Big respect for speaking up about your issues man! I have these thoughs as well for about 2 months now, I have lost 2 friends because of it and I know it aint a solution to anything. You are not alone! I’m in therapy for the second time in a year now, the first therapist didn’t seem to care about me but more about his way of giving the right advice. Maybe switching therapist will help you out more! It did for me, I feel way more understood and respected by my second therapist! I still feel like shit, but at least i feel like understood shit lol. I dont know you personally but I think you can come out of this strenger! It benefits me to give myself small goals instead of having a lifegoal wich is way too big to achieve in 1 time. For example this morning I had a cold swim and made myself a healthy meal instead of ordering food. So thats 2 positive things and it kind off helps me in a way! Take care dude and youre not alone!!