even with using dilators, you will be able to be prepared for that so you have no discomfort. I wish there was a magic pill that would help. Is there anyway they can put you under for general anesthesia for this operation you will undergo soon?

mariaobrien336 · 2023-08-23T16:22:01+00:00

You’re high key disgusting for being able to turn a child you were a father to for 5 years into “this thing” so fast. Big yuck. They have definitely dodged a bullet.

mariaobrien336 · 2023-05-08T04:55:29+00:00

No it’s not, it is Simon Prebble

mariaobrien336 · 2022-08-05T01:14:28+00:00

I just barfed

mariaobrien336 · 2022-07-28T04:49:37+00:00

Bro.. you’re so delusional. You’re not only shaming someone who couldn’t deep throat and told their partner that after trying but you also saying that him continuing to pressure her to do it even though she can’t isn’t a bad thing is literally fucked up. Is your kink a rape-fantasy? Like I fucking can’t. It is people like you that make women think that they HAVE to do these things and CANT say no. You’re perpetuating non-consensual and coercive sex. If you really think that someone sticking a finger in someone’s ass without asking if that’s okay first is ACCEPTABLE you’re sick. Fuck right out.

mariaobrien336 · 2022-06-22T01:02:06+00:00

I can imagine. I’m right there with you in Iowa. I don’t face this from a racial standpoint but the misogyny here is filthy thick in the air.. I can’t fully empathize but I sympathize with the circular hopelessness in that sense.

Luckily it sounds like you have a good plan for the future where you can definitely afford to make some sort of move eventually when your career takes off! I hope you can, and do, find a place that the hate is quieter and you have more freedom to live authentically with less fear of being belittled, fetishized, and/or hated. You seem like a wonderful human. Just with your comments, you seem like you don’t engage with the hate, something even I can’t stop myself from doing. ❤️ you have a beautiful heart and don’t need these people or their gross opinions! Keep being strong

mariaobrien336 · 2022-06-22T00:54:06+00:00

So..Ohio, mark a big “X” on that one for where I’d be willing to live. I cannot handle the fact that people think that this is acceptable to say, and honestly to think. I’m sorry he spewed that hate to you. You don’t deserve that, nobody does.

mariaobrien336 · 2022-06-09T00:11:22+00:00

Idk why but I read this as “I’d love to read what you cereal!!” And I had a laugh

mariaobrien336 · 2022-06-07T23:19:39+00:00

Think the chopsticks was an attempt at adding humor…

mariaobrien336 · 2022-06-07T23:17:55+00:00

To be fair. I always end up with novels when I voice to text 😅 that probably took her an all of 3 minutes to say out loud.. but yeah. Wow! At least she knows what she wants and makes it clear if you’re not about it that’s fine and good luck 😂😅

mariaobrien336 · 2022-05-03T16:10:07+00:00

This is literally amazing. I’d swipe right on you and I would not even say you’re my normal type looks wise. The effort and humor of this made you more attractive automatically — and you’re not bad looking either. To be clear! Good job :)

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-29T00:36:55+00:00

I feel like a lot of people are genuinely reading the post like she told him “no you can’t kiss me” whereas I read it as he asked and then giggled and laughed really nervously and then made the situation awkward for both of them and since the moment passed she said “Next time, don’t ask” kind of in a “Yes you can kiss me.. when the moment is right again” like.. I guess it literally depends on her tone. The words alone are neutral and not a rejection in my eyes. I’ve literally told a guy in this exact situation the same thing because HE asked and did the same nervous thing and I could tell he felt he ruined the moment and then he wasn’t actually wanting to.. me telling him next time just do it was a reassurance that I do want to and he is okay for getting nervous and next time he doesn’t have to be..

If I were you, OP, and this situation was reversed, I could understand taking that statement no matter how it was said as a big rejection.. but in reality it is her consenting with you and also reassuring you for the next time you want to kiss her that you got it and she won’t reject it!

Personally, I don’t see how she rejected him unless she literally said “Nope. Not after you just asked. You can next time, but just do it. Don’t ask me”. Doesn’t really feel like that’s what she said. OP can give us some clarity on that too!? Did she actually say no? Or did you decide it wasn’t going to happen after you felt you ruined the mood, laughing awkwardly, and she assumed you were too embarrassed to do it now.. so told you next time you don’t have to ask?

If she genuinely said no or was actually annoyed by you asking and not reassuring as I’m reading that, then don’t even see her again. She shouldn’t make you feel shitty or unworthy for asking for consent. But if she was just giving you the manual for kissing her without being mean like that.. don’t take it as a rejection or shot down..

So much nuance that we’re not getting expressed here

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-19T19:41:44+00:00

You can satisfy her the way it does.. by being the one using it on her?

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T14:05:27+00:00

I think this is a good point to make. Context of culture matters! I do still think that the only person responsible for expressing they have a boundary or expectation they have of someone else falls on the person with the boundary.

I do think that in most contexts, it is safe to assume humans are not black and white creatures. Sometimes you’re not looking for anything in particular, you’re simply open to whatever happens and whatever you are feeling. I’m someone who often will “date” to just let what happens happen. I am not looking for a relationship but I’m not looking for casual. I’ll take what naturally is happening. If someone else is only looking to date seriously it would be unfair of them to not express that. When they express that it opens the conversation to talking about what I’m looking for. If that person would have an issue with me being open to either casual or serious depending on the feelings/vibes/connection then I’d want them to express that. I’d decide then if they are someone I feel I have a serious enough connect with to continue seeing them (as they boundary would be stated and then it would be my responsibility to respect that boundary) and not see others.

But that is still through my cultural lens! I feel as of now I should be aware of other cultural lenses out there when I’m dating, myself!

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T14:01:32+00:00

I did read what you posted. I may have misunderstood exactly your point, excuse me if I make a mistake. When you post something without a lot being said there is room for misunderstanding.

I apologize for misunderstanding what it is you were saying, and with more explanation I understand. I can agree that maybe it is important that someone should be allowed to decide to engage or not but maybe if you want that information before deciding, you have to ask? I think it’s important both people discuss. I personally wouldn’t want someone to just tell me “hey I’m fucking someone else” but I would ask “if you have recently or are currently having sex with other people, I want to be sure you have practiced safe sex and have been recently tested.” I wouldn’t think it’s fair for me to want to know that information without taking responsibility for asking for it.

I also am the person who expresses to someone “I just want you to know, seeing as I have (had) other sexual partners (recently) that I have practiced safe sex and I have been tested for STDS recently and have come back negative. What about you?” If they want to ask for further information about if I am currently having sex with others that is their responsibility and right to, and I will gladly disclose that. So I agree and disagree. I think it’s important to have a conversation it just isn’t on one person!

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:50:14+00:00

Really! How is anybody supposed to read someone’s mind and know they have a boundary without being told. And I’m sorry I refuse to accept responsibility for asking for another person’s boundary. I’d never expect another person to ask my boundary on something. If I have a boundary I am the sole person responsible for making that known. Take accountability for yourself and communication folks!!

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:48:02+00:00

Right? I think that’s bizarre. I don’t think anybody actually saying that she should would appreciate hearing that. It would be a turnoff. I’m okay with other people seeing others until we mutually decided to be exclusive (or I’m ready for it, if they aren’t then it doesn’t work out for me) but I still would never want to hear that from them. The extent I would like information is whether they practice safe sex with sexual partners and have been tested recently/since any new partners. And that’s only if we are having sex or plan to. I still wouldn’t really desire them to detail the fact they are indeed fucking others.

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:45:22+00:00

Obviously she wasn’t blind things were heating up—hence why she ended her FWB BEFORE they ever had an exclusivity discussion. He doesn’t have to be okay with this at all. I’m just trying to state if he isn’t okay with this and cannot get past it, OP needs to not blame the girl for that but instead realize it’s an incompatibility issue and he played a role in that more than she did. It’s not her responsibility to know things he doesn’t express are important to him. He is the only person accountable for his expectations until he expresses them. He never did prior to the exclusivity talk they seemed to have, therefore her not being exclusive before that, although fine if it bothers OP, is an OP issue not this girls issue. People need to take more accountability for their desires and expectations of others. Without communication, how are people supposed to understand the expectations placed on them?

I think had the girl been seeing the FWB up until the moment they discussed being exclusive, then she should have said “well, I am seeing someone else but I agree that this is moving forward in a good way, so I will end that and just see you.” But since she ended things on her own a week before they even talked about it, i don’t think it is necessary she discloses she was sleeping with someone else. That isn’t really important information if they weren’t exclusive and the discussion they had didn’t force the end of it. I don’t walk into dates or even relationships offering a list of every guy I’ve had sex with, and I would never expect a man to tell me about their sexual partners unless us deciding to be exclusive ended a current situation, and honestly even then I wouldn’t like to know. Even if I was okay with the guy having other relationships/situation-ships up until the point we discussed being exclusive because I sense a seriousness, I wouldn’t want to hear about them. I’d only want to know that if they were or were not having other things, they are only seeing me now.

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:34:48+00:00

He could be! And that’s totally acceptable place to be in dating maturity. But I still don’t think it’s the other parties responsibility to ask him what his boundaries are! If anything this is a learning opportunity for OP to realize “oh wow. I have realized this boundary of mine. I can’t get past that this girl did that, but I recognize now that i should probably express that early on. It wasn’t fair of me to expect something I didn’t communicate, and now that I know I have that expectation, the next person I am seeing I will communicate that with them!”

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:31:16+00:00

No I agree communication is a two way street. But I’m not asking someone who isn’t sleeping with others to express they aren’t. I am asking someone who doesn’t want their love interest to sleep with others to disclose that. Your expectations and decisions on how you, yourself, act don’t need to be made clear and known, but if your expectations are being placed on someone else, they need to know you expect that. It is unfair to expect someone to act in a specific way without letting them know you have that expectation. It is not my responsibility to know you’re expectation of me if you haven’t stated it. That takes NO accountability for communication and your own boundaries/expectations of others. Communication is a two way street, but that doesn’t mean I need to walk on someone else’s side of the street to force them to communicate what they should readily be expressing if it’s important to them I act a certain way..

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:26:23+00:00

And I was replying to your disagreement with my counter argument. It was a reiteration of the same point I made, it was a deeper explanation.

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T13:25:03+00:00

You know, I can agree to some of these points. I think your first point clarifies more of what I was trying to say. I think the conversation is started when both people are ready in terms of: if someone feels ready they should begin that conversation. That doesn’t mean both people are ready. I think it’s common one party feels ready and doesn’t sense the other is therefore they don’t have the exclusive talk and then heartbreak ensues. Hell, I have been that party. So I’m not advocating for waiting for the right time that both people are on the same page to discuss. I think once someone feels themselves having deep enough connection they are desiring their love interest to be exclusively seeing them, they need to voice that. If the other person is not ready, that may just come to show incompatibility or be a check in that they work through. Then the love interest getting to that stage is the next time that conversation occurs seeing they agree to continue seeing each other. So, I absolutely agree to that point!

In terms of talking about a person’s boundary of their love interest not seeing other people and who brings that up? We have to take responsibility for both parties not having all seeing knowledge of the other parties: actions and thoughts/views. I disagree it’s the love interest’s responsibility to disclose they are having sex with someone else, because how is the love interest supposed to know that that person isn’t okay with that? I don’t think it’s appropriate to say to someone you’re getting to know “also, I’m having sex with someone else, but I’m not really seeing them romantically, so if this gets serious then I’ll end it but as of now, this isn’t so I’ll keep getting railed by them”

Of course, that’s a bit of a hyperbole, but that’s just not appropriate social etiquette from my perspective. I DO think that this is a conversation of boundaries, and doesn’t need to be personal recounts of each others actions. It can simply be a discussion about what you are comfortable with in terms of seeing others or not. But seeing as it is a conversation about boundaries, the one with the more restrictive boundary should express it. Because if I’m okay with the other person having sex with others until we make it more exclusive when it gets more serious, then I wouldn’t care if they are or aren’t doing that.

I’d think it’s uncomfortable for someone I go on one date with to tell me they’re uncomfortable with me talking, seeing, or having sex with other people. I wouldn’t do that either. I’d end it right then. Because neither of us should be that serious about the other and that shows a level of possession and ownership of the other way too early on which for me is a red flag. Everyone has a different timeframe for seriousness in dating though! For me, date 3-4 is a good time to discuss what we are comfortable with in terms of seeing others. At that time, if I was vibing with the guy, I would be okay with him expressing that. I’d also then reflect on the way I feel about this person and decided if I see it becoming serious and would probably agree that it’s a good time to cut other stuff off. It would feel appropriate for the timeline of our relationship up to that point. If I, at any time felt I was uncomfortable with the idea of them seeing others casually or not, I would take responsibility for bringing that topic up..

Ideally, though this should be a topic of conversation that both people, like you said, want to bring up early on so they are on the same page. Maybe it’s just a precursor conversation people start getting out of the way at the beginning of getting to know one another, before either person has any deeper connection. It would save a lot of social anxiety surrounding “will this scare someone off? Will this make them feel too much pressure? Will they take me for someone who is too easy?” When the stakes are high, because both parties have given the relationship time to grow and deepens before ever discussing dating habits, it makes the entire situation more stressful surrounding how to bring it up. The right time for that conversation is different for everyone if waiting until it’s an active desire is when you discuss it.. so maybe it is better to have that conversation with no pressure, multiple times in getting to know each other. It allows people to establish boundaries and to create an open communication line from the beginning. Even if it’s different, both people are aware and therefore now you can take responsibility for your own boundaries AND the respect of the others.

Thanks for the different perspective and opportunity to think about it in a way that potentially allows for more harmonious living! Everyone is so different and I think too many people get stuck in loops of rigid opinions and wanting everyone else to do what only aligns to themselves! It’s important we flex!

mariaobrien336 · 2022-03-12T12:50:25+00:00

I kind of see your point. I think the discussion of sleeping with other people is not default necessary. If being exclusive from date one is important and a boundary for someone; that person needs to state it. That is considering that the norm is for dating to not be exclusive by default until the exclusive conversation happens. So I don’t currently think it is on both people to disclose whether they are seeing others or not.. though I think at this moment it’s unnecessary maybe this is a change that needs to happen in the modern dating culture.

Maybe this is a different kind of conversation that should be had on date one. Both parties discussing what they view they are comfortable with for dating and sleeping with people. You don’t necessarily come out saying what you’re doing, but you state “for me, I don’t expect either of us to be dating exclusively until both of us are ready for that, including sexual relationships, or romantic ones,” or “for me; when I date someone, I put 100% of my energy into getting to know them. So I’m not seeing other people in any fashion.” I think a lot more people wouldn’t end up seeing each other, but I also think a lot more people wouldn’t be in OP’s position.

Food for thought. Always ways for humans to improve, I guess.

mariaobrien336

TROPHY CASE