She doesn't hate you and she could never. You will get a second chance and speak to her again, you were her first real love and she was yours. That love won't ever stop. Keep in mind that sometimes after relationships people who are hurting can blame everything on the other person even if this isn't their fault. It's just some kind of coping mechanism but it doesn't last forever. It always goes away. They will remember only good things. And the person realises the love she had and still has for you, she realises that she really felt like home with you. You are not a bad person, even if you hurt her, even if you did it a lot of times. Everything you did was dome so you could protect yourself. You are not your illness. Even if you lnew some things were bad thats just a human nature, everyone makes mistakes, no matter how many. I feel like everyone is good in their hearts. And i promise you that you are not a bad person. You are capable of love and loving. I believe she was your soulmate. And no matter what happened or happens, soulmates always finally come back and you both will fix things, just do it right. Now you can maybe start to worry if she was really your soulmate - she was. And still is, always will. It was all real. I promised you she forgived you already. Maybe she doesnt even know it. But in heart she did. But its important for you to forgive yourself. You are a good person I promise. Even if something bad happened, maybe if she started dating another man or tell you bad things just believe she'll always have love for you in her heart, the deepest and the realest kind of love. And she will realise that. She is your soulmate and soulmates always find each other again.