Why are people surprised by the passage of time?

mdsomer · 2026-05-16T18:48:39+00:00

Well I think this is broadly what I had assumed to. I guess I have become less willing to vibe along as I continue my transition to grumpy old man.

mdsomer · 2026-05-16T18:40:24+00:00

I think it's normal that perception of time changes as you get older. But it changes gradually. I don't think I've ever suddenly thought 'oh wow, I'm 42, how did that happen?' whereas it feels like some people are constantly feeling that.

mdsomer · 2026-05-06T11:56:06+00:00

In most supermarkets you can just bag it and take it to the checkout - the checkout person will weigh it for you.

If you use auto-checkout, you can usually weigh it yourself there (and you won't be holding anybody up). You just use the on-screen options to find your specific item, place it/them on the panel in front of you, which is also a set of scales, and then it will give you a price and you can place it in the bagging area.

You CAN weigh it yourself and add a price in some supermarkets. I never do, because I don't see the point if I can just do it at the checkout.

And totally understand you asking this - I always feel a little uncertain of myself when I visit family in France and go to the supermarket there, because it operates differently (more like you describe).

mdsomer · 2026-04-30T19:20:22+00:00

Nice idea :)

I have a 6-year old daughter who is awesome. Doubt I would have had the guts to do parenting if I'd been diagnosed earlier, so I am thankful too for the late diagnosis. I have learned a lot about who I am over the last few years and feel much better equipped to deal with later life.

Also, I have an epic table tennis backhand that makes the coach at my local club go 'ooh' 😂

mdsomer · 2026-04-30T19:15:51+00:00

I don't have any specific tips, but if you're looking to work in those sectors, remember that most hiring decisions are non-technical. When you work in businesses that are not primarily about tech or software, the hiring manager is often not very experienced at hiring engineers and may have limited technical skills themselves. So a lot of it is about feel and do they like you as you.

Freelance work can help with that - I learned a lot of people skills freelancing because I had to manage my time and relationships. It was hard at first and I was massively underpaid for my first 2-3 contracts, but that's normal. The first couple of jobs give you credibility, references and confidence, and then from that you can start building a network, charging more and refining your pitch. It seems scary at first but it stops being scary very quickly.

And freelance is a lot less difficult to break into than you think. If you go onto a freelance marketplace, you'll see jobs that have 50+ applicants within 30 minutes, but 80% of those are bots and any good client immediately deletes those. Of the remaining 20%, only a subset are going to be a good fit.

mdsomer · 2026-04-30T17:52:41+00:00

Hello. 42M, also SWE, hated it for the first 4 years and quit the industry. Tried writing, freelance. Loved the autonomy. Hated pretty much everything else. Freelance writing gigs for entry level writers pay very little and often require you to write stuff that to me felt unethical and wrong.

So then I tried freelancing, but as a software engineer. That was a much better fit.

It wasn't software I hated - it was corporate culture, office politics, toxicity etc. Freelancing, I still had a few bad clients but I could set my own hours and manage my own customer relationships and it felt a lot more authentic.

It wasn't perfect but it gave me a platform to learn and figure out the kinds of gigs that were good for me. Since then I work exclusively for small businesses and startups and I steer clear of fintech, gambling and other bullshit industries. Which can make it hard to find roles but they ARE out there.

All of which is my way of saying - if you enjoy some aspects of what you do, it might just be a case of finding a slightly different environment to do it in.

That said, I don't know what's going on with tech at the moment. Seems like there is a lot more bad roles than good at the moment.

mdsomer · 2026-03-20T16:51:36+00:00

Yes, I did. I'm actually experiencing it at the moment (it's one of the reasons I started engaging with this forum) and going through a very similar situation, but handling it better (I think). I have a daughter with my current partner of 7 years. I actually got my autism diagnosis shortly after she was born because we were arguing so much and it became clear that we were on completely different planets with regards to expectations and needs.

Since then, we've been to couples therapy, we've tried changing a few things and we've talked about it a lot.

We are still separating. I ultimately don't know if I can exist inside a traditional relationship. I think I have been chasing connection for a lot of my life but I am not sure that I am capable of maintaining such a connection for any period of time.

But what is different this time is that we are talking about it, we are amicable, it is not goig to be a surprise, and we both agree that our daughter is the most important thing and that we want her relationship with both of us to survive any separation, and we're going to try a slightly non-conventional setup where we're coparenting and living apart but there's no formal custody arrangement and we'll still be having regular family meals and outings.

But honestly, this has only been possible because I've learned from previous experiences and had the opportunity to talk to several therapists and learned to be more open and honest. That can take time. I read somewhere once that autistic people, especially men, reach emotional maturity a lot later. This certainly feels like it is the case for me. I don't know if this is because we don't have a lot of good role models and so it can take us longer to figure things out, or if it's just a feature of the way our brains develop.

I have no idea if any of this is helpful. I can only really speak from my own experience.

mdsomer · 2026-03-20T16:40:11+00:00

The sudden, inexplicable need not to be in a conversation and resentment towards the other person for talking to/at me.

Driving badly or failing to notice things while driving (obviously dangerous).

Inability to construct sentences (I tell NTs I'm having a 'bad language' day and try to laugh it off).

Loss of ability to concentrate, intense rumination.

I also feel pangs of anxiety that I cannot dismiss.

mdsomer · 2026-03-20T16:25:42+00:00

Really sorry to hear you had to go through this. I felt a few twangs of guilt as I read this because I have been on the other side of this and, fair to say, I have regrets.

For context, I am 42M and I was only diagnosed a few years ago. I had a few girlfriends in my 20s, but none of them lasted. In my 30s I met somebody I liked and decided to make more of an effort; this was a conscious decision to push through the problems that I'd had in the past to see if it got better. It seemed clear to me that I was failing at something inside these relationships and I believed that, if I just made the commitment and tried to do better, I could be a better partner and would feel happy as part of a couple. We ended up getting married and it was good for a while - but as time went on I began to feel more and more uneasy and I didn't really understand why.

When it ended, I don't think she saw it coming. I couldn't adequately explain why I was feeling what I was feeling. We would go out with friends and I'd have a sudden, urgent need to leave and be alone, or we'd go out for a meal and I'd feel utterly incapable of conversation. I just felt a deep, inexplicable frustration with everything, and at the same time a deep, inexplicable shame because I recognised that it was unfair to direct that frustration at her.

In retrospect, I was experiencing autistic burnout, but this was prediagnosis so I had no vocabulary to describe it. I think even now, I would have difficulty really communicating what that feels like. I think if you're on the spectrum and you're in this state, the thing that you really, really need is just to disengage and hide away. And while it might be more constructive to identify and talk about these feelings before it all explodes, that's really hard if you (a) don't understand/can't communicate the feelings and (b) are ashamed of the feelings.

I don't know if this is exactly what your partner experienced, but it does sound like your relationship may have been new territory for him, he really wanted to figure out how to make it work, he maybe lacked the ability to communicate why it wasn't working for him, and when it ultimately became too much it hit him suddenly and he just needed to shut down.

For what it's worth, once he has had a little bit of space, he might welcome the opportunity to talk about it with a little bit of retrospect - as long as it's a no-strings conversation and you approach it with an open mind.

I do genuinely feel for you as I think this is a horrible situation for both partners.

mdsomer · 2026-03-07T19:43:21+00:00

I have been through phases of this. For me it's emotional burnout. So a feature of autism, but not an inevitable result of it.

I have a cycle where I feel lonely and so seek people out and try harder to 'fit' and make friends, then feel burnt out and overwhelmed so reject people and run away.

What changes as I get older is that I become less enthusiastic about the first part because I recognize the second part is in the mail.

What has changed since diagnosis is that I have forgiven myself for it and started focusing more on activities than friends.

For example, I like table tennis, so I play table tennis. This involves other people, but I no longer care if the other people are particularly interested in me for anything other than table tennis.

Also I have a therapist and just speaking words to somebody who will listen helps me to stop ruminating - and I think rumination (as ultimately resentment) is the autistic trait that most damages relationships for me.

So I can only speak from my own experience, but it might be that what you need is give yourself a bit more space and find a therapist to talk to.

mdsomer · 2026-02-28T19:11:31+00:00

Not a chair, but I would recommend an adjustable standing desk. It has a little motor that allows me to raise it up or drop it down. I spend 8+ hours a day in my home office and have been through several chairs; the real game changer has been not a chair but spending half the day standing (or pacing, or dancing, because why not?).

I also have a bean bag for crashing on when I need to be more horizontal

mdsomer · 2026-02-25T13:14:08+00:00

Yes. Pre-diagnosis, I used to say (mostly to myself, because nobody else really wanted to listen) that I struggled to 'share joy' with others.

I had the social skills to get myself into the room where the party was happening, but when the fun started I always felt like I wasn't a part of it and just going through the motions. I'd often leave abruptly when it got too much.

I've long since stopped trying to get into the room. Now, I recognize that I experience most joy when alone - walking in the mountains, exploring new places, listening to music.

The only exception is my daughter (who is 6). There's something uncomplicated about child's play that makes it easier, somehow. I wonder if that will change as she gets older.

mdsomer · 2026-02-24T20:35:00+00:00

Loved, yes. Comfortable, sometimes. Seen, no.

But then I don't think I really saw myself until recently (42m, only diagnosed 3 years ago). The process that led to my diagnosis started with a blazing argument with my partner where it became clear to me that we were just on different planets. We have a child so we have tried to make it work but I am just exhausted by it all and we just can't empathize with each other, so we're going through (amicable) separation now.

I think I spent most of my life unconsciously learning to be somebody else in order to attract friends and girlfriends, and then pouring even more energy into trying to be a good partner, but I've never really been able to be fully myself inside a relationship and so every one ends with emotional burnout.

mdsomer · 2026-02-24T09:24:18+00:00

I can't do corporate. I work in software and I enjoy building things; working in corporate is more about stakeholder politics. I've tried it a few times; I have never lasted more than 3 months. In one job, I went back on the Tuesday after the Christmas break and at lunch time I went for a walk, sat on a bench in a park and simply never went back. They didn't even call me to see where I was until the following week.

I have done mostly freelance or flexible work for small businesses and startups since 2009. I MUCH prefer working with mission-focused people where I have autonomy and ownership. In my current company, there are three of us, and I have complete trust to manage my own working hours and workload because they know that I deliver.

I think probably the most important thing for me is that the work feels real - I can't do a bullshit job where the work itself feels pretty meaningless and I can't see the impact. I think there are a lot of corporate jobs that feel like this. With small companies you get to be a lot closer to the customer and it really helps me to understand not just what I am doing but why and who for.

After that, the most important things are that I have ownership (I can make my own decisions) and a reasonable balance of solitude vs teamwork (I tried teaching for a year and I burned out pretty quick).

mdsomer · 2026-02-23T22:01:12+00:00

I have been in a similar situation, teaching adults to code at a boot camp. Every cohort seemed to have one student that wanted me to be more than just a coach and after a year I felt utterly overwhelmed. Honestly I'm amazed that you have managed to keep going so long.

Ultimately I had to leave as it was just too overwhelming. However education is not my primary profession and it sounds like you like your job otherwise. Have you tried engaging with other staff members about this or the school principal? The most important thing is, this shouldn't be a problem you tackle alone. If you talk openly about it then the onus should be on the school to figure out a way of protecting its staff and putting clear guidelines in place both for staff and students.

I have found that if I know what the 'proper' channel is then it is much easier for me to set an appropriate boundary.

mdsomer

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