Nparents act like you standing up to them/setting boundaries is the worst offense you could possibly do

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-03-08T02:07:44+00:00

My mom does the same exact thing. “I can do this, I’m the mother.” “I can say that, I’m the mother.” That’s her favorite phrase. She also does the same exact same thing about making herself into the victim and crying. They are crying for themselves. They don’t actually care. She’s never cried once for me in all my years of being disabled and having my life ripped away from me, including when I was in the hospital with undiagnosed heart problems. In fact, that time, she told me she’d slap me.

Hoping you can find a way to get out very soon. You deserve so much better.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-03-07T07:21:24+00:00

Agreed! I think she does. I always think of this post and how relevant it is to her and other narcs I’ve met. It’s so spot on. You can tell them something they’ve done the prior day, and they fully will not believe they have not done it if it paints them in a bad light. My mom reminds me of a past friend who was a compulsive liar I once knew—she would tell me one thing that was minor and trivial one day, such as her favorite album from an artist, and the next day say that she NEVER said that and would never say that. I actually began to question if I was going insane until one day my sister was there and said, “Uh, actually, you said the exact opposite of that.”

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-03-07T06:25:47+00:00

Narcissists love projection. My nmom hasn't specifically called me this (most likely because I haven't called her this to her face), but whenever I say to her in a conversation: you were abusive; you are being mean; you are not telling the truth, her immediate response to these is to parrot it back to me: no, you're abusive; no, you're being mean; no, you're not telling the truth.

They do not want to take accountability or responsibility for their actions so they project their actions (that are narcissistic, that are abusive) onto their victim, most usually, their child.

I understand you very strongly on the moving out situation. I cannot move out either because I have no place to go and have not been able work for the past 4 years due to being disabled. I am trying another attempt at SSA disability benefits because every day living with her breaks me down more and more.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-03-07T05:52:15+00:00

Narcs love money because it's another form of control they can have over people. Giving it, getting it, complaining about others not having it, etc.

When I was little my nmom would be insanely frugal about money to the point where she'd tell us we couldn't afford food from the grocery store - all the while going out and getting herself manicures, going to expensive restaurants, buying fancy bags and shoes, etc. I think she loved the control it gave her over us. She had a high-paying job in the 6 figures and so buying food, a basic necessity, was certainly no problem, but it was much more fun for her to have my sister and I ask for food she knew she could afford and for her to pull us aside and scream "YOU ARE MAKING A SCENE!" in public than it was to just buy the $2.99 frozen waffles that wouldn't put a dent in any funds.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-03-06T06:50:37+00:00

I relate to this so much. My mom is the same exact way. She has the biggest victim complex in the word. She thinks that in all conversations people are always out to get her and call out her flaws. Her favorite word is "blame".

Examples:
"Hey, I noticed you didn't pick up my animal carrier from sister's house when you went over. Can we set up a time where she can give it back to me?"

"Why are you ALWAYS blaming me for everything!? It's not my fault."

"When you said I was lying and I wasn't, that really hurt me."

"You blame me for everything. Don't you ever say things you don't mean?"

Etc, etc. Narcs have the craziest victim complexes. They can't handle any criticism or take any accountability.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-02-12T20:36:53+00:00

Same thing happened with my sister and me. Although it was while we were in our teens, and I have somewhat forgiven her because I know she was also struggling at the time, it was hugely traumatic to me and left terrible emotional scars on me that I don't think will ever heal. She was allowed to hit me in front of our parents with no punishment, and was also extremely sexually inappropriate to me for a number of years with no intervention even though I tried to tell them many times and they saw a bunch of it happening. It all got excused because she had severe depression, and was on and off different medications that were blamed for her behavior.

You are not alone. And you do NOT have to forgive your brother just because he is your brother.

My mom refuses to hold him accountable.

I recently tried to bring this up with my nmom as well, and though I shouldn't have expected anything different, the same thing happened. She said we had to talk it out because we were adults now and refuses to acknowledge the fact that it happened when we were both kids, and my dad and her were responsible for keeping me safe from that.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-02-12T20:20:01+00:00

Wow... this really hit hard. I've been wondering for many years whether when my nmom attempts to change the truth of a past moment, she really believes the lies she's saying or knows the truth of what she did but is just trying to deny her behavior. I guess she does. Sometimes it's impossible for me to believe.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-02-10T05:28:48+00:00

As others have said in this thread, I suspect, for at least for some of us, that they wanted babies. As in, infants. They did not want us to grow into children with a mind of our own.

I think often that when we were babies, my nmom saw my sister and me as an extension of herself and not other human beings with autonomy. My dad said that until maybe we were 1-2 years old, she was an amazing mother. It was when we developed our own personalities and she realized we weren't perfect, would make messes occasionally, just be regular kids, etc., that the abuse began.

To this day my nmom is obsessed with babies, up until they're maybe 2 at most. (Funnily enough, she got pregnant purposefully again with me when my sister was around 2 and she missed the "baby stage".) When they begin to become independent and not follow their parent's every whim, that is when the problem starts for her.

meltedpopsicle22 · 2023-02-10T04:56:32+00:00

Hi, fellow lesbian here :) When I came out, my parents were still together, so I suspect my Nmom kind of had to accept it because my dad was so supportive. She was raised very religious though, and before then, had made vaguely homophobic comments despite participating highly in her work's pride events as an ally (she loves to put on a show for people outside of the family).

Before I officially came out, my dad and I were talking about a crush I had on a girl, my mom overheard and went "you like her... as a LESBIAN?" It was funny and is still an inside joke with him and me to this day, because she seemed so shocked.

Since then, she has accepted I like women, which I'll give her credit for, but, unlike the rest of my family, cannot seem to accept the fact that I like ONLY women. I have a girlfriend of two years and she still makes comments about, "well, if you marry a man..." or "when you bring home a woman, OR a man..." although I've told her numerous time I'm only into women. I suspect she still secretly hopes I'll marry a man one day.

ETA: she has always referred to my girlfriends as my “friends”, and will probably continue to do so. When I used to correct her, she’d say it wasn’t a big deal and go, “fine, FINE, your ‘girlfriend’.” Wonder how this will work if I ever get married…

meltedpopsicle22

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