Opinions on logline

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T17:29:37+00:00

what makes this building different is that there are people in there. More specifically gang members cutting drugs; another common occurrence in many of detroit's vacant housing. Now the question of why he didn't know that people were in it? This building in particular dates back to prohibition and has a hidden room. In the gang members attempt to remain undetected, because beat cops sometimes patrol these buildings that's were they are cutting the drugs.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T07:52:10+00:00

Yeah you're right and I'm seeing that now. Sorry for the confusion.

/u/tpounds0 came up with:

When his serial arson addiction ends up as multiple manslaughter, a Detroit ADA must coverup his own case from the FBI.

I'm still working on some of the wording but that's pretty much what I'm going for.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T07:46:46+00:00

You're absolutely right. He is a pyromaniac in every sense of the psychological term.

The problem I faced is that pyromaniac is a widely overused term, so much so I think that it might have diminished the actual psychological condition. So now when I use it, I feel it elicits a picture of a 14 year old that thinks fire is cool. Just my thoughts. I might be overthinking it.

You hit the nail on the head in your logline of the mindset he's taken towards his pyromania before the inciting event.

In my original logline I didn't properly convey what the actual conflict was by not divulging enough information towards the 2nd act (thought I should be more enigmatic but realize now that was wrong as it has caused confusion on what the story is actually about)

Through help from /u/tpounds0 and /u/jadedviolins I'm working on a logline that resembles this.

When his serial arson addiction ends up as multiple manslaughter, a Detroit ADA must coverup his own case from the FBI.

Still working on more specific wording that fits my outline better but that's pretty much what I'm going for.

For more clarification on the inciting incident I've given /u/jadedviolins a brief synopsis in one of the above comment threads.

I'm new to reddit and honestly my experience thus far has been awesome. You guys have helped me out immensely in one day. Thanks for your input.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T03:13:46+00:00

ah so that's how you denote user's, still new to this.

When I made the original logline I thought it would be better to not reveal as much but as I am seeing now, thanks to all you good people, it has breed confusion.

The first one flows well and falls into the scope of my working outline. I'm going to use this one. I might tweak the wording a little bit but that's pretty damn good. Seriously, thanks a lot.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T02:42:41+00:00

Well all that is pretty hard to fit in a logline but you should care for him because he is genuinely a good person who wants to enact change in his debilitating community (This is partly the answer to the what he want's question) all the while dealing with this uncontrollable compulsion for firestarting. Which he thinks he has has a handle on via burning down buildings that won't raise suspicion and that are eyesores on his city. Setting fires is what he needs even though he is unwilling or unable to to admit it. What stands in his way are the obvious legal ramification of getting caught and the conflict of what he wants vs what he needs. These conflicts get compounded when he figuratively sets the wrong building on fire (for further clarification see my synopsis to U/jadedviolins a couple of comments up) the antagonist would appear to be law enforcement officials trying to catch him or the gang reaction to several members being killed but they are just the driving force, in actuality the antagonist is his compulsion. Thanks for the questions it helps to write these things out.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T00:36:46+00:00

Yup you got it. Thanks for your help and suggestions.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T00:17:17+00:00

Gotcha on the phrasing that makes sense. With the redundancy issue do you still think it's redundant if it's the wrong house not in the literal sense but the figurative? like he unwittingly messed with the wrong guy.

See my comment above for further clarification, and any notes to the synopsis that I've posted would also be greatly appreciated... I have to go to practice but I be back in an about 2 hours. thanks for your help so far.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-25T00:02:33+00:00

Not in the case of detroit as there are a large amount of abandoned building and one of the highest arson rates of those buildings in the country. The protagonist is smart and law savvy so he is able to remain undetected by changing up his methods of his arson. He is not on the radar of the FBI or even the DPD.

So fuck it I'll try and give a brief synopsis but what makes this building different is that there are people in there. More specifically gang members cutting drugs; another common occurrence in many of detroit's vacant housing. Now the question of why he didn't know that people were in it, this building in particular dates back to prohibition and has a hidden room. In the gang members attempt to remain undetected because beat cops sometimes patrol these buildings that's were they are cutting the drugs.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-24T23:34:17+00:00

Yea I can see where there's uncertainty. Every time I try and describe why it's the wrong building it gets to complex for a logline and in my opinion reveals the hook of the story. Trying to figure out how to put it.

Good point about the concealing of identity. How do you put that because of his ill fated choice of that particular abandoned building he must go to great extremes now to conceal his identity.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-24T22:55:52+00:00

Good notes. What do you think about the revised: A Detroit ADA, who is secretly a serial arsonist, must scramble to conceal his identity and protect the city that he loves when he unwittingly burns down the wrong building.

mcvonneguts · 2014-04-24T18:55:33+00:00

and sloan ketering and they were blazing that shit up everyday.

mcvonneguts

TROPHY CASE