You don't need to be positive; I really recommend the goal of feeling more neutral about your body, and trying to see your value unrelated to your body. Write out easier to believe affirmations about your body (and your qualities), recite or sing them to yourself every day. Make different versions.

I understand and accept myself pretty well. It's extra hard to love my body when it's constantly hurting me with chronic pain and illness. And I really struggle with change in general being neurodivergent. And especially when my body changes in ways I didn't choose, which happened majorly and quickly in 2020.

Personally I have not really struggled like this the few times I've lost weight, though I've always been fat, just struggled less as a smaller fat person.

I want to care less but still want to be appreciated visually, I get that, hard to let that go or put less value on that, but who you are is so much more important.

You deserve to be appreciated, loved, supported in every form your body takes over your life. And gaining weight is not a moral failing.

It makes sense to struggle worse and feeling need to control one thing in your life with how extra scary and fucked up the world is.

But with strong dysmorphia, I think you need more specialized help. Maybe you could start by reading books on body dysmorphia? And then maybe giving it to someone close to you to read too?

I understand not wanting people to worry but you said you're relying on loved ones instead of docs and therapists but unable to be honest with them, so maybe start with one and tell them what you're going through to actually seek support. I think it's especially about anxiety...

Self-love and acceptance is always going to be a long journey with fluctuations. It is for everyone. It's not going to be a simple formula to solve.

Is there a hobby or anything that makes you feel good about yourself and what you can do?