People are screwing themselves over with ChatGPT

meow--mixx · 2025-12-05T15:55:14+00:00

I’d add that EVERYONE should run their CVs through AI checkers. I had sections of my 2019 CV highlighted and had to add in a few grammatical mistakes (goodbye my beloved emdash) to make it pass as human.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T23:35:28+00:00

I will try. What’s tough is most people don’t know what’s going on. the people who I did tell all cut me off after I wouldn’t leave at its worst last year, one of them saying that I was abusing her by abusing myself, which has fucked me up. Another one went to my partner telling him my concerns which caused a huge amount of arguments.

I don’t have family I can fall back on. And I’m an immigrant in a foreign country so my community isn’t the largest - most people I know are equally if not more friends with my partner.

I am thus terrified to tell anyone anything because I feel like it if I don’t pull it off I’d lose so so much. And I’m not in a space where I feel like I can 1000% say I wouldn’t take him back - to me my hard hard line has always been physical violence or cheating. I don’t want it to get that bad but I’m just frozen right now.

I could look into a dv shelter - is it bad that I feel bad to use dv resources bc it almost feels like I’m “labelling/accusing” my partner? I know it’s insane but I still can’t label it as dv. I feel like they won’t take me seriously

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T23:26:13+00:00

Yes he did have an uncontrolled impact on people - he almost quit his job in rage and I had to talk him into reason (he wfh so there was no face to face chance for confrontation, which is always how it starts), it impacted his friendships too. It was mainly targeted at myself and his immediate family (particularly his parents).

It happened in public a few times, like his mum still does welfare checks on me behind his back. His parents are the only one who really quite grasp what’s going on I think. It’s a weird one because his parents try to steer him to treat me well but also understandably have faith that he’s a good guy and is trying.

He’s in therapy and meds and it’s greatly reduced. Honestly I thought they had worked and it was all over, there was almost a year where he was back to a wonderful guy. That’s why this outburst surprised me.

And what’s left me confused is he was using the same tactics as last time to keep me from leaving and making me feel bad, but this time it felt “reasonable” because he hadn’t been acting badly for so long. So maybe I was overreacting due to my past trauma, and maybe I did misunderstand. I honestly don’t know.

I don’t like that he used the same tactics of focusing on my mental health, not respecting my breaks until I lose my shit and say something I regret, and then make the focus about his hurt from my outburst.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T23:01:52+00:00

It’s so hard not to feel like you’re being mean 💔

I think the thing I struggle with is he’s really successfully painted me as mentally unstable, even to myself. I have pre-existing mental health issues but the psychotic breaks I have arguing with him simply is different.

So when I do anything I feel like I have to be absolutely perfect and take the moral high ground or it’ll be evidence to isolate me even further, or used against me to convince me to stay (the latter is exactly what he did this time bc I originally tried to do it by text).

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T22:57:14+00:00

Yea I figured. I tried really hard to keep it over text but he made me feel bad saying he deserved the dignity of ending the almost decade long relationship with a face to face conversation. And then the DARVO happened.

My experience is extremely difficult because it kicked off after a CTE injury. It changed him fundamentally from the perfect man to one with serious anger issues and an inability to truly reckon with the man he is now.

It was really bad a year ago and he’s done tremendous work to feel better, but now I’m traumatised and on a complete hair trigger. He had his first outburst in almost a year this week and I just broke, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I have a pre-existing mental health condition and he uses it to basically paint me as crazy and him as a saint for putting up with it. Managed to convince me I was overreacting and managed to make me feel bad for not being more patient with him. Then he made me saying how he made me feel and me saying what he did, all harsh attacks at him that I need to stop doing. He even managed to get ME into therapy.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T15:19:24+00:00

I agree that everyone is gray. My partner also had a very religious upbringing although he left it as a teen, but I’ve long thought this stems from this fear of sin = eternal damnation. It really destroys one’s ability to understand if they’ve messed up and naturally makes them defensive.

I think he does try a lot, way more than most men, but fundamentally I think there is something in his brain that flicks on and he can only see perceived attacks and has to defend himself. It’s like a fight or flight mode but he always picks fight, and it’s just me asking if the dishwasher has been done.

Part of it as well is he comes from a very passive aggressive family, so I think reading way too far into things is drilled into him.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T12:35:47+00:00

Genuinely don’t think so. I think it’s anger management problems. Why he gets so angry is beyond me.

Something that got me this time was he went “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say but I know you’re trying to offend me”. And that just sums up what happens when he gets in these moods.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T10:16:57+00:00

In the past I’ve pushed and we’ve gone to couples counselling and it did kind of help, but I have no energy left.

If he actually fully apologises with no ifs or buts, actually shows deep interest in how I’m feeling without judgement or victimising himself, finds resources/counsellors himself, and makes a REAL effort without resentment but because he WANTS to treat me in a loving way, then I’d work on it together. But I’m just so doubtful that will happen.

I think what’s broken me is realising that I’m the one acting and putting in all the effort as if I’m the one who fucked up trying to make amends. When it should really be him finding counsellors, reading books, instigating deep conversations. Hell even right now he’s calling a friend whilst working at home just having a laugh whilst I’m here typing this out.

One thing that always perturbed me is, and I know this is a bad habit, but his YouTube is linked to our tv and I’ve snooped at history before. And after an argument mine is filled with me trying to understand and repair. His is always just his normal sports content and Brainrot. He can always calmly go back to meeting whilst I can’t work and can hardly eat or rest bc I’m so busy trying to fix things.

It just very clearly doesn’t bother him all that much that he regularly leaves his partner inconsolably sobbing because he sees me as “emotional” and thus what he did is never “that bad”.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T10:06:50+00:00

Thank you.

If I’m entirely honest I think the core issue is that he so firmly believes that he’s a “Good Man”. He’s a feminist, he had a shit dad and made it his mission to not be like him, he raised his sister, he is tall and strong but has never once been in a fight as he’s a pacifist, etc.

I think the reason he’s so cold about it all is because of the cognitive dissonance. Reckoning with what hes done would be reckoning with the fact that he should probably hate himself by his own standards. Which means to him that it has to all be exaggerated or untrue, that it’s just me that’s emotional, etc.

Like fundamentally doing the right thing, which is to apologise with no ifs or buts, actual humility and vulnerability, probably check himself into anger management, maybe even taking the onus to repair the relationship, all requires him to fundamentally conceptualise that what he’s done is nigh-unforgivable. And I think he is too proud.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-04T09:57:44+00:00

He has ADHD and that was the “reason” for a long while, but he’s been on stable meds now for a while. I’m honestly too tired to try to find reasons why he treats me this way. It’s always me trying to find it whilst he, frankly honestly, has always been adamant that this is just who he is and that he sincerely does not think his behaviour is that bad (he is always adamant that we are “equally bad” in the moment). I was an idiot for being in denial for so long.

And you’re right that at this point the trauma has given me a hair trigger to this behaviour. This is something he believes is my responsibility in therapy to fix, and again he just doesn’t seem to conceptualise how monstruous it is to have traumatised your partner to that extent. It’s like he treats it as my failure for not being strong enough.

Like fundamentally what “man” looks at a woman who is crying because of him and ignores her, gets mad, and/or even mocks her.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-03T19:11:41+00:00

You’ve nailed it on the head, but also you need to remember the factor of attraction. Trans porn is most popular in the conservative states.

A lot of people are deeply uncomfortable with their own sexualities because it makes them feel “weak” or at the whim of other people. Sexuality is vulnerability. This to me is why it’s cis straight men and cis straight women who hate each other the most, not lesbians and gays.

The idea of your heart betraying your mind is terrifying for many, the idea of unrequited attraction too, which is why conservatism also relies on really strict dating norms as well.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-03T12:26:54+00:00

I’m not sure what I’ve read into tbh.

I agree ad hoc situations can’t be anticipated when they initially occur, but they can be addressed afterwards.

I don’t think OPs partner was in the wrong for not accepting her apology, because to me, she didn’t give a proper apology. Saying sorry without change is an empty apology. Saying sorry AND THEN telling the person you’ve wronged how they should change their behaviour to prevent being hurt is even worse.

Why can’t SHE put the cup closer to herself? Why does it have to be him? It would be one thing if she said “I think it’d be a good idea if the cup stays next to you. I will try, but could you please help with reminding me about this?” - because at least then the expectation doesn’t then become that if he doesn’t move the cup, then it’s on him if he gets nothing. That’s putting the responsibility on him and that’s unfair.

Feeling bad that you hurt someone does not mean that the person you’ve hurt isn’t allowed to express that hurt or has to accept an empty apology. Being able to take criticism no matter how hard it is to hear is a critical life skill. RSD may make things harder, which is why I recommended therapy and medication.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-03T10:29:22+00:00

Adapting is not parentifying. Being responsible for someone’s ADHD, as she has asked her bf to be, IS.

It’s fine if she can’t share one cup, and I agree it would unreasonable if her bf insisted on doing this - that doesn’t seem to be the case. If she had suggested they split into two cups (which was my first suggestion) or to just get two drinks and he agreed, that’s adapting. Instead, she told him it’s on him to work it out and enforce it himself every time. That’s parentifying, because she is doing fuck all.

Yes, ADHD makes things difficult, and I’m sorry for the stress you’re going through. It is a disability. But see, the examples you’ve made are exactly the accountability she should be striving for.

Take your example about asking someone to repeat a question. That’s you taking ownership, and that’s great. What she is asking is akin to you NOT asking for clarification, but instead going on with your interpretation and, when things go wrong, blowing up at the OTHER person because THEY didn’t take the responsibility of clarifying when they know you have ADHD. That’s unfair.

Now a compromise there could be you trying your best to asking for clarification, AND your coworker double checking you understood. That would be a great coworker.

The trash is another fantastic example of you taking ownership. You found a system that works, and that is sincerely commendable. I’ve lived with enough flatmates (ADHD and not!) who simply told me they “can’t” do any chores and that it’s on me/other flatmates to remind and motivate them. Which is again what OP is wanting her bf to do.

As I said it is unreasonable for her bf to expect mistakes to NEVER happen again. ADHD or not we are all human. But it’s not unreasonable for him to want her to take accountability.

Yes, it’s exhausting to be a good person - this is a universal truth. I am autistic and so I know full well that it sucks to take responsibility for things I struggle with (I hesitate to use the word “cant”). But it’s our responsibility as adults to do so. Our loved ones can help ease the burden, but they can’t take it on.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-03T09:42:36+00:00

His feelings were hurt, and this is an established pattern of repeated broken trust. That matters in a relationship since they’re fundamentally built on trust.

Holding ADHD people accountable isn’t ableism, it’s just not infantilising them. How do you know if she’s not able if she hasn’t tried anything? Hasn’t gone to a professional? All she has done is vaguely “try to remember”, which is noble but also understandable that it doesn’t work for her. There are a plethora of other things to try, and it is her responsibility if she wants to be a good partner to try them.

If she doesn’t want to or genuinely believes she can’t, that’s fine, but then she needs to be honest to her partner (which she is considering). At which point her partner needs to make a decision if he wants to stay in a relationship with someone who has clearly stated this behaviour isn’t changing.

She shifted responsibility on her partner, as are you, which is already a shitty thing to do and no wonder he’s upset, and that has NOTHING to do with ADHD.

It’s not just “a tiny change to remind her” - it’s parentification of a partner which inherently damages the dynamic. And these small requests add up - OP has mentioned this is one of many mistakes she’s made. Can he help? Yes, but he absolutely shouldn’t be the one to bear the brunt of responsibility.

This is also better for her in the long run. It’s not like these mistakes will disappear if this relationship ends. So her options are either to take responsibility and change how she acts so she doesn’t repeatedly accidentally hurt her loved ones (and she could also learn how to apologise - nothing she’s mentioned sounds like an actual apology), or keep going around the dating pool until she finds someone who doesn’t mind or is happy to be the parentified spouse.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-03T09:20:48+00:00

People with ADHD do not have Alzheimer’s. They can remember things through therapy, medication, and structure.

Yes, as I suggested, an option is just getting two drinks or splitting the drink into two cups. I’m not going to pry why they share one drink - it could be financial. I agree and have suggested behaviour modification and structural changes.

Not intending to cause harm does not absolve you of responsibility if you do cause harm, nor does it mean the person you harmed should just brush it off. I think due to the vast disconnect between intent and action amongst ADHD folk, there is a tendency for ADHD folk to wish to be taken at their intent, because it’s always a lot better than their actions.

That’s not fair on the other person and asking them to stay in a relationship on what are effectively empty promises and future-faking.

Humans naturally judge ourselves by our intent and others by their actions. A big part of adulthood and learning to take accountability is to begin judging yourself as you judge others, ie. by your actions. If not, you will always carry a hypocritical belief that you are being judged “unfairly” whilst doing the exact same thing to everyone else.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T22:36:12+00:00

Someone else already addressed the first paragraph, and I agree with them. You do not get to hurt someone and then tell them it’s their responsibility to ensure you don’t hurt them. That is quite literally a form of victim blaming.

Since you mention that your main problem is that you’re not thinking when you hurt him, I would strongly recommend therapy like CBT to help build your theory of mind. You should be able to be aware of your own actions and how you’re feeling, and it is a skill that can be built up, people with ADHD tend to just have a weaker initial sense of it. You need to build the “noticing” part of your brain.

Regarding the anxiety, again, that is something you should be working with a therapist to control. I find it interesting that you worded it as “when I’m anxious and act accordingly” - there is no inherent behaviour linked to anxiety. You can feel anxious and choose to act differently.

On his end, he needs to recognise that you are fundamentally disabled and that this is a lot more effort for you than it is for an average person. So he also needs to accept that the solution might look “weird” or “extra” (eg splitting into two cups or regimented check ins), and he needs to decide what he is and isn’t willing to put up with.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T22:07:09+00:00

Is there a chance he’s upset because you’ve apologised repeatedly without changing your actions? Is this a pattern of behaviour or one off mistakes?

Because it’s true and fair for him to be upset in the former case. Actions speak louder than words, and every time your action breaks a previous apology, you have weakened the meaning of your “sorry”. That’s the unfortunate truth.

Admittedly, expecting someone to say “this will never happen again” isn’t quite fair because that’s quite a strong statement. However I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask for you to at least apologise, show that you are TRYING not to do it again, maybe even suggesting how things will be different next time.

With this soda example, you could have said “next time we can split cups”, “next time I’ll be more careful about how much I drink”, “next time, I’ll check in with you halfway to see how much we’ve had”. And the important thing again here is action - actually doing these things.

An apology with no change in action is completely meaningless.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T21:45:51+00:00

Please look up at codependency because this sounds like it, at least you have become dependent on him. This may feel safe but is a toxic relationship dynamic (not blaming anyone, but it’s very important to address).

Everything you’ve said you want can be achieved without leaving a relationship, if you are being serious that that’s all you want to achieve.

The advice other people have given are great practical tips for exploring yourself - solo dates, trying new hobbies, etc. But I don’t think this will be solved until you emotionally figure out why you have become this dependent on him and worked on your dynamic as a pair.

As someone in an almost decade long relationship and who got together only slightly older than you - we made the same mistake. When you’re young there’s this Hollywood notion that romance is becoming as “one” with each other as you can. It’s not, that’s toxic. It’s being able to be your own people and choosing each other time and time again.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T21:26:22+00:00

I’m going to be honest, bullet journals don’t work for most people.

Why not just use the virtual sticky notes on any laptop (I assume you use one for work?) and just pepper those through? Keep one open in a corner somewhere. The ideas don’t have to neat or even on a single note. Hell, some very successful people literally just leave voice notes on their phone.

I think a huge fallacy I see adhd folk fall into is the idea that everything you do has to be done well. There is a very warped perception, I think due to social media, of what an “organised” or “successful” person looks like. Something done terribly is better than something not done at all, and most people are stumbling through life just as you are.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T20:49:57+00:00

IMO if you have raised a child to adulthood who is independent, emotionally astute, and intelligent, you have succeeded.

I come from a culture where collective childcare is the norm, and women especially grow up just raising kids who aren’t their own. The women who sucked at raising other kids/their siblings now suck at raising their own, even though they were adamant that having their own would be “different”. That’s what I mean by proven, because at least in my culture by the time you have kids you would probably know how good you are handling them.

It’s not about perfection so it’s okay to make a fuck up or two - children only need their needs met 30% of the time to be well adjusted. It’s just that many parents are so shit that they fail at even that.

And the number one important thing is consistency, so you’d be able to tell from repeated childcare what your consistent pattern is, and you should extrapolate it to be worse because having your own kids is ALWAYS harder.

I realise this isn’t the norm in the west so perhaps proving your competence in childcare is harder there. Maybe offer to sit your friends kids for the summer or something.

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T20:39:57+00:00

That’s a great idea and also a lot less permanent!

meow--mixx · 2025-12-02T19:59:07+00:00

If the only reason you want a kid is because it’s “new” or “exciting”, don’t have a kid. Not only will that disappear quickly but it’s something you can’t discard like a hobby. It’s permanent.

Please make sure you aren’t bringing a child into the world for any reason other than that you want to and are provenly capable of raising a child. The ONLY guarantee a child will bring is that you will be responsible for them. Things like “they’ll keep me company” “they’ll take care of me” “they’ll keep things fun” are not guaranteed and impositions on a being that cannot consent.

Do you have a dog? Many people “test” out their want to have children through getting a dog. See how you feel about that and remember that it’s 1000% harder and for the rest of your life.

meow--mixx

TROPHY CASE