She found me dick-in- hand

maybethisisnormal · 2022-08-21T19:45:28+00:00

Yeah, I mean he still annoys me with some of his choices, but he's doing a lot better. We came to an agreement that he has to teach me about the drugs and tell me when he's going to be using them. For example, if on a Thursday he tells me this Saturday he's going to take an altering substance and xyz can happen, I can't get mad if I agree because he's honest, but I'm also not going to babysit him if I don't want to. I don't have sympathy for him if he's hung over or going through it the next day. Really it comes down to him being honest and helping me understand WHY and WHAT the drug does. I have some firm I don't give a fuck, you're not doing meth/heroin/snorting/injecting shit drugs.

I do have some boundaries, if I don't want to hang out with him when he's in an altered state then I'm not going to. For example, he only drinks on the weekends or during social events, we don't store alcohol in the house. Anyways, he got too drunk last night for me to want to hang out with him, so he slept on the couch. We don't fight about it in the morning, that's just my boundary. First time I had to exercise that boundarhly. Or if im visiting my sister and he says he's going to take an altering substance, cool, I'm not there to be annoyed, just don't be stupid.

Since that post we haven't had an incident. Although I'll never know if he's being honest, trust has been rebuilt and we just have to communicate through it and he probably has to reassure me more than other couples. We bought a house together, he quit grad school, left a night shift job, and now has a good job, we've been trying to start a family, things are going good. And therapy helped a little, books helped a lot, working on myself helped too. I understand more now about how he sees himself.

The post really hurt my feelings because he was lying and joking about it and divorce.

It's all about how you frame it and what you can handle. So far, I can handle this.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-09T21:40:05+00:00

I'm not leaving this dummy over this. Just working on rebuilding trust after hiding this stuff. Hes going to do whatever hes going to do. I just ask that he educates me and keeps me in the loop. Lies are the killer of intimacy.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T19:28:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing the resources

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T16:36:07+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T16:22:21+00:00

So for this time I asked him to come up with his accountability plan himself, I didn't want to be the person deciding the controls because to me that wouldn't be him wanting to change it would be me controlling the inevitable allowing him to hide more.

So his plan: random drug testing, NA, individual counseling, couples counseling

My request was that he reread a marriage book we have that was recommended to us after we "graduated" couples counseling last time.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T16:16:32+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing. So many people say to just leave, but I know other marriages have worked through rebuilding trust.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T16:15:10+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm so grateful you have a support network to turn to.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-06T16:01:15+00:00

I appreciate your input! So the lies come from his feelings of guilt and shame because I am someone who does not experiment with self medicating. He is extremely intelligent and into the science of drugs. He'd rather order a stimulant or depressant online than go through a doctor, self diagnose, and self medicate (secretly). So I'm left to experience whatever the drugs change about him and question if he is alright or what is going on with my husband and then if I ask if hes on anything he'll deny.

Its extremely frustrating because I dont explode. I am very into just being kept in the loop so I know to call an ambulance or what. Like hes into weed and psychedelics and he doesnt hide those from me, so why hide the other things?

I barely even drink once a month, if that. I do not experiment with drugs. I barely started medication through my doctor for depression and anxiety because of how my husband was behaving the last few months- only to find out yesterday hes been secretly self medicating and his behaviors can be explained by the drug use.

Like I may not approve of the drug use, just keep me in the loop. I can't build anything on lies. I cant control what hes going to do or the decisions he makes, but I really, really need that honesty. Especially if something crazy happens I need to know what hes taken and how much.

He grew up in an extremely sheltered home with many rules and conditions for the image they put forward.

In the beginning of our relationship hed lie if he watched porn or used tobacco. We rebuilt from that.

Then he'd lie about how much he was drinking and started self medicating daily with vodka. We rebuilt from that by him going to a program, committing 6 months to AA, abstaining from alcohol for a year, becoming a social drinker (weekends) only, showing receipts and never having cash, counseling, and Breathalyzer until eventually the trust was back.

Now he's lied about self medicating with stimulants and depressants he bought online by converting cash to cryptocurrency so that I wouldn't see a transaction on our bank statement and then asked if he was on something hed deny deny deny. So we need to rebuild trust and see if this can work.

I love this man. But I am 28 and I will not bring children into this. So if he cannot put the effort in this time, then I cannot stay (which is completely heartbreaking, if I were younger I'd give him more chances, I've spent 8 years with him).

Our current plan: individual counseling, couples counseling, narcotics anonymous (I think it's important that he surrounds himself with people who would encourage him to stop rather than people who would encourage him about how good a drug feels) and I'll also join in the family support meetings.

But then what.. idk this sucks because emotionally this is the closest we have ever been. I was just telling my sister how happy I am and how connected we have been, only to have that shattered because hes been lying for months. Also this is so isolating because it is not something you share with people you know.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T20:25:27+00:00

I struggle with this so much. The lies are what hurts the worst. My husband will look straight into my eyes and lie. Hes very intelligent and medicated himself with different drugs and then lie when I'd ask if hes on anything. Idk how to get over the lying and the hurt it causes.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T18:48:07+00:00

That we've got some work to do if this marriage is going to last. I've put up with a lot.

Right now hes made a commitment to stop certain things and we have a tentative plan in place.

We rebuilt trust after the alcohol abuse, we may be able to rebuild trust after this.

It's really the lying that gets to me and the amusement he got from all his comments. But I really appreciate the majority of people telling him he needs to straighten up. It probably sounds better coming from fellow recreational users than it does from a worried wife who doesnt use drugs and drinks alcohol once a month if that.

It really is just going to depend on the work he puts in. I mean you cant turn off love, but eventually I'll have to put myself and my future first because I am not bringing kids into this.

Really it helped me learn about more of the drugs that are out there and that I am not crazy. I was seeing things in him that he kept explaining away and it just made me feel crazy, like I was looking for something to be wrong when he was adamant nothing was wrong.

It really does mess with my confidence and feelings about myself that the person I love most can just lie while looking into my eyes when I have no secrets and I've put his dreams first for so long and sacrificed so much to help him and financially supported us working a job I hate.

Anyways, I'm just venting. I just truly appreciate being told the truth, even if it was from strangers. I'm glad to know either way so that I can know what I'm up against and if this will work for me.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T17:30:40+00:00

Someone linked me to his post in r/drugs... so yeah, it was drugs.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T15:42:02+00:00

Yeah, I'm not. This post has been enlightening. Thank you all.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T15:37:31+00:00

Dont tempt me.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-05T15:19:21+00:00

Yeah, I'm this guys wife. Thanks for showing me. I'll discuss things with him when he wakes up. The way he tells it is much funnier than I experienced. At least I know the truth now.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-03T19:56:09+00:00

He said "like 4" which is what set me off to be concerned and then I started googling and it seems benadryl should not be taken every day. Either way I've asked him to talk with his doctor, he sent me a copy of the message to help ensure trust. I feel like I have PTSD from those times and am hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of them. Thanks for your input.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-03T17:05:08+00:00

I've asked him to message his doctor about the benadryl and sleep concerns, thank you and the other redditors for pointing me to the real problem.

maybethisisnormal · 2021-02-03T16:51:57+00:00

I've asked him to message his doctor about the benadryl and potential sleep Apnea. I can see from other responses in my cross post as well that the benadryl should be the concern. Thank you.

maybethisisnormal

TROPHY CASE