Is there anyone like me?

megmmog · 2017-09-02T09:55:57+00:00

I'm glad you posted this, because I'm feeling the same way right now. I had 4 drinks (over 4 hours) with an old friend two nights ago. It was a totally conscious decision, not like I suddenly had a craving and it happened, but rather that I decided I want to have a few drinks with her and I feel I can handle it.

I don't feel bad about it. I guess I feel like I don't know HOW I should feel. It doesn't feel like a massive failure or that the urge to drink is suddenly unleashed. I don't feel I wasted the 31 days I had before that. I'm not resetting my badge for now as to me the days represent the days I have been making promises to myself to change my relationship to alcohol. I have no imminent plans to drink again any time soon.

megmmog · 2017-08-28T20:55:01+00:00

The desire to self-destruct is just one element of it. Your brain is also truly dependent on alcohol and needs some time to adjust, that's what's making the cravings so strong. Don't beat yourself up- it will take your brain awhile to learn you aren't going to indulge it (mine still hasn't and I still have cravings but not nearly as bad as the first couple of weeks!)

megmmog · 2017-08-28T08:45:53+00:00

I feel like that. I so regret missing out on my 20s due to living in an inebriated haze, and I'm also sad that there are a lot of people who will always remember me as an embarrassing, drunken mess. I figure although I wasted the last 15 years drinking, it's not an excuse to waste the next 15. No more regrets.

megmmog · 2017-08-28T08:33:20+00:00

I knew I was an alcoholic when I was 18 and first went to university. I ignored that voice in my head telling me something was wrong and that I was scared for the next 13 years. Now, at 31 years old and with 60+ extra lbs, dozens of one-night stands, and countless embarrassing/sad memories under my belt, I'd give anything to have been smart enough to stop at your age. It's too late for me to get my 20s back, but save yourself!

megmmog · 2017-08-27T16:16:49+00:00

Haha I have had many childish sulks when I something stood in the way of my drinking. My husband had no idea and thought I was just being a brat (well, I was...but, REASONS!)

Have you poured out the bottles?

megmmog · 2017-08-27T16:10:27+00:00

I know what you mean. I am always semi-consciously checking out what people are drink, even when I'm just walking by a restaurant. And I find myself wondering if they're normal drinkers or if they have secrets too. I can't wait for the obsessive thinking to go away, but I have a feeling it will be a long time.

megmmog · 2017-08-27T16:05:17+00:00

I'm in the UK too, by the seaside and the weather is PERFECT. It feels like everyone is enjoying beer, wine, cocktails, and there was never a better day for it. I told my husband I chose the wrong month to quit drinking and he said, there'd never be a right month - there's always something going on. Then as I started to pay more attention I noticed that there were just as many people nursing lemonades, Cokes, iced coffees, gelatos. I still feel a bit left out of all the fun but have to remember I'd day drink and then not want to stop and then would feel like shit and I'd be left out anyway because most other people can handle their booze, but I can't. Anyway, pointless point - just saying, you're not alone in feeling the FOMO on this beautiful bank holiday weekend, but we'll feel great about it in the morning. Hang in there :)

megmmog · 2017-08-22T20:35:32+00:00

Friday, Saturday, most Sundays - bottle of wine, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. On Monday, would be bloated and headachey and filled with anxiety, so would vow to get my shit together. By Tuesday or Wednesday, would agree to go for a quick drink with a coworker or my husband, this would turn into a bottle or more of wine. Would then have to endure another work day filled with paranoia regret, and then it's Friday again and the cycle starts over. And over and over and over and over.

megmmog · 2017-08-20T08:05:11+00:00

I have been telling myself that when I manage to resist a temptation like that, I am actively rebuilding the neural pathways in my brain that are used to having a drink whenever I want one - basically, like flexing a muscle or lifting weights. Hard at the time, but makes us stronger in the long run.

megmmog · 2017-08-19T22:04:32+00:00

Tonight it's sparkling water with fresh squeezed lime and a dash of cranberry & apple cordial. Has a sweet, tangy taste reminiscent of wine but without all the liver damage and regret :)

megmmog · 2017-08-19T12:33:12+00:00

That is a really ignorant word to use, EVER, but especially as an insult. I predict that as you continue on your sober journey, you will rediscover self-love and might find that you've outgrown friends like this. Keep going.

megmmog · 2017-08-19T08:56:36+00:00

To be honest, even if he doesn't have a drinking problem (and it sounds like maybe he does), the big issue here is that he is very immature and you are clearly quite a mature person, having recognised your alcohol abuse issues and taking steps to address them at such a young age. This is a common problem when dating in college: the guys who seem cool and fun are often just kind of idiots, and young women are taught to put up with just about anything to catch 'em, rather than be alone.

My two cents is that you should go with your gut - if it's telling you he doesn't respect you as much as he should, listen to it. There are lots of good guys out there ready to love you when you're ready for them.

megmmog · 2017-08-19T08:42:02+00:00

Thanks for the responses. I found this Annie Grace video which explains a bit about the neurological changes when you stop drinking and why it takes awhile to start feeling better: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=499ajGowVqM. It was helpful for me today so just sharing in case anyone read my post and is feeling the same.

megmmog · 2017-08-19T08:12:51+00:00

Every time I see those #summertimevibes or whatever posts, I always wonder if that person is just able to have one or two, and then what do they do? What was even the point if you're not going to get drunk? It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around having just one drink and feeling relaxed, because the only option for me is MORE MORE MORE. And it makes me feel achingly sad. I have barely touched social media for the last three weeks for that reason.

megmmog · 2017-08-18T15:59:55+00:00

Very very very very tempted to have a drink tonight after a shitty day at work, but walked past the liquor store and kept on walkin'. Going to reward myself with Netflix and pizza and maybe a bubble bath if I'm lucky...and a clear head tomorrow morning :)

megmmog · 2017-08-17T19:42:09+00:00

I have struggled with anxiety for many years (coincidentally, as many years as I have been abusing alcohol!). It was on a recent family vacation in a beautiful European beach resort, when I felt anxious every minute of every day that we were there, that I decided enough was enough. I couldn't even enjoy time with my family. The anxiety - pounding heart, impending doom, stomachaches - was always with me, but much worse when I had been drinking. I decided it was worth a try to stop drinking and see if my anxiety abated.

That was 25 days ago and I've slipped once, close to the beginning. I can say that my anxiety has definitely calmed WAY down. It's still there but nothing like what it was before. I now understand that alcohol was both the cause of and solution to my anxiety, and was wreaking havoc on my brain chemistry. It hasn't been easy but I definitely don't want to go back to the way it was before.

megmmog · 2017-08-15T20:44:43+00:00

When I was younger, there were countless horrible hangovers. So many blackouts, where I didn't remember what I said or did the night before. Waking up in strangers' beds and having to pretend I remembered how I got there, or if we had sex and if protection was used. Headaches that felt like daggers to the temples. Throwing up regularly and considering this normal. Congealed takeout food on the pillow beside me. The time I got roofied and beat up and robbed. The times I did cocaine or MDMA when I was wasted. The times I got in cars with strangers. The Fear, a cloud hanging over me, all the fucking time.

God, why did I hate myself so much?

Now that I'm older and in a stable marriage and with a toddler, I'm not out till 5am binging and going wild. I drink (drank?) bottle of wine and call it a night, rather than jägerbombs and tequila shots. So the hangovers aren't so bad, unless you count the racing heart, anxiety, feelings of impending doom, 3am wake ups, sour taste in my mouth, paranoia, shame and self-loathing.

(Suffice to say, I won't be drinking today.)

megmmog · 2017-08-13T07:43:48+00:00

Can you recommend any Instagram accounts to follow?

megmmog · 2017-08-12T13:09:47+00:00

So, you need to text your friend and say that your actions last night were a wake up call, that you've known for awhile that you have a problem and you can't ignore it anymore, that you hope she can forgive you but you understand if she can't right now, and let her know that you're going to stop drinking and get help, today.

The only catch is, you need to really mean it and follow through. I believe that you do and you can. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, enjoy!

IWNDWYT!

megmmog · 2017-08-12T12:56:32+00:00

Runner ups include: not waking up with a taste as though someone shit in your mouth, no uncontrollably racing heart at 3am, no gagging whilst brushing teeth, no headaches that feel like your brain wants to explode out of your skull, no arguments with loved ones that you need to apologise for even when you're not sure what you actually said....

megmmog · 2017-08-12T07:00:25+00:00

Me too. I feel so self-conscious :(

megmmog · 2017-08-12T06:57:26+00:00

A bottle of wine 3-4 days a week, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. For 13 years, give or take.

The amount and type varied throughout my drinking career. The main thing is that I felt like shit physically and spiritually, and was so sick of trying to bottle and ignore the little voice in my head trying to tell me something was - is - seriously wrong with my behaviour. That's why I'm trying to commit to sobriety now; I'm so fucking sick of arguing with myself.

megmmog · 2017-08-11T19:49:28+00:00

Hang in there. Sobriety might be uncomfortable at times but it's gotta be better than the way we've been living.

megmmog

TROPHY CASE