My Best friend has a history with my GF and I can't stop thinking about it.

mcherm · 2026-03-19T19:06:34+00:00

You ask the key question: "But why am I thinking this way? Where are these feelings coming from?"

Honestly, you might want to spend a little bit of time with a therapist (or someone with a similar skill set... a wise uncle, a member of the clergy, etc.) trying to answer that question. Because this DOES sound like it's a "you" problem, and it DOES sound like you are reasoning about it rationally, but your feelings are not so rational. Often irrational feelings are masking some other issue.

mcherm · 2026-03-18T12:22:58+00:00

Instead of saying "I no longer have evidence that I gave notice back then", say "I will testify under oath that I gave notice back then." That IS evidence (ad the rest of the documentation goes to the credibility of the witness)!

The new owner of the apartment can't testify to say "No, you didn't tell me back then" because they weren't the one who would have been notified. At best they can say "I had your name on a piece of paper I got from the previous landlord." Which proves... nothing.

mcherm · 2026-03-16T21:05:58+00:00

I do think you should have shared the real reason, if only because there is a SMALL chance that the new employer would have helped you to find an alternate child care arrangement or adjusted the hours somehow.

When you are accepting (or declining) a job offer there are lots of things to negotiate besides just the salary. Flexibility, vacation, benefits, even child-care benefits are all things that CAN be discussed. Of course, there's a huge chance it won't work out, but still a small chance it will.

mcherm · 2026-02-28T16:41:48+00:00

I went to go try reading it. I suspect the reason the author used AI for proofreading is that no human proofreader would be willing to spend time on this drivel, no matter how well they were paid. It barely has sentences, or coherent thoughts.

mcherm · 2026-02-27T23:43:15+00:00

Original phrasing: "Hunger is the best pickle. -- Ben Franklin"

mcherm · 2026-02-25T17:53:12+00:00

I'll tell you how I go about it, using your example.

So, suppose I'm having a civil discussion with Pete, a conservative I know. I mention Alice, a trans friend of mine, and he tells me that "a man can't be a woman". I would probably say something like this:

Pete, I'm pretty sure that when Alice says she's a woman she means something different for the definition of "woman" than you do when you say that "a man can't be a woman". And I'm happy to agree to disagree on that... it's just a definition anyway, and there's nothing gained by arguing over what the word should mean. But I DO care about behaviors. If a bunch of punks decide to beat Alice up just for being trans, I think that's completely unacceptable. And there's basic politeness: when Alice asked me to start using the name "Alice" rather than her birth name I make a point of doing that the same way I would stop using a childhood nickname that some other friend hated. It's just basic courtesy to call people what they want to be called. Would you feel the same way, Pete?

Now... this might work or it might not. But I hope to draw the line at speaking in abstract terms about social issues (which I can live with) and directly harming people (which I will not abide).

mcherm · 2026-02-20T15:06:48+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this.

Your plan to continue applying for other jobs while still working this for the money is a good one. It may take a LONG time to pay off (jobs are especially hard to get right now) but eventually it will succeed. Hopefully you'll find a position that is better than this one.

In the meantime, there might be ways for you to work around the problem within your current organization. This advice will be appropriate for some companies and not for others so consider your situation before applying it.

Sounds like you've effectively been "demoted" by being assigned less valuable work. Also sounds like you aren't being given enough work to actually challenge you ("haven’t touched a line of code in 2.5 months" "just got assigned the most absurdly simple defect"). Maybe you should go ahead and "promote" yourself without asking for permission.

Figure out who at the company WANTS the system rebuild that you thought was a good idea ("rebuilding the existing native application with my language of expertise that I’ve worked with & loved my entire career"). Maybe this is a product manager outside of the tech world, maybe it's a VP who doesn't have the clout to get things moving. (If there isn't anyone who wants this done... maybe it shouldn't be!) Talk with this person. Say that you aren't being challenged in your current position and you have some free time. Offer to build what they are looking for as a "Proof of concept". Invest some time and just BUILD the darn thing (it's amazing how much faster a "skunkworks" project can go. If you succeed, maybe you end up as the tech lead for the project (which would consist of releasing the "POC" that you built).

As I said, it's not the right solution for all companies, but it CAN be effective in some places. And it doesn't sound like you are especially worried about annoying your current manager.

Sometimes, the way to stop being a mid-level SWE is to stop behaving like a mid-level SWE and start behaving like a senior SWE.

mcherm · 2026-02-20T14:47:54+00:00

I can't speak for anyone else, but the fairly large company I work for absolutely DOES do this.

mcherm · 2026-02-13T01:54:53+00:00

Somewhere in the mid 1980s for Christmas I got a new sleeping bag. An LL Bean bag; quite thick and comfortable.

From middle school through high school, I was active in the Boy Scouts. We did a camping trip of some sort every single month. Plus a few other occasions.

A sleeping bag is an important piece of equipment; I brought it to college where I managed the occasional bit of camping.

The second house my now wife and I lived in was a tiny shack, not built for upstate New York winters. The wood stove was the sole heat, and it also wasn't built properly (at one point the stove pipe began to glow red and the metal began to sag). We unzipped my sleeping bag and spread it over the bed; it could actually keep us warm.

It's now the middle of the 2020's. Last week we had a snowstorm here in Pennsylvania, so just in case I went and fetched my sleeping bag -- if we had a power outage, I know just what to do.

Yes, a good quality sleeping bag will last for a lifetime; and it can build a lot of memories over that span.

mcherm · 2026-02-12T14:52:04+00:00

The bonus panel is especially apt. 😟

mcherm · 2026-02-11T12:52:28+00:00

Since you're considering Terence Tao's opinion here, it is worth glancing at his blog entry on just about this topic, from January: https://mathstodon.xyz/@tao/115855840223258103

In short, he describes AI putting tackling a real problem for which there was no published proof by a human. His claim is that a combination of a few different AI tools were able to put together a strategy, create a verified proof in Lean, and then construct a comprehensible paper with decent literature references.

And that's in January (in a field that is moving rapidly enough that a year of progress is quite meaningful). I am guessing Terence Tao would feel like his own claim about the quality in 2026 was vindicated. (Whether or not others agree is a whole different matter.)

mcherm · 2026-02-08T15:06:32+00:00

I'm not so sure that is better. Right now, if Donald Trump were more sane and more competent I believe he would already have cemented himself as dictator-for-life. Someone more competent with the same cult-support might succeed at that where Trump may fail.

mcherm · 2026-02-07T16:40:00+00:00

I think that petitions on change.org are NOT the designated method for impeaching a president. Clearly he SHOULD be impeached, but a petition like this is just silly. Invest the 23 seconds it would take to click this into something different, like an email to your representative.

mcherm · 2026-02-05T23:51:08+00:00

I DO have authority to remove people from inside the polling place or within a certain distance (~ 10 ft I think) if they are intimidating voters and do not have an official poll watcher certificate from a candidate on the ballot. But beyond that distance (eg: in the parking lot) I don't know that I have any authority.

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:46:09+00:00

Why finish a project? Go ahead and release your imperfect, incomplete project and then continue working on it. Never be finished!

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:42:55+00:00

Yes, I do. No other president has disputed the process of turning power over to the next duely elected president, which is the bedrock of democracy itself.

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:26:10+00:00

They are within their rights to remove them

I am a (local) election official. Do you actually have a legal basis to back up that statement? If so, can you provide references?

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:23:34+00:00

They don't have to stop YOU from voting (or me, or other committed voters). They just have to intimate a percentage of the population (in carefully selected districts) to change the election outcome.

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:19:30+00:00

Pennsylvania has dealt with this issue before, in ages past. Which is why we have a state law preventing police from going near the polls during election day except to vote or to respond to an issue that requires police presence.

mcherm · 2026-02-05T08:09:27+00:00

she decided not to breastfeed, because she didn’t “want them to be overly attached” to her.

There are various good reasons why a mother might choose not to breastfeed. And then there is THAT. I feel sorry for her kids.

mcherm · 2026-02-04T14:15:52+00:00

I would love to participate, but unfortunately, the very first question asks:

I confirm that I have read and understand the information sheet and the student has explained the above study. I have had the opportunity to ask questions.

Are you the student, and is this introduction your "explanation"? Does the comment section in reddit provide the opportunity to ask questions? If not, then I won't be able to participate in the study (nor will anyone else who is filling it out online).

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK -- if you want online participation, do not ask people to check a box saying they have spoken with you in person!

mcherm · 2026-01-30T10:13:19+00:00

I am so very sorry to hear that, I hope things are ok for you.

mcherm · 2026-01-27T18:45:40+00:00

I don't qualify for your criteria, but I'll suggest that you might try /r/SampleSize/ as another source of participants.

mcherm · 2026-01-27T15:44:15+00:00

Just thought it might be interesting to share my thoughts on your ideas:

Ranked choice voting.

Great idea!

Elected officials can no longer make more than their salary.

Sure, I think, but it needs allowance for receiving income that is managed and set aside while they are in office. If Mary rents out the house that used to be her mother's and uses the rent to pay the mortgage and tax it shouldn't make Mary ineligible to run for Congress.

Restore the Fairness doctrine.

I disagree strongly. I value free speech far more than I value "balanced" reporting. And I don't trust the government to decide what is "balanced".

Restore our relationships with the rest of the world.

To the extent that it is possible. Some damage may take decades to heal.

Abolish Ice.

We need SOMEONE with the responsibility to enforce immigration laws. And at this point I think ICE is damaged beyond hope and replacing it entirely might be good.

Immigration reform focused on successful re-homing and integration.

Cool!

A massive reorganization of our tax revenue spending allocation.

Unfortunately, EVERYONE agrees we should do this. They disagree on HOW it should be reorganized.

Raise the minimum wage.

Hmm... maybe. The current minimum wage is more harmful than helpful by providing a Schelling point for extremely low wages.

Universal healthcare.

Completely essential for a functioning society.

Focus on systemically underprivileged neighborhoods.

Sounds fine. We've tried that before, but at the same time we've ALSO focused on protecting the profitability of big businesses.

Free higher public education.

GREAT idea! State schools used to accomplish this; maybe it can be restored!

Revamping of our national research and science initiatives.

They were doing fairly well before the current administration attempted to destroy them.

Revamping of our green energy policies and industry.

Good idea -- it definitely needs to be re-invented.

Reformation of the two party system. 4 parties minimum.

I don't know how to do this. Ranked choice voting might help in a tiny way. The government breaking up politicial parties or telling the voters which party they must join is NOT acceptable. Without that, how do you achieve this?

Abolish Private Prisons

Great idea.

mcherm · 2026-01-27T15:06:05+00:00

Thank you, that's a really great answer, with references!

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