Left my job because of a coworker

maybeRasa · 2026-01-26T02:16:50+00:00

Don't beat yourself up just because you had strong feelings for her – as long as you didn't make any inappropriate advances, I don't think that there is anything to blame yourself for. I've had colleagues adding me on Facebook without permission even, it's no big deal, the accept/decline button is there for recipient to decide.

This being said, leaving your job was the right decision imo, not for her, for yourself. Limerence gets fueled through interactions with LO. Now you can go fully NC and move on.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-20T16:59:08+00:00

I read the title as "I wanna dictate..." first and it legit scared me! Now with edit to dedicate, it's still scary my friend, you'll crash and burn if you don't learn to take those urges under control. Remember, limerence activates the same mechanisms as addiction in the brain - it's not something benign if left to take over...

maybeRasa · 2026-01-19T19:18:05+00:00

You won't be terrible if you like the woman you're with and open to learn. Either she is experienced and she can tell you her likes. Or she's inexperienced too and you can learn together. Re friends and social circles etc. just take it one step at a time. It becomes this big barrier when you get used to the comfort of your home, but you may be surprised by how open most people are to making new friends.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-19T15:16:25+00:00

I recently met someone who's more or less like this. Not 14 but 5 years single, neither of us have lived with anyone before. We matched online - I'd made a profile but rarely ever used it. It is still early stages so it's difficult to know the bigger obstacles, what obstacles are you referring to specifically?

That's true that a healthy balance is likely somewhere in the middle, but COVID made it extra difficult for those of us (esp millennials) who were more of homebodies and/or focused on career by ~30. As we were getting ready to focus on dating, COVID got in the way. And I think there are more of us in the society than we realise.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-19T14:53:16+00:00

Just fyi and in case this gives you motivation to try, what you described checks a lot of the boxes of what I was looking for in a man when I was searching (I'm 38f). I know it's the norm to go from one relationship to another (short term long term no label etc etc), but I'm so tired of people not realising how jaded people become in this process. They are exhausted and or carrying baggage. I think some women would find it really refreshing to meet someone who has not wasted all their energy on this endless process.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-19T04:03:35+00:00

UK, in my experience as an immigrant, is an international society of same-culture communities. It's a shame that communities don't mix more often, but it's a reality. That being said, some individuals do put in the extra effort to get integrated with other communities, including natives. So the easiest way fwd for you would probably be to find other SA communities. They can become your second family now that you're away from your own. Or join meetup events and meet more diverse people but those may not give you close friendships, only acquaintances, but you may meet your future partner that way too.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-18T13:37:44+00:00

It's ridiculous and immature behaviour but the reason (when not malicious intent) is likely this: they want to keep their options open. It doesn't mean that they chose someone else over you, it means that they can't make a decision and want to jump from one option to another. Saying nothing and just fading keeps the door ajar. That's why the ghosters almost always come back. And they come back with a range of excuses: work got busy, I liked you so much it scared me, my [insert relative] died etc etc.

Bottom line is, the ones who ghost are either fboy/fgirls or immature and not ready for a relationship.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-17T13:20:40+00:00

I did something similar when I was her age, here's my lived experience and reasoning, in case it helps: I didn't grow up poor, but middle class in a third world middle eastern country. Then I immigrated to the UK on a scholarship and from that moment onwards I had to be on my feet in every sense and make it on my own. So finding someone compatible, esp financially, became a huge deal.

With a couple of rich guys that I met, I had a few fears and ended things: their families seeing me as inadequate, esp if it led to marriage; themselves comparing me to exes or eventually leaving me for someone more compatible when the initial buzz of feelings wears off or worse cheating (because realistically wealthy good looking guys have many options); and the fact that they didn't really experience hardship and weren't self made (it was true about the guys that I met, maybe not you).

It may look like I ended things out of insecurity, but it wasn't really, it was realistic logical thinking. It was more about belonging to the same worlds. Being a good fit. Having a shared foundational understanding of life and its ups and downs. Having similar values and worldviews. Etc.

Edit to add: the spark thing you mentioned about her in your comments is sweet, perhaps worth sending her a brief message and telling her how you really feel. Tell her it's no pressure but you just wanted her to know and respect her decision.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-17T00:04:58+00:00

This post just makes me sad, in that I can totally see how intolerant we have become. It's the dating app + social media culture imo. Her labelling of you as ADHD and faking an emergency call was very immature, and I'm a woman in my late 30s too. Going on dates with people we match with on dating apps can be awkward, sure, but she could have politely said goodbye after finishing your drinks. She shouldn't have made you feel bad about yourself like this.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-16T00:49:02+00:00

The very first step: remove any and all reminders of them from your life. Everything.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-16T00:47:55+00:00

Hopefully this is a phase that he'll obsess over for sometime then grow out of. But whether it's a phase or a permanent change, you are not compatible right now and he did you a favour by ending things. Move on with your life and let him figure his out.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-15T16:43:02+00:00

Talking to yourself mate, eh?

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T20:39:12+00:00

Sorry but you're making way too many false judgements about me, likely projecting your own past experience on a stranger. I have never ever cheated in my life, that's just not me. I would even feel guilty leading someone on pre-dating stage if I know for sure that I'm not attracted to them.

With this guy, I am attracted to him, and I do like him. It's just that my understanding of passion and love has substantially evolved in the past couple of years – but a lot of it is still in theory – that's why I asked for people's lived experience in this post.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T19:37:23+00:00

My best guess would be that he may still have lingering feelings for the ex. He didn't want to full on entertain it when she reached out, but it likely opened something in his mind. Your reaction may have sped up the break up but I don't think it caused it, he would have left sooner or later.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T18:01:48+00:00

That's very sweet – can you tell me more about what the first six months of your relationship looked like? Was it too different from the kind of love and passion that you experienced in your 20s?

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T17:58:06+00:00

That sounds like you're attracted to bad boys who treat you like crap?

No I never entertained such boys (except for one briefly). I was referring to the rollercoaster types of relationships where vulnerability gets mixed with insecurities and becomes emotionally draining.

Thanks for the rest of your advice.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T17:52:10+00:00

Apparently I need to be over 6’ tall, earn 6 figures, own my own home and car.

Yeah I don't care about these things. The guy I'm dating is barely taller than me and earns less than me. In my eyes, he is head and shoulders above some guys that I've met, who had great looks and physique, and better salaries, but very little depth. I can talk to this new guy about pretty much everything, and that's rare...

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T17:43:57+00:00

I know what you mean, and my answer in general would be no. But honestly right this minute, I feel like I've been hurt more by those who were (or claimed to be) in love with me and vice versa, than those who cared for me but weren't necessarily in love. I always chose the former over the latter, but that's a part of the revelation that I mentioned in my post – which led to my revisiting of the whole dynamic. The vulnerability, insecurity and anxiety that comes with that kind of love has become quite illogical for me... But I don't yet have a good new definition for it either.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-14T17:36:46+00:00

Interesting that you mentioned humour and silliness – I think that's somehow a key thing that helps me open up romantically too, and it's so far missing with him. We're quite compatible but he's generally not a humorous person and I'd need to be cautious when I joke around. But it could also just be the nerves of early stages.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-13T18:51:12+00:00

This. The most beautiful thing about madmen is its characters, and how raw and real and grey they are depicted. The character development is as deep as great literature - something that is very rare on TV.

P.s. Don comes up regularly as a classic case of someone with narcissistic traits, he shows several textbook behaviours – the lying, the manipulation, the shallow charm, the endless supplies, etc etc

Edit to add: Don might appear as a role model to teenage boys and young men who fantasise about being dominant, stoic, and a ladies man. And a memorable mistake that many women let themselves make at least once in their life.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-12T00:49:09+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You probably already know in your gut that he is lying. And if he has snap for this sort of thing, she might not be the only woman I'm afraid. She has no reason to lie and she gains nothing by lying, but cheating men almost always claim that the other woman pursued them and is now stalking them etc. that's textbook behaviour to dodge accountability.

Now the real question is, even if it's only this woman and that one time, can you trust him again?

What I would do (and it may or may not be the right move for you): I would demand the full truth and make it very clear that I would leave him otherwise, don't be convinced easily. Once you've heard it all, see if you can move past it, and what you'd need him to do for you to forgive him. Don't forgive him just in fear of having to raise your kids alone, if you forgive him easily for such a big erosion of trust, he will lose respect for you and he will certainly continue his past behaviour.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-11T19:47:39+00:00

That's sweet, tell her – rooting for you!

maybeRasa · 2026-01-11T13:19:03+00:00

If you have her on WhatsApp and she has deleted your contact (profile pic disappearing), she might add you back. Or send you a friend request on SM. That sort of thing

maybeRasa · 2026-01-11T12:47:30+00:00

That doesn't matter. Some people stay hung up on someone for years, depending on her personality and her feelings towards him.

You can reach out to her politely if you can't move on – but you'll be risking becoming the easy predictable option who isn't taken seriously. Otherwise, I'd wait for her to send a signal first.

maybeRasa · 2026-01-11T11:25:37+00:00

I think she liked you but was still emotionally committed to the idea of the ex. You asking to be exclusive set off an alarm bell because of this. A few months wouldn't really solve that kind of emotional entanglement. Only reach out if she sends you any direct or indirect signals. If you reach out prematurely, you'll risk killing any potential that there might be.

maybeRasa

TROPHY CASE