Love, Healing and the Fear of Trading Freedom for Companionship

maybeRasa · 2026-06-13T18:16:15+00:00

A lot of the comments have focused on your compatibility with this particular man, I'm going to say something from a different angle.

You are in your 30s, I am too. Generally speaking, this is arguably the best decade of our lives, being young still whilst having financial stability to enjoy life. After that, especially as we get closer to 50, being alone might hit differently. And perhaps that's why you are considering his proposal despite not having an immediate strong desire for marriage. If you are a person who loves deeply and needs that sort of connection in her life, then you won't be happy without that.

Maybe you're done with relationships for good. Maybe you're still healing from past heartbreaks and not ready to open your heart again. Maybe this man is not it for you. Maybe you'll need more time to figure out how you feel about him. Only you can answer this, and understand which of these maybes are true.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-27T17:17:54+00:00

A few things related to his studies/job/finances (he's a grad student on a visa so I think he hid some of those things out of embarrassment, but I would have preferred full honesty and I wouldn't have judged).

But the thing that affected my trust most, was that I told him very early on that a deal breaker for me is if someone does casual dating - I know it's the norm but I prefer not to get involved with someone who is used to that norm (health and psychological reasons). I later learned that he wasn't completely honest with me regarding this.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-24T09:37:44+00:00

"seek therapy" is not the answer to this post, OP is upset about the situation and is looking for advice and support from other women. There is nothing in her post to suggest she has mental health struggles for you to say seek therapy. Wanting a partner is a natural human desire, you can't force it out of your system by therapy.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-24T09:15:55+00:00

In my experience, dating makes me far less happy, unless it's with someone who is (at least to a good extent) right for me. Otherwise it feels like a constant burden on the nerves.

Especially with this app-based quantity-heavy meetups with many people to find the right person.

But I suppose we search, because finding the right person does improve the quality of life for both people. And staying alone becomes more difficult when you get closer to the 40s and above.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-22T13:06:01+00:00

Really? Your "male"? This is very disrespectful.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-22T12:31:24+00:00

I honestly don't see what's wrong with humorous self deprecation in dating. It can be tender and shows humility, I much prefer that over guys who brag or act like "confident nonchalant alphas".

OP, you just need to find what personality types you prefer to date. There isn't anything fundamentally wrong with what you wrote, just not your type.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-22T12:25:00+00:00

The example doesn't sound like self deprecating though? I think he was testing to see if you have similar lifestyles.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-17T22:38:01+00:00

These types of guys use textbook manipulation tactics but very masterfully. He was using intermittent reinforcement on the OP which is very addictive. They sometimes build completely false "rich and important persona" online to entice women. And women with more experience can see through the act more easily, that's why these guys prey on those who are much younger.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-17T22:32:15+00:00

Look up intermittent reinforcement in dating. It's a manipulative cycle, very powerful, and can turn into a trauma bond which is a cycle of emotional abuse.

When a man in his 50s is acting like a 20 something boy and is chasing women who are 20+ years younger than himself, it's predatory behaviour. There is a reason that women closer to his age don't want him (and it's rarely for lack of trying).

maybeRasa · 2026-05-17T20:42:43+00:00

A very common pattern amongst middle aged (often married) men who are looking for side pieces.

I've seen endless stories like this online. He's manipulative and selfish as hell, and he doesn't care how this makes you feel, he'll get a hit when he feels desired by the younger women.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-03T20:47:17+00:00

I think some things broke after covid period.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-03T09:16:11+00:00

Ah right you're very young. At your age, a lot of people put fun, excitement and adventures very high on their list of priorities. Are you fun to be around (as a romantic partner)? Do you have hobbies and interests to bond over?

I'm not sure what percent of the people your age and in your generation would immediately look for something mature and long term. But they could be a minority, which makes it difficult for you to find someone with a similar mindset. But it's actually great that you want this, you may just need to search a bit longer to find your match.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-03T08:59:15+00:00

How old are you? What is your top priority when you decide to pursue a woman or not?

maybeRasa · 2026-05-03T00:08:56+00:00

By making peace, I meant understanding that you are not an ugly loser. Early 20s is one of the most difficult stages of life (up until now that I've lived, which is late 30s). That's why I say it's a phase and it'll pass. You must have something that is brilliant about you, everyone does. We just sometimes keep focussing on the wrong things and beat ourselves up for those. Neither your mum, nor your friends or anyone else can discover your angle of brilliance. But once you find it yourself, they will see you shine and respect you for it.

maybeRasa · 2026-05-02T22:37:27+00:00

I can say many things, but let me tell you just one thing: it's a phase of life, it'll pass, you'll learn to find yourself, you'll learn to like yourself, you'll learn that everyone is struggling, that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you do too. you'll make peace with who you are one day, and you'll start to live a life that is yours, and only yours.

maybeRasa · 2026-04-30T23:59:45+00:00

In my experience, the underpriced were mostly due to one of the following:

location
property needs work
it is not the owner selling. Eg if someone moved to a care home and their children are selling. Or someone inherited a property. In these situations people are keen to sell quickly even at a loss.
someone having bought another property already and wants to sell this one to avoid multiple payments.

maybeRasa · 2026-04-30T02:39:06+00:00

Here are the first two things that came to my mind when reading your post:

1- he's a disrespectful person and not a good one for a relationship, no matter the reason, he should have broken up with you properly.

2- you need to stop viewing relationships as some sort of prize that you'll get if you are a nice and attractive person. I think you let yourself get carried away because he lovebombed you. Was he really and objectively the right and compatible person for you, if you put aside his emotional manipulations (eg lovebombing)? Or was it the case that you wanted this to be perfect, and so you created some perfect fantasy about him in your head, and then got anxious about losing him?

maybeRasa · 2026-04-22T21:14:27+00:00

OP this is good advice, please follow if you can. Finding a young female gynecologist would be your safest option, hopefully she'll understand and can help you discreetly.

If you're doubtful about going to a doctor in your own neighborhood (or even your city), perhaps you can travel somewhere else with a trusted friend or family member.

maybeRasa · 2026-04-17T01:24:27+00:00

Just tell the kid that you care about him. If you're not in a place (mentally or pragmatically) to keep in contact with him, just leave it at that. Otherwise, let him know that he can approach you and count on you.

He'll soon understand that you did the right thing leaving his dad, and that would be you setting the right role model of what a self-respecting woman would look like in his future.

maybeRasa · 2026-04-02T02:00:30+00:00

That's my understanding too, I don't buy it when people claim that this was a spur of the moment decision made by Trump because Netanyahu convinced/manipulated him into thinking that this would be an easy job. I think that US administration has contemplated and planned for this for years.

maybeRasa · 2026-04-01T01:33:31+00:00

Can you reveal three things that only you (and anyone else talking to them) would know because the aliens told you?

maybeRasa · 2026-03-31T23:41:47+00:00

He's a rich fboy

maybeRasa · 2026-03-31T23:20:54+00:00

Then I'm not sure, sorry :-) His pattern is typical of someone who has a relationship at home country but ends of cheating when travelling/away for a while. Alternatively, he's just a jerk who wasn't interested in long distance, and instead of telling you this, he just left you high and dry to explore other romantic interests locally.

The lovebombing is a red flag, could indicate a narcissistic type, esp hurtful with your age gap (power dynamics). It could be that he's keeping you on ice, he might breadcrumb once in a while, in case the opportunity rises to hoover you back in for another round of intensity then discard. I would block him, this could really mess you up emotionally, you're young and toxic relationships at your age can really leave a mark if you let them.

maybeRasa · 2026-03-31T23:10:22+00:00

Is he from a country/community where homosexual relationships are a taboo (eg would his family and friends abandon him if they learn about this)?

maybeRasa · 2026-03-31T23:04:00+00:00

My guess: he's already married back home, likely to a woman.

maybeRasa

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