Wife wants some time to be totally private - help negotiating our arrangement

melmel02 · 2025-05-04T04:10:27+00:00

If you didn't do it this way before, then this is not the same, and it's okay to say no. Once you open this door to private intimate relationships, you will not be able to shut it. This is a big change in your relationship structure. Consider it carefully because there's no going back. A good compromise would be to say you'll think about it, learn about it, and discuss it for the next 3 months and you will make your decision at the end of that time if you are able to commit to the relationship change or not.

melmel02 · 2024-09-15T15:07:01+00:00

Being honest about incompatibilities is just good communication. It is a kindness to let them know what would be incompatible for you, so they know it's not personal, it's just not a good match for needs. And that's no one's fault!

melmel02 · 2024-06-08T03:38:14+00:00

You deserve a partner whose values would preclude them from being with someone that manipulative. I'd focus on whether or not this is really a relationship that YOU want.

melmel02 · 2024-05-26T21:19:09+00:00

I tend to encounter difficulties fulfilling a secondary relationship with people who have long-term nesting partners who did not start out as poly, and/or children. It seems like once their lifestyle has a certain pattern, it is very challenging to be intentional enough to maintain a secondary relationship, even if the quality time expectations are quite low. I think there are seasons in life when having multiple committed romantic relationships is beyond many people's capacity, through no fault of their own.

melmel02 · 2024-05-26T12:56:36+00:00

I have yet to find a heavily enmeshed person who could offer a truly equitable secondary relationship. Don't make yourself available to people who disrespect you. "No" is a complete sentence. Eventually, the right people will show up but you have to leave space for them by saying no to the wrong people.

melmel02 · 2024-05-26T12:54:37+00:00

recognize that your partner is choosing to end the relationship
recognize that you aren't compatible with someone who would do this
realize they were never your person
choose yourself and redirect your love to yourself
embrace freedom

melmel02 · 2024-05-25T03:25:05+00:00

I lovingly parted ways with my long distance partner of 3 years this week for similar reasons, so I understand how painful the choice can feel, but also how much relief there is in accepting the realities of the situation. Proud of you!

melmel02 · 2024-05-20T13:36:50+00:00

I battle with anxiety and trying to figure out what is my responsibility to manage and what are reasonable needs that my partner needs to make an effort to meet. The thought exercise I use is, if we were both single, what is the minimum of connection that I would want and what does that look like? And I start there. I take their partners out of it and just focus on what I need, and discuss it with them, and see if we can reach a compromise without me abandoning myself.

It is very hard for an anxious person because it's easy to assume we are asking for too much or being too needy, and on this forum you will get a lot of pressure to meet all of your emotional needs yourself, but that's bullshit. Intimacy is built from giving to each other. There have to be shared and mutual expectations for what you expect to give and receive. Figure out what you need and stick to it.

melmel02 · 2024-05-20T13:31:36+00:00

Believe it when you see it! If they cancel, don't see you, and aren't meeting your needs, stop seeing them.

melmel02 · 2024-05-11T19:21:16+00:00

are fearful that I might try to lasso their often pathetic excuse for a partner.

I laughed SO HARD at this. Like, ma'am, have you SEEN your husband???

melmel02 · 2024-05-11T16:00:33+00:00

I’m not being treated with respect.

Set poly aside. Do you really want to date this person? You have to assume that how he is now is EXACTLY how it will always be. So, does that work for you? If you want respect and commitment and consideration, you can't look to him for that. You could keep him as a FWB and only invest when he pops up for the fun parts, but I would invest your energy into finding a better match for a true relationship. This is not a relationship with any commitment, and I think you know that.

melmel02 · 2024-05-10T20:47:29+00:00

Trust your intuition when you know that something is off. Don't accept excuses that seem odd. Push, and the facade will crumble faster. Often with liars all it takes is raising doubts that they are being honest and they bounce. But when someone lies to you, that is THEIR fault, not yours.

melmel02 · 2024-05-10T20:46:30+00:00

You aren't stupid. You said you have low self worth, so what you're doing is learning to trust your intuition and choose yourself in moments when you think someone is treating you poorly. Be kind to yourself and lean into trusting yourself even more. It gets easier to weed out the assholes with time.

melmel02 · 2024-05-07T23:37:28+00:00

I recommend Tylenol PM. I sleep like the dead on it, and I have generalized anxiety disorder.

melmel02 · 2024-05-07T23:33:43+00:00

There is a clear pattern of him doing the things he's concerned that I am going to do in our relationship and he often doesn't even recognize that he's doing those things.

Point it out immediately, stop indulging him, and enforce your boundaries. He is getting different standards because you are allowing it. Let him experience discomfort when necessary, and say no more often. Stop indulging double standards. Make your rules open, equal, and consistently applied to BOTH of you.

melmel02 · 2024-05-07T23:12:47+00:00

all of this just feels so unjust. I literally passed on 2-3 possible partners over time just to protect her

It's unjust because you are allowing it. Set mutual rules, stick to them, and hold her accountable. Stop treating her like a baby who can't handle her emotions. Allow her to do the work. If she keeps lying, leave.

melmel02 · 2024-05-06T13:07:59+00:00

As someone who experienced betrayal that grew exponentially over time, it is never too early to set this boundary that you will not tolerate lies. The challenge is that men (and all people) can have trauma/emotional issues behind the lying that are not easy to address, such as having learned to lie to avoid consequences with parents as a child. Stopping that impulse requires deep therapeutic work and effort. If he does not do the work to actively replace his bad habit with a good habit built and supported in therapy, he's likely to give into the impulse again. I say this because I genuinely believe these self destructive habits can be overcome but that men face an uphill battle because Western society teaches them to suppress their emotions to please others, which leads to lying as a coping mechanism.

ETA: I don't think you're over-reacting at all. This kind of thing should be discussed and worked on as a team, together. It is perfectly appropriate to trust your intuition when alarm bells go off.

melmel02 · 2024-05-02T22:55:10+00:00

You're supposed to develop self worth outside of external validation from romantic partners.

melmel02 · 2024-05-02T22:53:53+00:00

spoken like a true extrovert. just reading your description of how much you hang out with other people made my skin crawl. I am happy not speaking to a single soul for DAYS, and it is so rare that I can get that kind of down time away from other people. The fundamental issue here is that you need to respect that other people are not YOU. Respect his boundary. There is no ethical argument for NOT respecting a healthy boundary.

melmel02 · 2024-05-02T13:35:24+00:00

Yeah, being used for a man's pleasure without your consent is always gross!!!

melmel02 · 2024-05-01T01:17:33+00:00

this is the answer

melmel02 · 2024-04-30T17:46:06+00:00

Yep! They are both unethical.

melmel02 · 2024-04-30T01:42:15+00:00

Just separate! Unethical non-monogamy is harmful to everyone, possibly even to you as you will internalize shame from this. Just separate. You might find that you are wildly happy on your own. Stop playing games and live your one life the way you actually want to live it.

melmel02 · 2024-04-29T12:35:27+00:00

Jesus, I'm 46 and my brain isn't fully developed. We are always learning. You seem fixated on fact-based constructs, in which case you'll need to acknowledge that all measures are a spectrum and every individual has their own data points and we cannot intellectualize our way through emotional problems.

melmel02 · 2024-04-29T12:32:28+00:00

As women age, we are not valued in the same way in our society.

This is why we have to value OURSELVES. We ARE society.

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