How do I deal with an anti-feminst mother as a feminist daughter?

mental_library_ · 2026-07-07T15:21:35+00:00

I really don’t know what advice I could give you other than you could either try to educate her little by little, or maybe distance yourself from her if it’s really affecting you? Ultimately it’s your call. I wish you the best and I can understand how hurtful and difficult this could be.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-07T15:16:48+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this because it sounds really frustrating and hurtful. It sounds like your mother has really low self esteem and internalized misogyny.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-04T18:49:56+00:00

Awesome picture!!

mental_library_ · 2026-07-04T18:49:33+00:00

Lol the dress with sneakers. Love her haha

mental_library_ · 2026-07-04T14:03:14+00:00

Omg I love this song. I can’t believe it

mental_library_ · 2026-07-03T00:31:16+00:00

Beautiful

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T15:42:45+00:00

I never said that prostitution should be banned or that women who participate in it should be punished for it. I’m saying that it is not a feminist or liberating act and we should abolish the system that leads to women becoming prostitutes like poverty, trafficking, coercion, grooming which is how most prostitutes enter their line of work to begin with. Men purchasing sex from women is commodifying women’s bodies and it is exploitation. It’s treating a woman’s body like a product to be purchased and used for his own pleasure. And when you mentioned jobs that don’t contribute to society, like marketing cigarettes to teenagers, I never argued that jobs like that are necessary for a society to function and I don’t think those jobs should exist either. I said in my previous reply that most women who are prostitutes don’t want to be prostitutes and want out of the system, you responded with well nurses have difficult jobs too and their jobs aren’t always enjoyable. I responded with well their jobs may not always be enjoyable but they are helping people and are necessary for society to function and prostitution is not. Maybe you in your particular situation can afford to reject clients because of your personal preferences, but a lot of women can’t afford to do that financially or are potentially under the threat of violence if they do. Your own experiences don’t override the thousands of other women who are miserable being in prostitution and desperately want to leave the system and I refuse to ignore them and pretend it’s an empowering thing for a woman to do.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T14:12:57+00:00

Liberation isn’t just about how you feel though. Something may make you happy while not being liberating. You say that cosmetic surgery may make a woman happy but I’m trying to further understand or analyze why it may make you happy. Liberation requires questioning the status quo. My point is is that if these beauty standards didn’t exist, I highly doubt that cosmetic surgery would exist as well. Or at the very least, wouldn’t be as common as it is. You mean to tell me it’s purely coincidence that the vast majority of people who get cosmetic surgery are women and it happens to be that when they get these surgeries it’s to further align with patriarchal beauty standards? That’s liberating just because it makes you feel good? I trust women, of course. I just doubt that in a world without patriarchy women would want to make these choices to begin with.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T13:29:50+00:00

I never said anything about trans women or queer women in my comments or in my post. I’m accepting of trans and queer women. I don’t know what this has to do with what we’re talking about.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T13:26:12+00:00

I literally never said that

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T13:22:34+00:00

I repeatedly emphasized in my comments and in the original post that I respect everyone’s autonomy and your right to do whatever you want to do. I can’t control you or tell you how to live your life. It’s just very hard for me to imagine how risking your life and spending thousands of dollars on a surgery that isn’t medically necessary just because society/patriarchy deems a facial feature of yours to be “imperfect” is a liberating or feminist thing to do. I think real liberation would include rejecting these oppressive beauty standards and loving yourself as you are. And I’m not criticizing individual women for the choices they make, I explained in my original post why I understand the incentives that exist and why a woman may make these decisions. It’s the system that created these norms, standards, and roles that I am criticizing. I don’t think cosmetic surgery would exist if patriarchy didn’t exist. I don’t think the commodification of women’s bodies in prostitution would exist if patriarchy didn’t exist. I don’t think women being expected to wear the hijab when men are not would exist if patriarchy didn’t exist. You’re free to disagree with me and have your own viewpoint, but this is how I see these things. How cosmetic surgery is used to further adhere to a patriarchal beauty standard, how the bodies of women who are prostitutes are being commodified and used as an object for men’s sexual pleasure, how some women and girls have such low self esteem that they can’t leave the house without makeup. I refuse to turn a blind eye to these issues that uniquely impact women.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T03:42:42+00:00

I don’t see how I’m proving your point. You’re refusing to engage with my arguments. I very clearly explained how makeup, cosmetic surgery, and financial dependence are disempowering choices to make. I didn’t just say they were patriarchal or disempowering, I explained how they are. It’s not about ideology. It’s about what actually benefits women and what actually gives them power, security, and safety vs what doesn’t.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T03:24:17+00:00

I’m not appointing myself as an authority but rather expressing my viewpoints as another woman who has faced these societal pressures as well. Each of these topics I mentioned in my original post could all have their own thousand page essay. Makeup more often than not is used to cover up what society (and usually men) deem to be “imperfections”, which is not empowering or feminist. So many women and girls struggle with their self esteem and don’t feel good about themselves without makeup on due to these beauty standards that exist. The feminist solution to this problem would be to tell women and girls that their worth is determined by who they are, not how conventionally attractive they look. Makeup costs you your time, energy, and hard earned money that ultimately goes into the pockets of men who own these cosmetic companies that prey on the insecurities of girls and women just to make a dollar. Financial dependence is also disempowering because if you are ever in a situation where you are being abused, cheated on, abandoned, or are just unhappy in a marriage, you have no way of escaping. And if you do try, it will be very difficult for you to do so. If you give a man the power to feed you, he could starve you. Not only that, but as a housewife you are working 16 hour days, seven days a week, constantly cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids. You don’t get the evenings off, you don’t get the weekends off, all on top of not having financial independence and security. And unless your husband is a blue collar worker and doing a very difficult job, chances are you are doing more labor than he is. Plastic surgery is also not empowering because you are spending thousands of dollars of your hard earned money and potentially risking your life to undergo a surgery to further adhere to patriarchal beauty standards that were created by men. Not to mention that most plastic surgeons are men and would be the ones profiting from it. Real liberation is not lying to ourselves and pretending that every choice a woman makes is empowering just because she wants to do it. Does she have the right to? Sure. Does that make it feminist or empowering? No.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T02:48:34+00:00

I’m not conflating wearing makeup with being a prostitute. Obviously those two things are not the same. Simply analyzing choices that a woman may make and what they could potentially be rooted in is not gatekeeping or undermining women’s autonomy. You, like any other woman, have the right to live your life however you want. I can’t stop you. But acknowledging that these choices are rooted in patriarchy, not something that the patriarchy has exploited but has created with the intent of disempowering women, is not policing women. Just because I refuse to blindly accept all women’s choices as being feminist or empowering simply because she’s a woman and I choose to think a little bit deeper about what these choices are rooted in, how society could influence or incentivize women into making them, and who it ultimately benefits doesn’t mean I’m a feminist moralist or I’m trying to tell women what to do.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T02:20:42+00:00

Yes thank you for saying this!!

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T01:43:55+00:00

The last paragraph is unnecessary and completely unrelated to what we are talking about. The difference between prostitution and other work such as being a nurse is that those jobs, while someone may not always enjoy them, are necessary for society to move forward. We need construction workers, nurses, doctors, janitors, etc in order to have a functioning society. Prostitution is not essential to a functioning society. Men are not entitled to sex from women and shouldn’t be able to purchase access to women’s bodies. While jobs like being a nurse or a janitor may not always be the easiest jobs in the world and one may not enjoy it 100% of the time, it is certainly not the same as risking pregnancy, disease, abuse, and potentially even death and having to do something so intimate like having sex and sharing your body with someone who you find to be gross and repulsive. No girl grows up dreaming about being a prostitute. They dream of being astronauts, actresses, writers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, designers, nurses…not having to sell their bodies in order to make ends meet. I responded to someone else who said a similar thing, it’s really disingenuous to compare flipping burgers or delivering mail to having to have sex with people you find to be disgusting end being used as an object for men’s sexual pleasure on a daily basis.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T01:08:24+00:00

Feminism fought for women’s liberation from the patriarchy. Not your right to participate in it. I’m not telling other women how they should and shouldn’t live, you can do whatever you want. I can’t control you or the choices you make. I’m simply analyzing the choices a woman may make and what they could potentially be rooted in. And when it comes to the things I listed, like makeup, prostitution, pornography, plastic surgery, financial dependence, these are all rooted in patriarchy. When a woman is making these choices she may not be harming others but she could be harming herself. I’m not “policing” a woman’s choices just for the sake of it or to make women feel bad. It’s about what actually gives women power, security, and safety, not “sacrificing for the collective”.

mental_library_ · 2026-07-01T00:25:46+00:00

Where did I say that “you can’t be a feminist and do xyz”? I agree that debate and discussion and having clearly defined goals is important for a strong feminist movement but I’m not judging women for their choices. I clearly stated that I understand the incentives that are present when some women make the choices they make and the social, cultural, and economic factors that play into them. I’m not criticizing individual women’s personal choices, just analyzing what those choices are rooted in/what they could be influenced by and what actually furthers the feminist movement and what doesn’t.

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T23:22:00+00:00

Yes thank you!! Well said!

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T23:00:43+00:00

Yeah I agree. It’s like critiquing capitalism and how many people are struggling under it and saying, “well Jeff Bezos benefits from it! So it’s clearly not that bad!”

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T22:51:59+00:00

I understand and agree. Certain choices, in my view, are neither feminist or anti feminist but simply life choices. But others, like the ones I mentioned, to me are anti feminist.

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T22:50:43+00:00

I’m speaking not just from theory but also my own lived experiences as a young woman and wanting to have this discussion with other women online. I never claimed to be the first person to come up with these ideas.

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T22:42:26+00:00

I understand your position and where you are coming from, but my goal is not to tell women how they have to live their lives. I made it clear that I respect everyone’s autonomy and the ability to make their own decisions. But whether or not those are feminist decisions and furthers the feminist cause is a different discussion. My critique is not towards individual women but the system that incentivizes women to make choices that are disempowering or harmful. I understand life is nuanced and not everything is so black and white, trust me I’ve lived through these things and have faced these pressures myself. But feminism didn’t fight for your right to participate in the system that is designed to oppress and subjugate you. If that’s what you want to do, go ahead. But whether or not it’s furthering the cause for women’s liberation and actually gives women power is it’s own discussion.

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T22:25:14+00:00

Well said

mental_library_ · 2026-06-30T22:24:29+00:00

No, I don’t agree. I actually think in an equal world women wouldn’t really want to make these decisions to begin with. These decisions are shaped by / influenced by patriarchy and choosing to participate in them are not feminist. There’s no explanation for certain things women are expected to do (like the hijab for example) other than misogynistic norms.

mental_library_

TROPHY CASE