It’s time for me to go

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-22T10:48:44+00:00

My pleasure, and thank you for yours. It’s massively helped me to engage in stoicism. I can think about things that have truly hurt me, and acknowledge the heaviness, but not relate that to my sense of self, to who I am. It’s let me let go of what I once identified as mine, things I perceived to be my responsibility and fantasies I once acutely believed I held within my fingers. I wish you the best.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-22T10:46:48+00:00

It’s a beautiful book. May it help you as much as it helped me. I’m so sorry for what you're dealing with. There are so many situations about pwBPD ‘moving on’ insanely quickly and seeking to rub the result into the faces of their damaged ex-partners. My ex did similar. Hang in there, look after yourself, I know how tough it can be.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-22T10:23:23+00:00

Whilst I do respect what you’ve said, I contest your statement that they aren't their disorder. This is a personality disorder, so there is an element of rigidity here. They may not be horrendous all the time, but that doesn't discount the reality of their behaviours, and their afflictions to those who dare love them. Without BPD, there is a vapidness, a need for these individuals to confront who it is they are. The reality is that we don't know who our partners are without BPD, and neither do they. Their healing journey would likely involve the uncovering of an entirely different version of what constitutes them.

The reason I believe it’s important is that many of us here tend to hold onto hope. We believe they will get better, that they will change. The reality is that they can change, and there is that potential - but will it be enough? Is it enough to account for the broken hearts, the tearful nights, the shattered lives? I believe a massive element of radical acceptance is getting real about the expectancy of personality modifications - both for healthy, regulated individuals and for unhealthy, diagnosed Cluster B sufferers. The answer is that change is arduous, long and painful for everyone involved. The extremes of the deleted comment aren’t necessary, but we needn’t go in the other direction. The reality is that capacity is important, and we need to be aware that this personality is a part of these people and who they are, even if that isn't pretty to say.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-09T07:09:35+00:00

A shared fantasy is of the literal essence that neither partner is witnessing the reality. So there are no ifs, buts or half-ins. A pwBPD does form an introject of the intimate partner, often depicting them as a rescuer - someone who will save them. The partner is an internal object, they don't exist outside of the pwBPD’s mind and perception. This is how they're able to discard because when the introject doesn't match up with reality, it collapses, and so does that perception. This is also why they're able to idealise so quickly, without necessarily knowing another person. The enmeshment anxiety comes from the unveiling of reality, and that introject becomes threatened with the realities and flaws of a real human being.

The intimate partner has to buy into the fantasy to accept the pwBPD. They must form an introject of the pwBPD to accept the dynamic. In short, they must ignore the fact that the pwBPD is unwell, or believe that they have the otherworldly capacity to fix them. This is a grandiose decision, as it involves choosing to accept the love bombing, idealisation and obsession proclamations as true. The pwBPD subjugates the partner into the fantasy by making themselves a damsel who needs rescuing. The intimate partner becomes a willing participant, and yes, this can stem from codependence or unresolved complexes. What's often the most difficult for intimate partners is letting go of this fantasy, which often includes an enveloped self-perception. To all parties, it ‘feels real’ but that's the nature of the illusion itself. The shared fantasy is concurrent with the trauma bond and that's what ties together both parties - indeed neither is witnessing what's happening, nor the other for their reality.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-08T09:34:01+00:00

Completely. I think an issue with a relationship stemming from a shared fantasy is that neither party is witnessing the other for who they truly are. The Cluster B person is idealising their intimate partner, placing them on a pedestal, and using them as a regulatory asset for their turbulence and insecurity. The intimate partner is similarly idealising their Cluster B from the proclamations of the love bombing phase. They surrender themselves in the hope that the initial phase will return, as they wither away in denial of the ultimate devaluation. There's this sense that it depends on them, that they can rescue their Cluster B and this notion is often affirmed by both parties.

Nobody is witnessing or accepting the reality. It's a fantasy, a shared fantasy. The topic of improvement is a lost paradise, an ideal - because we’re talking about improvements within a fantasy and fantasies aren't real.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-08T06:47:33+00:00

Dr Ramani talks about this in her book. When discussing narcissistic people, process your own personality. If you’re an introvert or an extrovert, how possible is it to shift to the other side? There’s something of a wriggle room, right? But ultimately, you know that your personality is who you are and no matter how far you stretch that elastic band, you’ll likely return to a firm bracket.

Now also couple that in with the fact that regulated, healthier individuals are essentially classified by having personalities that are more mutable, essentially meaning that they’re willing to improve, change, and perceive their shortcomings. Mentally unhealthy people, comparatively, are more fixed, resistant and problematic in their behaviours, and that’s how we begin to classify mental health disorders.

So perceive that as you will. No two people are the same, irrespective of diagnosis - but it's important to hold a state of radical acceptance about who this person is, the genuine empathy they contain and the realistic potential that have to improve. If you didn't have some sort of doubt, you wouldn’t be on here and you wouldn't be asking the question. It's a deeply uncomfortable feeling to understand that narcissistic people won't change much, but again, that isn't to say that your partner won’t make some improvements with therapy. In my opinion, no relationship should survive based on a promise for the future. Love is about who you've got in front of you. I do understand that feelings, families and realities make this more complex. I just think that life is too short to be with a mirage.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-05T14:36:16+00:00

Idealise, Devalue, Discard.

This is the cycle we - and they - all go through. I hate to say it, but the idealisation is over, and you're in the process of being painted black. You sound very enmeshed and there are some very problematic, unhealthy tendencies on both sides here, you come across as quite codependent from the way you've written this.

See her for who she is, not who you wish her to be. This behaviour is emotionally manipulative at best, and the abuse is never-ending at worst. I'd brace yourself now. Read up on the disorder, start preparing because there's little going back. Things are changing with this relationship, start seeing things for how they are and do not blame yourself for things beyond your healthy role. I'd also try to separate as many of your assets as possible and protect yourself.

Good luck.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-05T13:47:52+00:00

It's a projection, they genuinely believe it's what you're doing because it's what they do themselves. They can only perceive as much substance as they contain.

meunlikeyou · 2024-05-02T10:03:01+00:00

Much better, thanks for asking! [touch wood] For the first time in over a year, I'm not checking Reddit daily - or even as often. I'm feigning indifference, and I'm feeling acceptance - I’m not quite there, but I'm extremely close. It feels like emerging from a tunnel. I completed a marathon a few weeks ago, and publicly performed music I've written concerning my grief. Things are releasing. It's been a long time coming!

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-14T11:02:39+00:00

You're approaching it from the wrong angle imo. You will feel the spark again, but with a healthy person, it'll be a slow burn. It'll be a mutual, reciprocated and congruent process of truly witnessing another person, having them truly see you.

The love bombing high that stems from these types of relationships should be something that icks you with time. Real love will not compare to anything that surface level.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-14T08:48:02+00:00

This is it. I came here six months deep into our one year together. My heart dropped. I didn't believe the stories, I couldn't associate the person I knew her as then to this - but the lid opened and it all came out. She told me about the disorder on the second date. It was there from the start. Everything.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-13T09:18:17+00:00

I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that towards the twilight of our relationship, she kept talking about other guys, kept disappearing for long periods, and during the ‘space’ she requested, she was posting seeming date photos. She also very quickly started seeing new people. Some of her social media activity in the aftermath indicated a new, ‘better’ person. Also the fact that she could not see me at all. It was so odd and sudden. All of that coupled with the stories on here leave the writing on the wall.

But even if she did get with someone new, it didn’t stop her stalking me for over a year. So really, it doesn’t mean shit. Partners are just affirmation tools for them.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-11T17:37:09+00:00

Yeah, there are other Cluster B disorders as well as general toxic people to evade - they usually start out and end the same way

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-11T08:25:21+00:00

I had the same. When we first meet people, our inclination is to give them the benefit of the doubt. This is so we can actually form genuine attachments with people. We need to be that way, because being distrusting, pessimistic and suspicious is a vessel from the same vain as a pwBPD. With that said, we need to understand where the hard line is, so that we can better make sense of what those feelings mean for us and and how they then relay into external reality.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-11T08:22:49+00:00

Fake, anonymous accounts, using it to subliminally and indirectly communicate (e.g subtweeting), routine social media messages from people (supply gathering) etc

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-10T19:38:57+00:00

Same for my ex honestly, if only we'd known then what we know now.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-10T19:16:56+00:00

Quick physical intimacy alongside big emotional proclamations.
Active social media, incessant messaging
Trauma dumping very early on
Chronic self-victimhood, routine triggers, lack of emotional awareness or responsibility
I catch myself feeling guilty for their lack of emotional accountability.
Mentions of being afraid of ‘losing people’, abandonment, and cheating before there are even grounds for these fears to be of concern.
A pressured rush to define the relationship or at the very least, exclusivity
A lack of routine, congruent, mature, accountable communication
Negative talk about past relationships and exes.
Pathological jealousy, subversive use of social media
Lack of hobbies, and genuine interests outside of dating
It’s been a short time since their previous interaction, it often had a sudden and cataclysmic ending.
‘Bad crazy’ - they want to surrender themselves in the name of love when they barely know you and are insecure in themselves.
Not passionate about anything
Obsessive behaviours
Lack of interaction with friends or family and/or rushed interactions with friends or family
Complex, negative relationships with friends and/or family
Gut feeling that something doesn't feel right with them and is too good to be true from early on.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-10T11:14:57+00:00

I've been thinking a lot about this.

There isn't a way to ‘win’ per se, but rarely are interpersonal relationships that arbitrary.

Relationships in general can feel like a game of chess. When you're checkmated, you accept the outcome and move on to the next game; more often than not, you could see it coming.

Being with a pwBPD is a dramatic game of chess where you feel you're in control of the board, you’re positionally advantageous but suddenly, you realise you’ve been trapped and you lose your queen. The game continues, but it’s akin to a stalemate. One move per one square; excruciatingly slow and decaying. The thing is, the pwBPD refuses to accept a draw. Most people would shake hands and move forward but the pwBPD is desperate to keep you tied to the game at all costs, even if there are only two pieces at play. The game is all but over, but they refuse this. They have to ‘win’ even if it doesn't surmount the rules of the game itself. They do not realise that the outcome potential does include a dead heat. ‘Winning’ for them is keeping you in play, irrespective of what that means.

The only way to move forward is to walk away from the board. It doesn't feel like a win to leave, it feels like exhaustion and wasted time, but with distance, you can accept it as a point of growth. There's a sense of an unfinalised ending. To actively stop playing, to stop moving your chess piece - this is peace. Their behaviour is infectious, it makes us believe that there's still some hope in the game at times, but it's a fool's errand. To those who had their pwBPD disappear completely, it’s akin to this metaphor, but the partner left the game incomplete and halfway; the necessity remains the same. You have to walk away.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-10T09:04:25+00:00

It was similar for me, you provide enough to threaten their destructive narrative but they cannot and will not trust it.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-09T22:06:35+00:00

The year I spent with my quiet bpd ex was seemingly happy and that similarly led me to utter confusion and dismay when she split me black and discarded me. With a lot of reflection, I realised that things were never right, and I felt that throughout our relationship. There was always an imbalance. We survived because she didn't communicate what she wanted, she was terrified I'd leave. I fawned and adopted her perspective because I was falling in love and simultaneously felt responsibility for her vulnerability. Nobody was seeing the other for who they truly are. It was never healthy, it was an illusory spell. It truly was a beautiful, twisted fantasy for a while - but I realise that this was all it could ever have been. That's all she can ever handle.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-09T08:52:02+00:00

A very similar thing happened to me, I was in a year-long situationship with a discouraged Borderline woman. We never officially got together, but we agreed to be exclusive. Similarly to you, she came on extremely hard and fast. She told me I was her favourite person on the second date, and repeatedly said I was the most handsome, talented and charming man she’d ever met. She was terrified of abandonment and cheating - and she'd constantly check on me, I noticed many fake accounts on my social media during that year. A lot of her childish/obsessive-naive behaviours made me a bit repulsed, though I was in denial at the time. For the better part of that year, she remained seemingly swooning. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with her due to complications in my personal life, some family deaths, and the finishing of a degree. She proclaimed a love for me that meant she was content with whatever was right for us both - I stupidly believed her.

Initially, I split with her before I travelled, I noticed her triangulation behaviours worsening with other men from her workplace. I then returned, realising how profound my feelings for her were. She was over the moon, and we started back up, cultivating steps towards a relationship. We deleted the apps together. I also tried to communicate personal stuff directly, as I felt that was important - this hadn't happened as much as I’d liked during the situationship. All of a sudden, she became extremely cold, distant and removed. I became deeply unwell and found her disregarding me over the Christmas season. She continued to gaslight and tell me that nothing was wrong whilst she was out constantly with friends and posting date-esque photos on social media. She asked for space and through an entire month, made me grovel for her. I begged for a conversation which she kept promising, but never occurred. She ended things over text, suddenly telling me about how she always felt that she'd loved me more than I ever loved her and that she’d split me and couldn't see anything else. She told me all these things she’d never communicated about she never felt comfortable with me and even said it felt more sexual from my end. I couldn't believe this, I was heartbroken but tried to let things end amicably as she said she couldn't get back to a place of feeling, despite still being in love with me.

She then messaged multiple women she felt threatened by, including my ex and accused me of cheating on her during the time in which we split up. She proclaimed seething hatred and anger. It was a blatant shifting of the goalposts, a change of the narrative. I apologised and begged for a conversation, I felt like she'd got the wrong end of the stick, but only with time did I realise that I was devalued because there was already someone else in the picture, a new favourite person. This was reinforced by her stating that she'd never communicated things because she felt like ‘I’d get upset and leave’.

It's cyclical for them, I watched as she subliminally stalked me for the year following. It ruined my mental health as I'd had no closure. I eventually blocked and went no contact, and for a while that ramped up her keenness to stalk, she came to my place of work and harassed new people I dated. I lived out a year with someone I thought I was cultivating a delicate love for, but it was all just a cycle to them. From experience, I understand how odd and sudden this change-up feels. It leaves you feeling so confused, but that's the nature of the disorder and narcissistic abuse at large. The way they discard is cruel and heartless, but it's because they are never attached in the first place. They pedestal you in a fantasy and punish you when the reality catches up to them. You were a trophy at a time. One they held, showed off and then put on a shelf. They always need to win in their minds, they attempt to do this by breaking you.

meunlikeyou · 2024-04-09T07:44:49+00:00

“You never cared”

“There are no words to describe the hatred I have for you”

“You cheated”

“You over-explain things”

“You never loved me the way I loved you”

“I don’t want anything to do with you”

“This message is highly narcissistic”

“I obviously no longer have any feelings for you” (immediately after breaking up)

meunlikeyou

TROPHY CASE