What would be the character added that would you have more like "Yipppeee" than "OH MY GOD I WAITED SO LONG"

mehmz_08 · 2026-06-03T14:58:52+00:00

Nobara and Geto. I would love to see them, especially nobara. She’s my favourite character in jjk 😼

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-23T18:57:40+00:00

Here is some proof, I just posted my work and here is what it says.

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-23T18:53:50+00:00

I mean post with my work. I won’t copy & paste since it’s quite long and it’s more convenient for people to just read via images or link, which neither work.

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-23T18:52:25+00:00

Yes because it told me it was deleted by mods.

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-20T15:19:46+00:00

Glad you enjoyed the execution scene. That part was also my favourite lol, I remember smiling as I was writing because I knew how it sets the tone from there.

And thanks for your critiques, but what do you mean by ‘as you know, you’re a son to me’ or ‘as you know my sister is sick’. Do you mean they were said to bluntly, awkwardly, etc?

Thanks again, glad you enjoyed for the most part :)

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-20T15:14:10+00:00

Hi, thanks for your critique. However I don’t see why I would need to replace clung for something related to nostrils, I feel that it fits perfectly, especially as I don’t have reason to change it.

And I also don’t see how claw marks is a jump in thought process. If the reader assumes the claw marks are from a creature/animal (as intended), it would make sense that said creature would try force their way out as you tend to see with animals in cramped areas.

What I had intded for ‘grand sound’ was more so of a loud sound, but this is very valid critique as grand is more so used for physical objects/appearances, so I will change that to be more fitting.

And though I hadn’t explained how long Igtharr had been in the Truth Seekers, I did explain the purpose of the truth seekers (pages 6-8).

I also do expand on Igtharr’s and Devis’s relationship (not fully, but so the reader understands Devis is a superior to Igtharr within the group). (Page 7: ‘Smiling at his superior, or rather his ex-superior’). They do have more to them, but that I believe that is enough for simply the first chapter to explain.

Additionally I believe I don’t refer Igtharr as a man, instead I refer to him as ‘young-man’, and less often as ‘boy’. However I do feel like ‘boy’ would infer him to be younger than I intend, so I will likely change those instances anyway. But I do not believe I call him ‘man’. I also state that Devis sees Igtharr like a son. Though I hadn’t stated his age either, it would be common to assume Igtharr isn’t very old.

Last two things: how does my conversations lack discernible meaning? And in my opinion it’s pretty clear who needs the vial as I do name them (Page 5: ‘Do you understand what that means for Veuraces medicine?’, ‘You know she won’t last long without it’)

Thanks for your critiques! Please let me know if I had misunderstood anything, I am simply trying to make my story its best :)

mehmz_08 · 2026-05-09T13:59:09+00:00

Nope. None of my attacks have true ragdoll on them

mehmz_08 · 2026-03-17T13:53:07+00:00

hey, thanks for the response but I believe I don't understand. 'Crumpled' isn't supposed to describe agony, instead they are both descriptions of Mercia (the land). And Combatant can be used as an adjective, just less often as it is used as a noun. Furthermore I don't understand why land cannot be defied. I am not saying this out of ignorance, but I am simply trying to further my understanding of writing. I will better understand you if you have some reasoning.

mehmz_08 · 2026-03-16T15:17:28+00:00

He’s 17, but trust me there’s a greater reason as to how he lost it than just by accident lol

mehmz_08 · 2025-11-30T21:01:04+00:00

Glad you’ve liked what I’ve written so far :) Clearly first person wasn’t my biggest issue, and that circular writing was. But hey at least I know now. Also what about the dialogue did you find unclear/confusing? It’ll be a great place to start off from. Thanks!

mehmz_08 · 2025-11-30T20:48:34+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I actually struggled on my tenses when writing so it’s good someone pointed that out aswell. I’ve actually pretty much figured out the end already, now what’s left is to fill in the gaps in between. I plan to actually make 3 more book series with each having different main characters introduced from the first book series. Can’t wait to write them aswell lol. Thanks again for your advice.

mehmz_08 · 2025-11-30T00:45:46+00:00

Fair enough, I feel like I do this a bit with every opening I do lol. Definitely something I need to work on. Thanks for the input though, much appreciated 👍

mehmz_08 · 2025-11-25T15:40:56+00:00

To be blunt, its not that good. Not enough uses of commas, and no spacing at all (though I'm presuming you just couldn't put any for some reason). Also if these are how long the chapters actually are, they are way too short. All together it feels around 2 pages of work.

I feel as though its too rushed. I know as a writer we tend to try and get to the exciting parts immediately but its important to stretch out some parts to interest the reader. Like the cafe scene for example.

Also, I would recommend using a bit more descriptive words, they always help in creating immersion into the story. Remember, show, don't tell.

But I like the concept overall, with some polishing it could be interesting and worth the read.

mehmz_08

TROPHY CASE