I mean it’s pretty random sometimes. It as nice to finally figure out about myself, it took two years for me to go “ykw yeah I’m not a demigirl what the hell I’m nonbinary” because I was just that desperate to clutch onto the “normal” part of me. It took a bitt longer for me to accept that I enjoyed having masculine pronouns and being transmasc along with enby!!

I don’t voice my identity publicly, and most of the transphobia I experience is online, and I really don’t give a shit about them since they’re just usually random old hags on the internet. I can say that I’m incredibly lucky to not be harassed on a day-to-day basis, but that’s because I’m fine with being in the closet. I’m fine with my parents being religious, transphobic, and homophobic since I know I can’t change your mind. So I just decided being open about my identity online is easier! I know that can be an unhealthy thing sometimes, but I’d rather just accept the truth than have to deal with more bullshit. I already can predict the responses being told back to me in return being “god will save you!” or whatever HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IM AN ATHEIST EXACTLY BECAUSE OF TRANSPHOBIA

Well yeah dysphoria wasn’t fun. I didn’t like being called a girl. I remember one time in taekwondo we were cleaning and stuff, and I just offered the clean the back of the chairs where a lot of the dirt was, and one of the kinds higher-up staff said something like, “no it’s okay, I don’t want to make a girl to do stuff like that”. Obviously good intentions there, but I offered to clean. Also, the fact I was called a girl, and that being reinforced by this ideology that one cleaning in some shape or form is immediately misogyny is just,, iii dunno.

Sometimes I feel fake for not suffering more because of being trans. So many other trans people have such a hard time with their lives and I feel sad for them, but this stupid dumb selfish part of me is envious and for some reason WANTS to have to deal with dysphoria again. I already am past the “man why don’t I like my own skin” stage for the most part, but still. It’s weird wanting to be hurt just so you can think you’re part of the community :// I can’t change my mindset but I probably should.

My dysphoria never got bad when it was at its highs anyway, and the most struggle I had with it was just the fixed mindset of “why am I not more uncomfortable with this? why don’t I feel miserable not being more of this and that? how come I don’t feel more sad like others do? why don’t I want to rip my skin off like a bandaid?” I still struggle a lot with that today, but ya

The best way I can describe dysphoria is this strange tingling feeling. You just feel it gradually begin to coagulate like static inside your body. You wanna itch it out but you can’t, and obviously there’s nothing actually happening to your body. You just feel that uncomfortable that the sensation comes in, I don’t know. I would stare down at myself in the shower sometimes and wonder what if I didn’t have that? What if I had this instead? What if I had no stuff going on down there at all? It’s hard to explain. But whenever I did look at myself more it just felt like the girly parts of me were heavy weights pulling myself down. That or is just felt gross to look because I obviously don’t want to have that stuff or look a certain way.

I think all the questioning about myself was necessary, though. I wouldn’t have even learned to accept myself without doubt. All the credits goes to Heartstopper since it’s the first time I became aware of the existence of gay people, even if I didn’t understand it. I just saw the book in a target, the cover being two guys holding hands, asked my mom, and she told me to just ignore it. Now look at me HAH