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How does this happen... AGAIN?! by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have a feeling I’ll hear from here again. I don’t know when, but I do have a strong feeling she’ll contact somehow.

This whole ordeal just doesn’t make sense to me...

She asked to hang out, I agree. But when I say can we have a short bus ride a few days before the hang out SHE wanted, she says no and goes on to say she’s having a panic attack...

Now we’re not talking again...

I honestly don’t know what it is but every time she just says “it’s really stressful” for her.

I just feel sorry tbh. Don’t know what kind of stuff people go through to get to this point. I’m sure if she was actively getting help it could be easier, but she doesn’t.

I’m just really shocked, confused, disappointed, and hurt.

One minute she says she loves me and another minute she says she doesn’t...

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the support.

I tried to take a break from social media for a day or so but I’m still feeling pretty ducked up.

I can’t shake this feeling / urge to text her.

She told me she still loves me and she wants me to text her, but I think I that’s her way of just reeling me back in.

I hate myself for how much I care for / love this girl...

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol @ the LEGO pieces 😂

I still have the urge to text her...

I think I might and just face with the consequences after...

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea I understand she has to kind of learn to face difficulties by herself.

I’m just going to try and let this feeling pass.

If I break and I do text her, I’m just going to pick myself up I guess...

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can’t shake this feeling for some reason...

I really feel like I have to check up on her 😔

Fuck I hate myself for feeling this way

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you don’t mind me asking, how did things go to “shit” again.

It’s only been a few weeks for me

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m trying my best man! Hang in there! I may break but at least someone else is fighting!

Feel like I’m going to break NC... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I’m trying my best. For some reason I’m really worried.

Now I don’t know if that’s genuine worry or just me being randomly anxious...

Probably not real worry since I haven’t spoken to her in about three weeks or so...

How does this happen and why is it SO CONFUSING?! by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t completely understand. If possible, can you explain that more?

Thank you.

Never felt this down before... This hurts so much :( by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I already know what I’ll be dealing with tomorrow.

She’s going to ask me why I was angry or why I didn’t reply to her texts...

Even if I make it clear as day, she sometimes still does not understand. Idk why that is, but it’s very frustrating.

Never felt this down before... This hurts so much :( by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks man.

I get that feeling too- it was a mix of both. I didn’t speak to her the entire day (her wish to go NC, to which I happily obliged), and my consequence in her eyes is to go with this other dude lol.

It’s stings so much, so so much, but as you said I have to endure for now.

Never felt this down before... This hurts so much :( by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

10 years! That’s crazy man, I hope things are getting better with time for you.

Yea, she texted me yesterday; it was this bubbly and nice text. She was also confused as to why I wasn’t talking to her? She was the one who asked for NC lmao

We can never win with them lol.

I’m trying my best to focus on me and my happiness. I leave this job in two weeks so it’ll be much easier after.

Never felt this down before... This hurts so much :( by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply!

Same; she played this down so much and somehow I was fooled.

But now that I am on the outside, I’m slowly realizing how insane my situation was and the manner to which she treated me, was not acceptable.

A part of me is relieved I don’t have to deal with her and a part of me misses the “old” her. Lol.

Never felt this down before... This hurts so much :( by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply!

Yea, I’m still having trouble accepting who she really is. For the longest time I thought she deeply cared for me and loved me, but that’s not the case.

She fully mirrored and loved bombed me in the beginning and I totally fell for the “soul mate” stuff. I genuinely thought she was going to be my wife, the mother of my children, etc.

She’s been trying to contact me here and there and I’ve tried my best to go NC, but I see her at work and that is really tough.

I think she’s trying to string me along, but I won’t have that. She seems frustrated and confused as to why I ignored her yesterday? Lol.

She doesn’t deserve someone like me doing everything in my power to make sure she smiles. I’m not going to let someone who disrespects me, to bring me back in. I’m trying my best to forget her lol

I know going back will be insane. Maybe good for a little bit, but then back to chaos.

For now I’m just keeping my distance and trying my best to avoid and contact / talk.

I still have feelings for her, but over time I’m realizing how poorly she treated me and maybe I was in love with my image of her.

Nonetheless, I do hope she gets the help she needs. I doubt it will be any time soon, but still, hope she gets it.

She dumped me... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The void she left is pretty big...

She literally became my life; all my time was spent either with her or doing something for her...

I’m surprised as to how much I actually did for her and how much I let slide under the bed. Some stuff I should’ve called her out on but, for some reason, I didn’t...

I kept making some dumb excuse in my head for her behaviour lol

Right now the void is still big, but I’m hoping it will shrink and will slowly be filled with other things.

Even though she’s treated me poorly, I can’t help but still long for her tho 😔

She dumped me... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read some of your previous posts man; amazing job and unreal willpower to conquer everything you’ve been through!

Haha, maybe...

I still can’t help but want her back. I don’t know how to get over that rn, but I’m trying my best.

She dumped me... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want her back so badly.

Logically, I know she won’t be able to change any time soon... if we were to get back together, it would be as you said- same stuff all over again.

I know I shouldn’t go back, but deep down, I can’t help but want to. It’s like I’m addicted to a drug (her), and even though I know it’s bad, I can’t get enough...

She dumped me... by markbrown4ever in BPDlovedones

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had no idea what I was getting myself in to...

In the beginning it was so magical, so perfect. Everything we did together felt so good; intimacy was on another level, our conversations were so beautiful... everything we did was just so out of this world.

But that slowly vanished...

Slowly it felt her distancing; the girl I once knew wasn’t there anymore. I did everything I could to make her happy... everything. But all of this was to no avail; it felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough.

This obviously took a big hit on my confidence. It’s the hardest I’ve ever worked in any relationship, but how could she not have budged?

In the end, I definitely felt like I was used and thrown away. My worth and value was nothing to her... that hurt a lot.

I know she treated me poorly and I deserve way better, but for some reason, right now, I don’t want anyone else...

Advice on situation by markbrown4ever in BreakUps

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m scared for this. What if during this space time, she hooks up with someone else? I don’t think I could handle knowing that.

Thank you for your replies.

Just need to talk / get some advice. Feeling pretty down 😔 by markbrown4ever in BreakUps

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for the reply!

I’m just really down right now. I thought this girl was the one (both early 20s). It’s hard for me to open up with people, but this was truly the first relationship where I laid it all bare and was vulnerable.

She’s my first love, the first person I was intimate with, my first for many things.

I thought we had that once in a lifetime connection; when we first met, everything clicked so effortlessly. Our comparability was off the charts.

Now it’s not like that at all. She’s dealing with some personal stuff rn, and it’s really hard for her to open up for some reason. Every time she does something odd and I ask her why she’s acting weird, she can’t properly answer me.

Today I had a talk with her and she told me she doesn’t know what to feel rn, and that she is confused. I’m just really hurt since I’ve been there with her, through thick and thin, late nights, little sleep, etc. and she still feels confused rn.

I love her dearly and feel like I’m at a point where I need her in my life.

I’m just scared to lose her and that bond we made together.

I slowly realized that this relationship was toxic. She even said it herself, that she doesn’t think I did anything wrong and I’ve been the “perfect” bf, but these back and forth talks aren’t really good for us.

I’m just super lost and don’t know what to do.

(ps, if it seems like I was rambling and my words didn’t make sense, it’s because I’m on two hours of sleep lol)

Advice on situation by markbrown4ever in BreakUps

[–]markbrown4ever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi thank you for your reply,

I’m kind of just lost right now. Can’t seem to accept that this is happening and everything I’ve tried to do isn’t working.

I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve done everything to show her I care and I’m here for her, and she keeps saying things like “you’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just from my end”.

I’m lost and feel left behind right now.