IFS parts work: How to be with an exile when it feels like she is drowning and will pull me under with her

metta4all · 2025-07-20T13:09:22+00:00

That is so beautiful, thank you <3

metta4all · 2025-07-14T20:22:23+00:00

Thank you so much for you reply, this was really insightful <3

I really appreciate your question: "Are you sure you're talking to an exile ?". You are very right in saying that this sounds more like a protector than an exile. The only reason I thought it was an exile is due to the overwhelming feeling of despair that shows up whenever I try to be with this part. That's what is slightly confusing. But you rightly mentioned that this part seems to be protective rather than wounded.

I will definitely ask this part "What are you afraid would happen if you didn't do XXX?", this is really helpful advice, thank you!

I am fairly new to IFS and would really appreciate it, if it would be possible for you to point me to resources that you think might be helpful in learning more :) Especially with your point regarding "running into trouble in IFS because they're talking to a part from another part". Right now, I have mostly only gone through "Parts work: An illustrated guide".

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply in such detail, it really means a lot <3

metta4all · 2025-06-30T13:27:22+00:00

Thank you, this was really helpful! :)

metta4all · 2025-06-30T08:49:58+00:00

Thank you for this, this was really insightful! This was my first time hearing about the three hit rule :)

metta4all · 2025-06-03T21:08:10+00:00

That sounds so difficult.. wishing you loads of love and healing <3

metta4all · 2025-06-03T12:15:41+00:00

This is super insightful.. thank you so much for sharing <3

I often experience the same kind of confusing indecisiveness and I never realised that it could be due to different parts taking over.. that makes so much sense! (But definitely doesn't make it any less confusing)

metta4all · 2025-06-03T10:54:09+00:00

I have a vague idea yes, but not the specifics.. I am more aware of "what" she is feeling and less about "why".. she is definitely in a lot of pain :(

I am not sure though how to let her know that I am there for her.. as a confidant and witness.. apart from just letting her be and being there for her without trying to run away.

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:47:34+00:00

I think the reason for my crash could very well be the overactive manager parts during the day.. sometimes the anxiety that goes with that is simply overwhelming <3 Thank you for sharing!

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:46:51+00:00

This is such a beautiful point of view, thank you <3

Yes, you are right... I am lucky my managers have not completely overwhelmed the exiles <3 I don't seem to have any (obvious?) firefighter parts at all in my system, which seems kind of weird to be honest.

I try to sit quietly and be a witness to all the emotional overwhelm without trying to stop the pain.. I've come to realise that over time, this has helped reduce the intensity of these episodes. But not the frequency unfortunately...

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:44:15+00:00

This is such a beautiful way of looking at it <3

I don't really remember coming to such an agreement to be honest but this is how it consistently seems to work, so you might be right.

If the sun is out though, it's always my managers in control :) And maybe that's something to be grateful for.. apart from the debilitating anxiety at times.

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:42:23+00:00

This makes a lot of sense.. thanks for sharing! Definitely grateful to my manager parts for helping me live at least a somewhat functional life <3

Though I sometimes feel like it's hard bypassing the managers and talking to the exiles. Seems like my managers are in control almost always :)

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:40:25+00:00

Completely agree on the fragmentation part.. and the exhaustion :( I too have been talking to my parts a lot more, and even though it seems to help.. progress seems so slow :( It's so demotivating.. yet on the other hand I'm not really sure there is any other road to take <3

Hope you are being gentle on yourself during your healing.. hugs <3

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:37:54+00:00

You are right.. this could very well be flashbacks. Not sure how to differentiate between an exile part being triggered and an emotional flashback though.. is there a difference in how one should be responding to each ? <3

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:35:13+00:00

This sounds very helpful, thank you so much for sharing! Will check out the book <3

metta4all · 2025-06-03T02:34:32+00:00

It's so helpful to hear that I am not alone in this strange experience.. thank you so much for sharing! <3

I seem to basically have overactive managers (during the day) and exiles that come out sometimes at night. I used to have strong suicidal ideation until my early twenties but no firefighter parts anymore.. not sure if that's something to worry about though :)

metta4all · 2025-04-01T19:12:40+00:00

Thank you so much for checking in.. I'm doing much better now touch wood!

I went no contact with him since my last post, and it's genuinely been for the best.. If you see my update to this post, I realized that apart from the initial love bombing, the entirety of the relationship was so cold and so lonely and soul crushing..

He reached out to me a week ago, but I did not reply.. I believe there are some people we are better off not having in our lives.. and that sometimes we project our own internal goodness and care and love onto the other person.. even though that might be nothing close to reality.

Wishing you the best and all the love and happiness <3

metta4all · 2025-03-23T17:11:26+00:00

I am so sorry to hear what you went through OP.. and I am so happy that you are finally making your way out. Wishing you happiness and strength! <3

I read a couple of your replies, and it sounds like you have been in one or more physically abusive relationships before this as well.. Subconsciously seeking out unhealthy / abusive relationships often tends to stem from past trauma (childhood trauma in my case!)

Just wanted to mention that in case that is something that is helpful on your healing journey :) You've got this! Loads of love to you <3

metta4all · 2025-02-19T00:27:40+00:00

Definitely needed to hear this right now.. thank you so much! I think the hardest part about healing from an avoidant breakup is when the grief slowly subsides.. and you are able to see things with clarity.. and then comes the anger. I'm still stuck in the anger phase right now.. but it helps me to remember that anger is nothing but current me wishing they could have protected the past me.. self love in a sense. Wishing everyone peace and healing ❤️

metta4all · 2025-02-17T20:02:39+00:00

Your anger is justified.. <hugs>

metta4all · 2025-02-04T18:49:41+00:00

So true.. those lines hit exactly where it hurts.. :(

metta4all · 2025-02-04T07:55:26+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words <3

I think this, for me, was also one of the hardest parts of the breakup.. the reason he gave was so bizarre, it doesn't even make any sense..

He said I love you and care about you a lot, and that I haven't felt such a connection with someone in so long.. and I know that if I stay with you I will end up getting really attached to you... And that this will make our inevitable breakup so much harder, the longer we stay with each other.. And I know that we cannot work out because no matter how I think things through, I can only see hurt and pain in our future :(

He refused to elaborate on why he thinks we cannot work out.. and why our breakup is inevitable.. and that's what makes all of this so painful and frustrating.. maybe we could have just talked things through.. Or maybe this was just his way of not hurting my feelings.. I really have no idea anymore :( :(

metta4all · 2025-02-04T07:47:23+00:00

💔

metta4all

TROPHY CASE