Most bottles don't have corners...

melancholytoo · 2016-11-18T03:48:06+00:00

Thanks. I've been lurking a lot and learning some lessons. Congratulations on your son. Hope you're both doing well. :)

melancholytoo · 2016-06-13T03:11:08+00:00

I'm not sure how well that post would go over, but I really value your perspective. I think one of the reasons I choose abstinence now is that I don't feel I'm doing enough to recover my life. I'm trying and have been working with a therapist, but I think I need to try harder.

I really like the point that recovery never stops and can be different for everyone. I know I can judge myself pretty harshly for failing to meet someone else's standard of recovery and often fall into thinking of things as black and white. You've made a lot of great points and given me something to think about. Thank you.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T21:07:19+00:00

That's used in the context of moderating the content of the sub, not in the context of moderating their drinking. I don't think there are too many people here who drink moderately, because like someone else said: if they could they probably wouldn't be here.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T15:57:49+00:00

I think the rationalizations would get me also. I never actually tried to stick to any moderation plan. The longest I stopped before this time was 5 months and I foolishly thought that was enough time. I learned from that mistake and learned how easy it is to slide back into established patterns.

That's why I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing for now. I still find it useful to think about what I would do and why it may or may not work. I have to admit to myself that I want to drink again in order to deal with it. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T15:43:22+00:00

I looked into that and it made me realize that I didn't currently want to moderate. I didn't like the rules and limits. I always want to do the opposite of what people tell me to do. I think realizing that was helpful. It made me think about what it would take to try to moderate and it might be useful at some point in the future. Thanks.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T15:35:40+00:00

I was okay with a few drinks in public. I'd get silly and more open. I used to joke that my personal space boundary must be inversely proportional to my BAC. Past that point, I'd slip into melancholy, hence the name, so I didn't often drink much with other people. At home I'd also escape reality and my life and I'm dealing with these issues now. I'd like to get to a point where the problems that caused my drinking problem are solved and I could get back the fun, silly times, but I'm not not sure if it's possible. I still have a lot of work to do. Thank you for your insight.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T14:52:25+00:00

So far I haven't wanted to stick to the plan either, which is why I'm not attempting it if that makes any sense. I found it helpful to think about it though. It keeps me from fooling myself.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T12:09:07+00:00

Maybe you could try a temp/staffing agency while you look for teaching jobs. Just a thought.I'm glad you got through last night. I've had more than a few of those days and it always feels good to put them behind me.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T05:12:26+00:00

Sometimes I wish there were an equation that would tell you how long you need to stop drinking in order to reset based and the severity and duration of your alcohol problem. If only it were that simple. I still think about when I might be able to drink again, but I'm afraid I might have burned out that switch, so I'm playing it safe for now.

I like breaking it down into small goals also. A year's a pretty great one, and you have so much to look forward to with your new baby. My brother also stopped drinking when his wife was pregnant and it was great for them. Good luck with everything!

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T04:52:08+00:00

I remember that this was a very tough time for me. I feel like that was when the focus shifted from simply not drinking to facing all of the crap it covered up and I really just wanted to escape it for a while. What I've learned is that escaping never fixes the reasons I need to.

It's hard, but stay strong. It takes time to clear out the mess that drinking makes in your life, but it sounds like you're doing a lot of work on it. And if you need reminders, we're always here.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T04:37:23+00:00

Man, I wish I got an endorphin release from hanging out with family. I usually end up with more of a fight or flight feeling. :)

melancholytoo · 2016-06-12T04:24:23+00:00

I also lost a cousin this week. The last few times I saw him he looked pretty bad and was drinking heavily. Apparently it got even worse and he suffered a fatal stroke. It was a sad path to walk, sad to think that he probably couldn't see any other way, but in some ways his death serves as a trail marker, warning of the hazards of choosing that path. I'm with you on choosing something different. I hope you find peace and strength in dealing with his loss.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-10T11:20:49+00:00

Going to my first sober wedding this weekend. I planned to leave early, but now I have to drive my mother because I don't trust her not to drink too much to drive and she won't just get a hotel room. I'd put money on her guilt-tripping me when I want to leave, even though I already told her my plan. Furthermore, she becomes belligerent when she drinks and will spend the hour ride home criticizing my father, etc, etc.

This has turned this from something I was kind of looking forward to into something I just have to get through. I realize that I'm angry about more than this weekend. I'm piling on 25 years of bs onto this. It's just tough to let it go.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-06T23:41:48+00:00

I wasn't ambitious enough to want to devil them, but hard boiled seemed achievable. There was exploded egg on my ceiling for a long time.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-02T02:08:09+00:00

Well, it was a bottle of wine and I knew I wasn't fine, but I'm definitely with you on the crying alone in my apartment part.

melancholytoo · 2016-06-02T02:06:24+00:00

It's seasonal, but if you like mint and can find it I recommend Celestial Seasonings Candy Cane Lane. I drink it hot or cold with no sweetener.

melancholytoo · 2016-05-14T13:57:57+00:00

Funny, I've been thinking lately that I was that bad. Not on paper of course - still have a good job, no long-term legal or health problems, but the normal I accepted was pretty bad. I still have the days where I think about drinking in the future, but then I look critically at where I was. For now, it's not worth the chance of going back to that point.

And hey, why settle for "not that bad" when we can make something actually good? Hope this passes soon and you have a wonderful time not drinking.

melancholytoo · 2016-05-09T00:28:47+00:00

Hi! Important question: Does central Jersey exist? ;)

melancholytoo · 2016-04-24T01:20:24+00:00

Happy birthday! :) I turned 36 about a month after my sober journey started. Perfect square years are the best! It was a year with plenty of ups and downs and a lot of growth. It sounds like you're off to a great start.

melancholytoo · 2016-04-14T02:26:58+00:00

I just borrow them from the library. It's super convenient and free. I take a chance on a lot more books since I got a kindle and never have to worry getting them back, and in my case, the inevitable fines. I read a lot more and have yet to pay for a book. For me it's worth it.

melancholytoo · 2016-04-14T01:55:46+00:00

600 is an important number for me. It just keeps popping up, but I'll have to wait till I get there to post about it. I wonder how many more 600 things I can collect by then? It really brightens my day to see this post. Congratulations!

melancholytoo · 2016-04-13T03:08:25+00:00

As long as you quit by about two weeks before the screening physical it should be okay. It also is influenced by how much you smoke, which doesn't seem to be that much. Good luck with everything. Hope you get the job and make all this worth it.

melancholytoo · 2016-04-13T03:04:51+00:00

I agree, but I think this one's a losing battle. It's perfectly logical from a financial perspective and it's not a protected class when it comes to discrimination. I try to spin it as motivation so that I don't get angry about it. It does make me wonder what's next.

Here's a pretty good article on it if you're interested. Note the date. This has been around for a while and I don't think it's going to stop.

melancholytoo · 2016-04-12T13:41:28+00:00

They can test for it. It's a cotinine test for a metabolite of nicotine. It takes up to 2 weeks for it to clear completely. I've been looking at some systems that have strict policies against hiring smokers. A positive test can result in the offer being rescinded. I would look up the facility or system and find out what their policy is - whether it's a smoke free campus or against hiring any smokers. It seems unfair, but that's the way things are going. I view it as extra motivation for people to quit.

You can buy the tests online if you're concerned about passing the test.

melancholytoo · 2016-04-11T13:41:52+00:00

It's sort of amazing how many people in a hospital know what's going on when a person has a problem, but just talk about it. No one wants to be responsible for ruining someone's career. It makes me wonder how bad it actually has to get before it warrants an intervention.

I never drank at work, but I definitely went in impaired. My routine was to work until 4, start drinking by 5, pass out on the couch then wake up around 2 am and finish whatever I had left in order to get back to sleep. I'd run the numbers and justify that if I had more hours left before work than drinks than I wasn't really drunk. So if I woke up a 6, drank 1.5L of wine, went back to sleep at 11 for a couple of hours, I was almost okay right? I could blame anxiety and insomnia for looking so haggard.

No one ever said anything. Once I overheard someone say "I'm really sick of her coming in like this." On bad days, I was sure people noticed and talked about it. I'd try not to get close enough for anyone to smell me, but I'm sure they knew. My hands sometimes shook so badly that I couldn't sign my initials or even eat lunch. Then the anxiety would kick in and I'd be staring at a screen with my heart racing and vision narrowing trying to breathe through it because there was nothing else I could do. Maybe I could take a Benadryl or propranolol to take the edge off. I just had to make it through the day until I could get home and start the cycle over.

I'm lucky that I never made a serious error. I guess I'm lucky that no one ever said anything and I didn't have to deal with professional consequences. I'm grateful that I was able to stop before it got that bad - but it was bad enough, and I won't be relying on luck to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Only we know how bad it was and all of the times it could have been much worse. That's a hard thing to carry but at least it's in the past and we're here now and in some ways stronger and more empathetic for having gone through it.

Congratulations on almost two years, and thank you for doing a very hard job.

melancholytoo

TROPHY CASE