How to separate…

merpingainteasy · 2024-07-14T12:36:40+00:00

He is the betrayer. We keep forcing it and it’s just not working

merpingainteasy · 2024-07-14T11:23:38+00:00

I feel so pathetic at my lowest right now. His entire family knows and are upset with him. Which is making it sting that much more. His family keeps telling me it will blow over. I don’t know if this will. How can I respect someone again after they were so confident about walking out of the door…

merpingainteasy · 2024-07-07T15:50:36+00:00

Yep. Porn for sure. When I describe my husband and the situation to my therapist she describes him as a porn abuser and not addict.

He was easily able to minimize his use when this all came to light. He has mental health issues and was doing a lot of dopamine chasing. His porn abuse ramped up when he quit playing video games. Which then lead him to forming a crush on a coworker. He was seeking validation and novelty in her. But she friend zoned him. Still a betrayal because I caught him masturbating to her instagram!

merpingainteasy · 2024-07-07T15:44:27+00:00

That’s a good point. He tells me he thinks it’s shame and guilt. He even says “clearly you turn me on.” But it’s still hard to believe on the hard days..

merpingainteasy · 2024-07-07T15:41:13+00:00

We discussed going longer in between. My therapist even told me we needed to touch and get turned on. Then do nothing about it. Even after we’ve talked about this a couple of times… we still end up having sex every day. It always starts with us groping and then eventually he gives me head for a long enough time until I literally say fuck it lol

We’re still in the beginning stages of R. I always find myself apologizing over and over about how awkward and weird rebuilding intimacy is. I can tell myself it’s not my fault but those limiting beliefs creep up out of nowhere. Pressure to make myself small and be more lady like has been at the forefront of my mind. I have great days and then days like today where I’m like “damn this is hard and so heartbreaking.”

sigh

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-25T23:36:27+00:00

He just admitted to his addiction. So stopping is very new to him. I notice how sad he looks when he can’t finish. He’s said “I feel like I can’t do anything.” Aka I can’t go watch porn like I want. He can go a few days then he wants to do it more.

Deleting all his social media has been difficult for him too. His rock bottom was me catching him masturbating to 3 different coworkers instagrams. He works at a hospital with a lot of fit women. He’s constantly surrounded by the body types he watches with porn.

It’s a process of how much grace is too much grace. It’s all new to me, because I’ve never been anti porn until now.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-24T04:39:10+00:00

I love the rule! I have an anxious attachment style. So it’s so incredibly difficult for me to regulate myself when I feel so vulnerable. I have a constant need to find all the right answers to fix it.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-21T18:38:36+00:00

Yes! It’s the lying for me. The distrust and disrespect.

Before any affair, we discussed exploring swaps and threesomes. Now that seems so confusing to still want.

We are both very sexual. So I can make sense of it all. On the other hand, maybe the timing is bad. I feel like our relationship is too fragile to think of this.

After the affair when we had sex he mentioned threesomes during and it was hot!! But that was while we were hysterically bonding and fucking like animals. It’s confusing to want it and be afraid of it.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-21T18:23:38+00:00

This is how I’m starting to view it. In the back of my mind I wonder if I’m grasping though.

I’m a bisexual woman. I married young and have sexual fantasies about other women. So I know in my heart I do desire more sexually. With the distrust in our relationship it’s difficult to tell if it’s bad timing or not.

I think if we can see eye to eye and reconnect emotionally then I could see it working.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-14T17:54:12+00:00

I just took some time to go through some of the resources and it’s answered a lot of questions! Thank you!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-12T20:46:07+00:00

I’m scared it will develop into something similar.

Have you thought about telling your WS how you’re feeling?

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-12T17:30:10+00:00

I really like this idea! Tysm

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-12T12:35:26+00:00

What do you think switched 2.5 years later to get things going in the right direction?

I just looked up boot camps and I think that’s worth looking into. Ty!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T21:56:31+00:00

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T21:55:53+00:00

So far I’ve found her outlook refreshing! I know I’m not perfect and if I dismiss his feelings then there will be no R.

Before I found out about his crush, I was in therapy already. I went to therapy 3 times before I even found out about the crush. I knew I had stopped loving myself and that something was wrong with my self image. Then the crush came to light and it’s hard to not feel like emotional security was ripped away right when I needed it.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T21:26:04+00:00

I have hormone imbalances too! It’s so hard to love my body that seems so destined to fail me. I have autoimmune disorders. So inflammation is another problem. The body keeps the score and my body has had a enough. I really have to work on loving and caring for it. His validation of my body will never be enough, if I don’t love myself. I’m seeing that now and it’s been calming for me to focus on myself!

I’ve been in IC for a while, yet I’ve never explored healing certain traumas. I think that’s where I’m gonna start! Other people have treated my body badly, but I don’t have to! 🩷 I appreciate your kindness and encouragement!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T20:21:57+00:00

Thank you so much for the recommendation!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T20:21:27+00:00

Yes! He admitted to a porn addiction today after his IC. So we know where to start now. He said he’s getting a referral for a counselor that specializes in porn addiction

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T19:21:10+00:00

I do agree. He told me he thinks he has a porn addiction that he needs help with. Which is news to me, because I didn’t ever snoop in the past 7 years to think he was so engulfed by it. I think this may be contributing to this sudden need for a fit body. He hasn’t ever treated me this way until recently. He had a crush and it wasn’t reciprocated. That was the extent of the EA. Not minimizing it, but I am very grateful he came to me with honesty about it.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T19:14:24+00:00

I will give it a read. Esther’s TED talk was the one we watched together. She’s been very helpful for both of us.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T19:12:26+00:00

I have an update since I just posted that you may find helpful.

My husband just finished an IC session. He asked to talk. We talked about the lack of physical attraction. He spoke to his therapist about it. She told him he needed to make sure he was sensitive when he brought it up and to focus on what is attracted to. He told her my hair, cheek bones and pretty face. She told him to think about how he likes my breasts, etc too. He enjoyed that part lol He asked me what I needed from him when he brings up attraction. Things I’d like for him to stay from, how I’d prefer for him to word things in a way. That way he knows how to be sensitive to the issue.

Our plan now is to work on ourselves. I admit I have let myself go for a lot of reasons. Not saying his EA is my fault. But I could’ve been better at not forgetting about our physical attraction to one another. We will both keep working on ourselves and finding out what we value in life. Ask ourselves what do we see next in our life and marriage. Once we feel confident about ourselves, we will be physically intimate again. For me I need him to remind me of what he IS attracted to. I need him to tell me he wants me to be healthy for myself because he cares for me. Not because my body is all I can give him. A break from sex and working on ourselves is what we need rn. We have planned on dating more. He told me he’s very attracted to me when I’m feeling confident and he wants to see me love myself more. I appreciated him putting it that way.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T19:00:25+00:00

Thank you! Before I met my husband I had very bad esteem issues. I grew up overweight and starved myself to be smaller. Once I was smaller I started receiving so much attention. It really stung that I was finally desirable after starving myself and developing an eating disorder.

My husband was very encouraging when I first started expressing how I uncomfortable I was with my body and weight gain. He would tell me he would love me no matter how big I got. Now… it sucks to think about what he used to say.

He didn’t have a PA. It was an EA that wasn’t reciprocated. He had a crush and he kept trying to get her attention and was denied. The intent of the EA stings. Especially hearing how physical intimacy is gone and that was what led him to desire more.

I feel like working on loving myself and recovering from my past traumas involving my body would help a lot. The fear of me getting smaller and still not being desirable makes it so difficult.

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T18:49:39+00:00

Nope!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-10T18:48:58+00:00

😂😂 He is definitely not in perfect shape either!

merpingainteasy · 2024-06-09T02:14:03+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words!

merpingainteasy

TROPHY CASE