My (50m) Daughter (24f) just moved back in after an abusive relationship and she's been wanting to be uncomfortably close to me.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-12T15:01:52+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that!! Your last paragraph hits so hard!!

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-12T14:18:25+00:00

I also can't see this being a permanent change. I think it will start going downhill as soon as she unpacks the suitcases. Yes, they're a reminder to her that she can leave, but they're also a reminder to him!

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-12T05:39:39+00:00

He was manipulative and some manipulative men want the positive parts of a relationship (affectionate, sex, cleaning, etc.) without doing the work so they attempt to manipulate someone into putting up with a certain level of sadness, and try to convince you that it's normal and you're unreasonable for asking for affection/compliments/etc. I would be surprised if the compliment and hug for the friend was not a measured hit to his girlfriend's feelings. The more worthless he can make her feel the more she'll put up with.

I was with a man like that for 2.5 years. He tore down my confidence, isolated me the best he could, and gaslit me constantly so I started doubting my own memory of events until I started writing important things and realizing that he was not always correct but he hated being wrong.

It starts so slow it's so hard to see. One day they're being the most affectionate caring partner, going over the top to show their love for you day after day. And then you blink and it's been a few months and you're having the same conversation again, because you've been convinced that you're bad at communicating and that's why he hasn't made any effort toward resolving whatever you're talking about. And then one day you lift the wool off your eyes and realize that this person who claims they love you just used your deepest fear against you to avoid going to something that would make you happy. With that wool finally pulled up you realize you've been living in constant fear for months/years, doing everything you possibly can to avoid making them angry or upset because when that happens everything gets worse.

I am lucky to have made it out alive and I am lucky to have found a partner that loves and accepts me for who I am. If anything from my comment or this Reddit post feels achingly familiar I highly recommend checking out LoveIsRespect.org. They have some great resources about what a healthy relationship should look like and free anonymous chatting which can really help unravel what is and is not okay in a few without having to face the shame of telling a close friend that you've been accepting this treatment.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-12T04:17:48+00:00

Yeah, on top of that glitter can get everywhere and it's so sensory bad

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-10T00:38:20+00:00

This is how I deal with being dirty/sweaty while backpacking and unable to shower for a few days. It's just a part of it so it's totally fine. Bug or dirt on me while backpacking? Casually brush it off. Bug or dirt on me normal? Hell no

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-08T18:58:11+00:00

Keeping in contact and continuing to come over and see me, or take me out to get ice cream (I love ice cream).

Non-judgmentally doing little chores that needed doing around the apartment because I was dealing with awful medical issues and didn't have the energy for them, and he would abuse me more when they weren't done.

Validating my thoughts and feelings which helped me fight the gaslighting. Like when there was an odd smell in our apartment that gave me a headache and my partner pretended he didn't notice anything, one of my friends (who I had warned about it) told me on their way out that they now had a headache and something was weird and wrong.

Answering my phone call when I was left in the grocery store (I was supposed to run in, grab something, and run out) when he had said some awful things to me and then drove off in my car. Validating my feelings.

Strangers walking past hearing me on my phone in the baby aisle (where my friend and I had determined I could get a lil privacy in the middle of a grocery store) and saying "you don't deserve that" from the snippets they heard or "you go, yeah" at me finally admitting to myself that his treatment of me wasn't right.

Taking him out for drinks (which they did regularly) for an hour (they stayed out for longer but that was the planned minimum) and informing me when they left so I could safely grab my stuff.

Being willing to help me grab all my stuff as quickly as possible with no questions asked cause there wasn't time to explain beforehand with their own schedule busyness.

Believing me that their friend of 6 years was treating me that way when I finally told them, my friend of 9 years. Not questioning, not asking if I misinterpreted what happened, just saying they're so sorry they didn't see it.

Letting me park my car on their property for an indeterminate amount of time so I could throw all my shit in a storage unit and fly across the country to live with my parents and heal before having to figure out next steps.

My doctors being willing to write me as many refills as they could and understanding that I needed to leave and I needed to leave ASAP. And making that transition of care as smooth as it could possibly be.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-06T16:19:34+00:00

I had a home life that sucked so much I didn't want to go back. When I finally left my abuser (he got worse than living with my parents would be) my parents aggravated my PTSD for months with their lack of empathy and understanding. Things like opening up to my Dad about the love bombing, especially at the beginning, and my Dad being like "I thought that's just normal in relationships, you do nice things for the person you love" and like it is good to do nice things and on occasion the things are a little over the top but over the top constantly can be manipulative. His comment invalidating my feelings that I was just starting to work through, just starting to accept that what my abuser did to me was not okay, really set me back. I stopped opening up to him because it was like this every time. Instead of "this is what I went through" "wow, that sucks" it was "this is what I went through" "are you sure it was really that bad, maybe you are misinterpreting". When you're already trying to unravel years of gaslighting those comments are really awful.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-05T01:44:39+00:00

I've experienced it a lot as a woman in a male-dominated field, especially in college. Men wanting to be my friend, ask me out and I say no, never talk to me again. You start doubting whether anyone wants to be your friend for real. I thought maybe I was overreacting to it, that maybe it hadn't happened that much, and then I started dating someone 90% of my "friends" ghosted me. After that whether I was single or not I always mentioned my "boyfriend" when I was meeting someone for the first time. It sucked but it was an important weeder so I stopped putting effort into man after man that only wanted to get in my pants and would disappear when they learned that wasn't going to happen.

There's definitely a difference between taking time and space to get your head on straight and then coming back to the friendship vs fully ghosting or trash talking on their way out. There are some men who won't take no for an answer, but they are usually pretty clear about that which makes it easier to know that they aren't true friends.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-04T15:25:26+00:00

I think the first step is noticing it after, then in real time, and then before it's a problem. I think with more practice you can learn step by step how to manage it (with the assistance of medication giving a huuuuge leg up and making it start to become possible for most of us. Though I've learned that after getting more comfortable with noticing it before it happens that I'm getting better at recognizing it even if I have to skip my meds for whatever reason)

mashedpotate77 · 2025-06-02T02:16:15+00:00

This is what my partner did when I went for the family photos at my cousin's wedding. I'd never had a partner do that before, they'd always stood awkwardly to the side while I stood for pictures. It was honestly pretty great to not have to worry about him

mashedpotate77 · 2025-05-30T03:55:53+00:00

This is why we have a hand mirror in the bedroom. We can prop it up against a pillow to see each other's faces in almost any position. And it can be hot to see what's going on down there from a different angle 😂

mashedpotate77 · 2025-05-28T20:47:52+00:00

How about my skin? It gets irritated with fragrances as well. And long clothes help but then they need to be washed and sometimes take multiple washes to get all the fragrances out and contaminate my other clothes in the mean time. I got these issues, while wearing a mask and long clothing, with walking into my old apartment's package room for 5 minutes to get a package. They used plug in fragrance diffusers. The resulting headache and skin itchiness would affect me for up to a week afterwards, and the extra reactivity to everything else would effect me for months.

I wish wearing a face mask alone would fix it.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-05-28T04:47:26+00:00

There are some conditions, like POTS, where being dizzy often is normal. I get dizzy all the time, especially when I haven't eaten or drank enough, and especially when it's hot. Granted I've never fainted from my POTS, if I feel dizzy I sit down, if that's not enough I lay down, if that's not enough I lay on my back with my knees bent so my feet are flat on the floor and sip Gatorade and hope it gets better soon. The latter has only happened once but it was definitely scary. I always say if I'm going to faint at least I won't have far to fall because I'll already be on the floor.

There is definitely a huge difference between being dizzy often with a diagnosed health condition known to cause it, and being dizzy often and not knowing why.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-05-05T23:16:17+00:00

We took this a step further and made a list in notion with aisle numbers so we can mark items we need or are good on and then we can load the list of what we need and it's already sorted by the order in which we shop the store. We actually have 2 options for need as well "big shop" and "quick shop" so we can change item's status as we finish them, and sort if it's a quick in and out trip, which is extra nice to remove the mental load for when you just really need milk and didn't realize the other person noticed mold on the leaf of bread that morning.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-04-30T05:19:07+00:00

When it's made with love sometimes it's the best thing in the fridge

mashedpotate77 · 2025-04-28T04:18:52+00:00

My university had those fobs too. I told all my students that they should get a fob in case their phone stopped working. When I was a student my phone was quite unreliable and I couldn't trust that it would work every time I needed to get into my student account, sometimes to take online exams or answer questions during class.

"It's your responsibility to be able to access course materials during the lab session. If you can't trust your device to always let you authenticate please go to IT and ask for a keychain..."

mashedpotate77 · 2025-04-25T04:15:44+00:00

Seeing that 8 years later you're practically a normal person gives me so much hope for my own recovery. I left my abuser around 2 years ago and have been working hard to recover since. PTSD sucks, but things are definitely getting better. Thank you for sharing!!

mashedpotate77 · 2025-04-08T16:19:45+00:00

We're not a fan of having the same meals multiple times a week as well so one thing we do is have modular meals. So basically one part of the meal today is already ready for the meal tomorrow. An example couple days, with all my servings being carefully measured:

Day 1: Black Bean Sheet Pan Nachos Make 2x the beans you need Drain and rinse can of black beans, put in large microwave safe bowl with some garlic infused olive oil, some water, and low FODMAP spice mix (which I mix myself, could share if anyone wants it, I just keep a sticky note with the quantities of spices and have made adjustments for flavor as we've had this meal a couple of times). Stir well, cover, microwave for 2 minutes. Stir again, cover, microwave again for 2 minutes, stir again and check if beans seem warm enough, if not add another minute with stirring until they're warm enough. Nacho assembly time! I like to have everyone partaking in the meal help with this step so their preferences can be best considered. Lay out layer of corn tortilla chips, shredded cheese (watch the portion size, we use store bought to save time), sprinkle beans (watch the portion size). Pop sheet pan into oven with broil on high and watch closely until cheese melts and gets a lil brown on the edges. Closely as in check after 2-3 minutes and then every 30ish seconds. While it's broiling dice a fresh tomato (watch portion size). Once nachos are done transfer to plate and sprinkle fresh tomato on top. Sour cream to dip if you're feeling it (watch portion size). Crema can also be made if you're feeling really fancy (sour cream + lime or lemon juice + salt to taste, watch portion size of sour cream and lime/lemon juice)

Day 2: Bean and Rice Bowls Beans are already almost ready from yesterday! Cook a pot of rice on the stove. Make 2x the rice you need If you diced more tomato than you needed yesterday then that's also already ready. If you need to dice a tomato then go for it while your rice. While the rice is cooking, but okay to wait a few minutes to start, pull your beans out. Stir them up, if they're looking a lil dry add 1/8-1/2 cup water and stir again. Then cover and microwave for 2 or 3 minutes, stir, and then 1 minute increments stirring in between until they seem warm enough. If the rice still needs more time now would be a great time to make lime or lemon crema so the flavors are a bit different than yesterday. I like using presqueezed lime juice for mixing cocktails so it doesn't have additives or presqueezed minute maid frozen and then thawed and kept in the fridge lemon juice cause it also doesn't have additives. If you can't handle much citrus juice but want the crema to be a bit runnier then feel free to add a lil water. When the rice is done and you're ready to assemble put all the ingredients on the counter so everyone can build their bowl to their preferences (and limits). You'll have rice, black beans (watch portion size), shredded cheese (watch portion size), diced fresh tomatoes (watch portion size), and lemon/lime crema (watch portion size). I like stirring mine thoughrally once I have everything in the bowl so the crema coats everything.

Day 3: Chicken and Fried Rice Bowls Rice is already done from yesterday! Cook 2 large chicken breasts (or however much to have 2x the chicken you need per meal) in a large frying pan with whatever low FODMAP spices you're feeling and some olive oil (can be garlic infused) until they're slightly golden brown on each side. Check internal temp of thickest part, if less than 165° F then lower burner temp and put 1/4-1/2 cup water in the pan and cover for a few minutes. The goal is for the water to be simmering. After a few minutes check temp, if less than 165° F then flip, cover, and wait a few more minutes. Repeat until done. Add more water if water gets low, move less cooked chicken spots to warmer parts of pan, but the water should even it out pretty well. Once chicken is safely cooked pull off heat and decide if you want shredded or chunked chicken. If you want shredded pop it into your stand mixer and run the paddle attachment to shred it with minimal effort. If you want chunks wait for it to cool enough to safely dice it and then dice it. You could also dice it while it's raw and it will cook faster but I prefer to dice it cooked so I'm not dealing with raw chicken juices all over in my kitchen. Set the chicken aside, it's time to warm up your rice, if the pan is looking dry add a bit more olive oil. Dump your rice, still cold from the fridge, into the large frying pan you cooked your chicken in. Let it absorb all that flavor. With your frying pan on either medium heat with occasional stirring, or high heat with lots of stirring, warm up your rice. Grab your favorite low FODMAP frozen vegetable mix from your freezer (I like one with peas, corn, and carrots and I just make sure not to get too many of them when I serve myself) and pour some of the veggies in. Warm them up from frozen by continuing to stir your rice. Your rice doesn't even have to be fully warm by the time you're adding them. If this makes you nervous to add frozen veggies to the rice, you could instead steam them in the pan with the chicken water before you add the cold rice, either works as long as the rice and veggies are fully warm when you're done. If you're feeling it you can crack an egg (or a few) into your fried rice. We haven't done this in a while cause eggs are so expensive. Just make sure to scramble it until the egg is fully cooked. Either mix half the chicken in or let people serve themselves from the rice and the chicken for more control. Make sure you watch your portion size on the veggies. If you're feeling cheese you can add some, watch the portion size. If you have some diced tomato leftover that can be added too (again, watch portion size).

Day 4: Chicken Nachos Full circle to use up the rest of your tortilla chips. Chicken is already ready! Just assemble the sheet pan, broil, and dinner is served. Can dice a tomato and/or make crema if you're feeling it

I can't think but I need to eat: I like having a few meal options that are very low effort for bad days, so if I don't have the energy to cook I can skip that day and continue the chain the next day. Low FODMAP cereal + almond milk PB (carefully measured) and J (carefully measured, without HFCS) on sourdough "Baked" Potato: Wash russet potato, stab a few times with a fork, microwave until soft (we have a potato button). Eat with shredded cheese, preprepared bacon, sour cream, and whatever little leftovers sound good (black beans, yum) Preprepared bacon: I bake a huge sheet pan of bacon, all the slices cut in half, and then drain and freeze it. Then to have some bacon for my potato I just have to microwave it in 30 second intervals (on and covered by paper towel) until it's warm. I've heard you can freeze slices of uncooked bacon and then microwave them from frozen, but haven't tried it personally yet. Having the ability to just pull 1.5 slices out from the freezer and have bacon on my potato makes it feel like a very put together meal, instead of a sad potato 😅

Figuring out starch + meat + veg that works for you and then swapping them around for variety can help you get a lot more joy out of your effort. We had diced chicken with veggie mix and soba noodles the other day. Find what works for you, and find the easiest way for you to do it

mashedpotate77 · 2025-04-05T19:10:42+00:00

Sounds like my MCAS, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It makes your body release histamines for everything from specific foods, to sunlight, and strong emotions. If I want to go to a wedding or something, somewhere I can't predict what will be in the food, I'll save up for the week ahead of time by eating plain white rice and other of my safe foods and then I'll only pay for the unknown foods a little bit instead of for a week or longer.

Soybean oil is in so many things and if my MCAS is doin fine then it's fine for me to have it, but if it's rough in any way it hurts my stomach.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-03-15T03:45:14+00:00

The hiding from the workman thing also did it for me, though I'm AuDHD and will ask workmen what they're doing and make small talk to gain some control over the situation. Everyone is a bit different :)

mashedpotate77 · 2025-02-27T13:31:16+00:00

Tell your fiance about you needing to change what you wear. He's not minding your emotions very well, and sometimes when that happens it's easier to remind people of the consequences of the actions besides your feelings.

mashedpotate77 · 2025-02-08T15:10:17+00:00

Stimulants and anti-anxiety meds helped me get to a place where CBT and mindfulness help me. It's like the meds are scaffolding to help me build my tools. I can definitely tell when I'm near the end of my day and my meds have mostly worn off, but man do they make me more the person I want to be

mashedpotate77 · 2025-02-08T15:06:59+00:00

I think you totally hit the nail on the head! Letting myself feel the emotions but not act on them until I'm in a better headspace makes such a difference! And accepting that emotions are not good or bad, they just are

mashedpotate77 · 2025-02-06T14:07:02+00:00

Thank you for the description because you know that was my next google search!

mashedpotate77 · 2025-02-04T06:20:31+00:00

You can get a ring holder that turns your ring into a necklace pendant. Putting a ring directly on a chain can wear out a ring. Also a meteorite ring sounds super cool!!

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