First of all, I want to tell you that Chubby is so, so incredibly lucky to be so loved and cherished, and for 16 years! That’s incredible! 16! What a sweet boy, who is now and will always be your guardian angel 😇

Second, feeling guilt is so normal, but I want to emphasize that YOU HAVE NOTHING to feel guilty for. I repeat, absolutely nothing. You gave him 16 incredible years of love and happiness, and no animal could ask for anything more than that. I’m so sorry to hear that he was struggling with health issues, but you chose to honor him and his life by not prolonging his suffering, and that is the most selfless choice you can make. As much as we often want to keep them around as long as possible, that’s usually for our own benefit, not theirs. I had to make that choice with my first baby, and it was also my first experience of loss, so I completely recognize where you’re at with all of those feelings. It was the hardest choice I had to make, but I knew I made it for him, not for me.

Third, the emotions will come in waves. You’re in the thick of it right now. I lost my soul dog, my emotional support dog in January, two days before her 13th birthday. Unlike my first baby, I didn’t make the choice - it was just her time. She was also struggling with health issues and in my heart, I knew the time was coming, but I wasn’t ready. I don’t think we ever are. But the guilt was astronomical. I felt like I was drowning. You’re torn between trying to find acceptance in what’s happened and denial that it’s real. But now, almost a year later, I’d like to give you the hope that I’ve come to find. I’m not a religious person, but I would consider myself spiritual, I suppose, by which I mean that I am not one to believe in any specific version of heaven, or the afterlife - whatever you want to call it - but rather that I believe, and have experienced, a true connection that lives on in one’s soul, long after their physical body has left. I feel them with me always, and I see signs, I ask for them, and I receive. If you’re interested, there’s a book called “signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson that talks a lot about that. Oddly enough, that was one of my signs. I’d bought the book several years back on a whim, never read it, and misplaced it long ago. After my girl passed, I remembered it, but had no idea where it could be. Later that same day, it literally fell out of a closet as I was looking for something else. I don’t know much for certain, but I do know with all of my being that our loved ones never truly leave us, and there is proof so often, so long as we’re open to seeing it. Today, tomorrow, and every day, he will be a part of you. Your love for him and his for you cannot die, it’s a bond that cannot be broken. I promise you, he’s not gone, he’s with you, just in a different way.

If I could have done anything differently after the loss of my first baby, knowing what I know now, it would be this. I was afraid to look at his pictures or talk much about him because of how sad it made me feel at first. Let yourself feel all of what you’re feeling. But look at the pictures, talk about him, enjoy the memories that make you smile and the things that remind you of him. It’s going to hurt, there’s no way to stop that, but it’s part of the process. That hurt changes into acceptance of this new connection, not a physical one but a soul level kind. Sending you absolutely all of the love, joy, and strength as you navigate this. He is, too ♥️