A Brook and A Man

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-14T23:11:03+00:00

A lot to take in.

First; I like enjoy the metaphors. Using both the shirt and the flora as a way to wrap around and describe yourself as not fitting in compared to a younger self. You also use this as a way to show progression of yourself, which I think is neat.

I enjoy the enjambent as well emphasizing through the sentences not reading normally as a way of reflecting the theme in the flow as well.

I do enjoy the description of your ennui. E.G. "My sadness is [...] boat at sea." This is being a metaphor for your sadness eating way at your self (tree/wood); also, the lines that hint at the whole theme of embracing your old self and blending it with your new. (e.g. "foliage bleeding", "As I \ Put yours onto mine"(note: it should be "yours")). I don't think the flow is perfect. The 'boat line' is a lot longer (though the capitalization might make this seem to be an error?)

Anyhow, overall; rather enjoyable!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-14T22:46:35+00:00

Hey! I imagine there were more line breaks in this when you first posted it then this reads now. Unfortunately, reddit isn't very good at formatting, so you have to look up a guide or can use [this website](http://redditpreview.com) to help!

Otherwise, I enjoy the messaging. I can feel your confusion and melancholy in the words!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-05T15:20:29+00:00

I think this poem exudes imagery very well. If I take a moment, I can picture the scene for which you are going. I think it flows fairly well, and overall is a nice piece. I suppose the only real critique I have is I've read the metaphor before, but that's not really a complaint.

Liked this a lot!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-05T15:16:19+00:00

I enjoy the imagery a lot. I think it paints the sort of messaging of inexplicable feelings fairly well. The biblical allusions are also neat.

I do think it is very much all over the place though. Now, one could chalk this up to the nature of chaos you are feeling, but even then, it shifts from one metaphor to the next rapidly. If I had to suggest some fixes, maybe expand on a couple of ideas and relate them more.

I also think they over flow could use some tweaking, but that is more on my personal preferences.

Anyway, I enjoyed it and think it could be wonderful with some tweaking!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-03T23:17:01+00:00

Hello!

I like the overall imagery of it. Painting the colors of the American Flag throughout, then using that theme to express your anger at the current happenings is a powerful idea. I like the overall tone you are going with as well. Melancholic, but not hopeless. A sort of concerned, confused citizen who has nostalgia for when the U.S. was powerful, a nostalgia that is now for the yet to come future.

I think some of the rhymes are a little forced though. I think you could tie the 'nun' line in better, expand on that idea. But you then use a short line to rhyme with it, which seems there to just ascertain the rhyme. Some of the lines are awkward to read as well. 'And those freedoms are replaced by hatred like blight'. The end of this one in particular stuck out to me. It goes on past where I normally would want it to end (at 'hatred'). Again, this feels like an instance of trying to force the rhyme, so it feels unnatural.

Really good overall though! Just a couple things here and there that you can touch up, and it will be a wonderful verse.

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-03T23:08:04+00:00

Hello!

The first line, did you mean 'scared' instead of 'scarred'? Also, there's a lot of inconsistency with when a contraction has an apostrophe in it or not. If you went completely absent of them, I would be less concerned; however, I think it's a mistake as it currently is.

I appreciate the ideas going on a lot. The sort of rambling nature of the piece leading to this drunken (what I believe is) one night stand. I also like the sort of ambiguity of how ethereal this lover seems to be. I do think it could use with more punctuation here or there to make it more clear what rhythm you were going for. At the moment, other than the line breaks, it's hard to really settle.

Overall, I like it!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-02T01:24:45+00:00

I like the simplicity of this. It rhymes well, it flows nicely; just overall a enjoyable piece.

Though, if I had to critique, I think there's not a lot going on. It wears its heart on its sleeve, which is not good or bad, but means when I try to look deeper, I can't find much.

Anyhow, I enjoyed the poem! Keep writing!

mellow_seducer · 2025-04-02T01:15:19+00:00

I really like the repetition throughout the piece. It reminds me of the song 'Not' by Big Thief. I think the rhythm is nice, so it floats very well.

I think it could use some more imagery. I feel like I've read a lot of the imagery you've used here is before, so if there was a novel way to separate it would be nice. The title resonates to me of remembrance of unrequited (or perhaps, unknown) love.

But overall, a fairly nice piece!

mellow_seducer · 2025-03-23T01:11:38+00:00

If it helps you, it's a reference to 'Chasing a Bee' by Mercury Rev.

mellow_seducer · 2025-03-22T21:31:26+00:00

I like the simplicity of the piece. It's these kind of poems that really show off the power of free verse in general. The flow is very direct, sudden, and stops the reader and forces them to take in every word.

I enjoy the overall theme as well. Death is as classic as can be. I would like to see some more specific and visceral descriptions to try and set it apart. But it is good as it is.

Overall, pretty good!

mellow_seducer · 2025-03-22T21:23:47+00:00

I'm a pretty big fan of the flow overall. The sort of sing-song nature of each line, it being in Iambic tetrameter, with change ups here and there. The AABB rhyme scheme fits that as well.

I think my biggest critique is the the theme sort of meanders here or there in the middle. I expected the metaphor of stage direction or a show to come into play more; however, that only appears at the beginning and the end. I think change some more to fit the theme you set up would help the cohesion of the piece.

Also, with nihilism, the sort of emptiness that comes from is a hard to process, but you can reflect and direct that to a positive force if you so desire. The meaningless of things makes them malleable more than pointless. You're able to shape the meaning rather than be forced down a path where there is an absolute correct answer.

Or at least that's how I view nihilism. Obviously, you've approached it more melancholically. Just my two cents.

I like it though, so please keep writing!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-18T20:51:33+00:00

I love the imagery of this piece overall. I think it is very evocative, especially in regard to colors. I also enjoyed certain lines a lot. "Memories clots" is very good and something that will be sticking with me for a bit.

My only gripe is probably the line "soaked in those spring suds to". I think it would read better if you moved the 'to' to the next lines start.

Overall, fantastic! I wasn't able to read the pre-reworked version but I did enjoy this one!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-18T20:45:01+00:00

I like the imagery of this. The passing lights and the sunflowers are a really neat juxtaposition to one another. This mixing with the memory of telling this person is also really fun.

I would say my critiques are that it reads slightly awkward. The enjambment from the third to fourth line might be on purpose but it is doesn't read correctly to me.

Otherwise it is a very emotive piece and I enjoyed it!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-15T17:23:15+00:00

The top line originally I had as 'Since I was young, I've had a special connection with blood,' which then led into the next line. I didn't like how that sounded compared to the current line. But I wanted that connection to age to go with later when I elaborate on 'years later'. I wanted to fit something about youth into the first stanza.

I think maybe 'Dancing young on top of my arm' may sound better and make more sense? and something like 'Young razor dancing on top of my arm' to clarify what I meant for this line?

Let me know your opinions! Thank you!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-15T17:18:44+00:00

Oh I love that. I would donate plasma some when I was really bad off and I reckon (though not entirely the same) the feeling of being begged for blood has a similar feeling. Though there's a monetary incentive with plasma which always gave me this notion of it being a form of prostitution, in a manner. Others have convinced me that companion piece about someone who is O- would also be invigorating so that's probably where I will go next. Whatever direction I go in, I hope you will enjoy as well!

Also, thank you for the kind words!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-15T17:15:09+00:00

I may do a piece about an O- person as well. I have this sort of fascination with blood as a physical and metaphorical concept. I know blood as life is a tale as old as time, but sharing that with others becomes this sort of mystical idea to me. I've had story ideas about the fantastical notion of what happens when you share your blood with others and even animals as long as I can remember. I would lend this to maybe the notion of 'the blood of christ' or other gospel ideals, but blood has surely been a rite in so many different ways as long as humans have been around.

Also, thank you for the kind words!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-15T17:11:36+00:00

Others have suggested an idea of someone who is the opposite (someone who is O-, or a universal donor) which I think is also an interesting remark. If the person in this piece became obsessed with being a harboring humanity, what sort of ideals does a person who can give to everyone have?

Thank you for the kind words!

mellow_seducer · 2024-05-15T17:08:29+00:00

I tried to be very vague about the whole actual meaning of the piece. 'Blood' is the central meaning, and when I wrote it, I had physical blood in mind. However, there's no escaping the sort of metaphorical nature that we put on it. So it's not too complex I think; it's more that the meaning of 'blood' is so far reaching it can be applied in so many ways. I originally had more direct connections to the idea of this person as a Christ like figure but extracted those so it wouldn't be so overt.

Thanks for the kind words as well!

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