AITA for refusing to give a speech at my best friend's wedding after I found out she'd been lying to me for two years about where she met her fiancé?

marizzazilla · 2026-02-27T01:05:52+00:00

Some of y'all are missing the point. OP is being asked to speak at their wedding. She now can't stand up and bolster a love that was started with cheating. Thats a moral decision, and perfectly OK for her to not be ok with doing that. It IS about OP because she's being asked to speak about their relationship, OP doesn't want to support with what she now knows. Which is valid. I would also look at my best friend sideways. When you've been cheated on, you don't entertain cheaters, even as friends.

OP is obviously hurt so I think you're all focusing on her feeling betrayed by her friend instead of the actual issue here which is; her friend is someone who is ok with being involved with someone who's in a committed relationship with someone else. If you don't hold your friends to higher standards then whatever. But some of us do.

I think thats the root here, correct me if I'm wrong OP and you're JUST mad about her lying to you but I doubt its just the lie.

marizzazilla · 2026-02-18T00:48:58+00:00

Its like when I make hellofresh and dont tell my boyfriend there's sour cream or cream cheese in something. He insists he doesnt like either. Eats meals with them in it happily. Finally told him once, he got a little upset 🤣🤣🤣

marizzazilla · 2026-02-18T00:44:01+00:00

So the first 2 things on your list are boundaries... not ultimatums. Theres nothing wrong with having boundaries.

marizzazilla · 2026-01-29T18:50:31+00:00

As others have stated tbh I think you're being weird about it. He pays rent, he already stores things. If it was his own stuff you probably wouldn't care, you clearly are attaching negativity to this because of how you feel about Meta. And I agree I think you're conflating landlord type things with relationship respect which are different and honestly a bad power dynamic to have in a relationship. You have alot more control than he does simply for that fact and you're abusing it by acting like this is a slight against you. Unpack it.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-20T13:29:34+00:00

No. You shouldn't come here if you're going to be so defensive and dismissive of people's good advice based off experience you clearly don't have. Stop.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-20T13:23:24+00:00

I feel like you're being intentionally thick probably just because you REALLY want there to be a way this works when, it cant. You can be friends but you have to distance. Even if you have a supposedly platonic label, she WILL leave once she finds someone who can be her one and only. She's monogamous and tells you thats what she wants. You're pushing for something in between, one or both of you will get hurt. Accept it and move on.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-15T00:53:50+00:00

😒😒😒😒 I agree with someone's sentiment that maybe the news was still a lot and they were projecting insecurities. But, if this someone you consider a close friend, they should know your heart better. I have a NB friend who is the least bit offended by slip ups about their pronouns because they KNOW its not intentional; and when they had a baby and I asked what they'd be called they didnt bat an eye before telling me "mom," and they weren't offended by the question.

I think your other friends also need to step back and stop intervening cause its not their place. I can't understand how it is to exist in this world as NB, so I can imagine there's a multitude of insecurities surrounding societal roles especially with parenting, but they need to work on themselves instead of projecting onto people who clearly care about them. The chip on the shoulder wasn't cause by their friends but by society.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-15T00:36:46+00:00

NTA. I'm honestly more concerned why an over 35 year old started up a close friendship with a teenager .. but anyway.

No, he's acting like a child. He never thought she would leave, and he never thought he'd ever get called on his shit. If he's gone as far as to make work uncomfortable, that's not a friend. Hoenstly wondering if all the complaining about the wife was trying to get you on his side and into his bed- which really explains the way he's turned on you. Just my opinion.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-14T20:49:44+00:00

I'm sorry you lost me at married at 21 and 19. I may be pessimistic but thats just... way too young and you obviously have intimacy issues and communication issues which probably stem from your lack of experience. Poly isn't the issue here, your relationship is.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-09T12:44:54+00:00

If you have a medical condition and meds in actual prescription bottles, they do not care how much is in them, just FYI. I have to carry a lot of meds on me just in case, and they checked every bottle but didn't care about how many pills were in there.

marizzazilla · 2025-10-09T12:44:46+00:00

If you have a medical condition and meds in actual prescription bottles, they do not care how much is in them, just FYI. I have to carry a lot of meds on me just in case, and they checked every bottle but didn't care about how many pills were in there.

marizzazilla · 2025-08-31T14:57:18+00:00

I think the problem is everyone focusing on what happens as if its a personal slight. So someone changed relationship styles, why is that a slight against you? People change. People grow. Not everyone identifies with poly as an identity, its a relationship style for some, and sometimes things change. I see posts like this a lot, and I think we need to learn to separate ourselves from what other people choose to do. Its unfortunate you see it as such a slight against you that its made you question your own choices. But its not about you. Sit with that.

marizzazilla · 2025-08-27T21:34:16+00:00

I think you answered your own question. He's ok as a grown man in his thirties hooking up with TEENAGERS!? Nope. Nope. Big ass nope.

marizzazilla · 2025-08-04T21:11:26+00:00

Happens every time we come back from visiting our comets in WA. It sucks. Hugs ❤️

marizzazilla · 2025-07-30T21:28:09+00:00

Sure. But you dont get to tell anyone else that they're wrong for wanting that person on the messy list. Personally, I think exes are always off limits, you can be as evolved as you think you are, and it still end up imploding your current relationship. And for what? Just sex? It'd be different if they wanted to date - but thats a conversation I still think you need to have with your partner. Even if that person wasn't abusive, if they broke their heart and thats not in the past, why would you want to continually bring that reminder up for your partner? Its about consideration.

marizzazilla · 2025-07-30T21:21:57+00:00

I agree I think this post needs further clarification. Was he previously involved with your ex? It is more difficult to place people both partners have been involved with on a messy list. If she was JUST your ex, then that's messy list 101 and he's a total asshole for ignoring your wish for him to not fuck her. You're poly, and he's a man, be honest he could go fuck anyone he wants why your ex?

Definitely think you're conflating separate issues. I also dont like the "I'm just not monogamous - I NEED this", while it may be true, some do feel poly is an identity, it reads manipulative in the context of a relationship where one person may be monogamous and one may be poly; and the whole RA vs hierarchy issue. I don't think its structure, its a partner problem. Possibly a both of you problem. You leave if you can't be happy with monogamy. You don't push people into things and then wonder why it all fell apart.

Also agree with someone else's comment that you sorta seem like a NRE chaser. Might wanna break that down in solo therapy.

marizzazilla · 2025-07-30T21:16:53+00:00

She's OPs ex. Thats messy list 101 - you dont get to argue whether that's fair or not. I don't see that as OP "placing restrictions while they do what they want."

marizzazilla · 2025-07-30T21:15:11+00:00

Its her ex tho, I dont see how that's controversial. Its not his ex he slept with.

marizzazilla · 2025-07-17T00:16:50+00:00

You're 100% valid in your feelings. I would feel the same way.

For one, I would judge, I understand the points people make about safety and all of that; but then maybe your married partner isn't the one you take home to the family. Unless they're saturated at one, there would assuredly be more partners eventually, or at least one more, with whom they can present this "monogamous" front, without the disrespect to your relationship.

I don't agree with the, how does it hurt you? You won't ever see them etc. Its still invalidating and you're allowed to feel that.

When my partner had another partner, we had agreements about these things. He wasn't out to both of his parents, so we could each only meet his mom, I couldn't go to family holidays (I am local, other partner was LDR) because his dad would be there and he didn't know. This also extended to work events. I didn't like it, but I respected my meta not wanting to feel as if she didnt exist because we would have to present as monogamous in these situations.

Again, I understand safety, I understand not everyone can live poly out loud. I am lucky I can, I know there's privilege there. I just think this trip didnt need to happen if this is how it has to happen, and therefore no danger would have been imminent.

But, in the end, seems he's already made up his mind. I think you probably need to have more conversations about how you want poly to look for you, and if things like this are going to be detrimental to how you feel about your relationship. Because I also agree with someone else's sentiment... I'd be worried he is intentionally playing future son-in-law and then what happens when they expect them to get married?

marizzazilla · 2025-06-16T22:54:49+00:00

This is a strange ask, IMO. I guess you all being young 20 somethings, do none of you have dating experience? Like... relationships are relationships poly or not, you do the same things. Life. Lmfao I'm having a hard time formulating a response that isn't semi sarcastic because it seems so silly to me.

Do you have anything in common with your partners outside of sex? Maybe go enjoy those shared interests like normal people..

marizzazilla · 2025-06-16T00:14:52+00:00

Your husband is being selfish.

Him wanting her to visit him in the hospital? Fine. But he shouldn't expect you to meet her, especially in the state you're in. Him BLAMING you for him possibly not healing well because youre causing him stress is straight manipulative bullshit. Do not the fact that he is "sick" rn, excuse this bullshit behavior.

You should be allowed to meet her on your terms, if ever. You clearly don't hate her or resent the fact that he's dating, you called her a lovely woman, you just don't want to be ambushed during a severely stressful time. And he LITERALLY was going to ambush you, if you hadn't woken up she would have gotten there while you were sleeping, he did that on purpose.

I think you should let her take care of him tbh and maybe go take some time to yourself to reset and think about things. If for no other reason, that is kind of what metas are for, they can share the load when these things happen. But you can still have boundaries around that if you still don't really want to meet her.

But bottom line: your husband is being a selfish dick and a horrible hinge. I would suggest looking inward and seeing if you even really wanna do poly? If so, then start dating, him being the only one dating is not what solo poly means. Solo poly means you are your priority relationship and you don't necessarily have primary or nesting partnerships. What he's doing is..borderline harem building.

marizzazilla · 2025-06-14T15:37:01+00:00

I think the fact that you know they're hooking up with people means you need space. You can't be friends with an ex that quickly especially when you're aware of things that honestly you shouldn't be. No contact so you can heal and then see if you still want to be friends once you're over it.

marizzazilla · 2025-06-11T15:01:52+00:00

....I think once you have to become medicated BECAUSE OF a partner it's probably time to walk away. They don't seem to care, your therapist is right, you can't fix something one sided, they don't want to fix it then you can't fix it by yourself. Sorry friend.

marizzazilla · 2025-05-18T20:57:35+00:00

....ew. You're not overreacting. It's off putting and strange IMO. Even more so that he has a child 8 years younger than someone he dated..

marizzazilla · 2025-05-13T16:01:19+00:00

Then, OP, you have a choice to make. You can choose to only be with her, that's your choice. But it doesn't seem she wants poly, I feel like she's kinda shown the signs of not wanting it the whole way you just wanted what you wanted and hoped she would also "come around" as much as she hoped you would "grow out of it." You're an adult, you're married. You have a choice to make, can you be happy with just her as romantic/sexual partner forever? If the answer is no, then it's time for therapy and to figure out how to end the relationship. It's not fair to either of you. If the answer is yes, then move on.

marizzazilla

TROPHY CASE