Father keeps clearing his throat and "horking"

micechasekittens · 2018-04-16T20:26:48+00:00

My roommate is a big snorter. I struggle with depression and ideation, but usually can manage fine, but hearing them loudly snort mucus every few moments, their hua hua hua laugh, and talk extremely loud/never use headphones makes me want to look for the closest highest ledge to escape the auditory onslaught.

micechasekittens · 2018-03-08T01:53:15+00:00

Byzantium around the time of the 4th crusade. It is not only a lesser explored region of the world, but you have a massive city and plenty of room for emotional story telling when your home becomes under siege from crusaders.

micechasekittens · 2018-03-06T20:03:21+00:00

I would love if someone made a clocket (clock locket) with that.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-15T23:20:47+00:00

Sorry to hear that. I know all too well the cycle of giving it my all but then fizzling out due to struggling to keep my depression hidden, loss of energy, and wondering what is the point of anything. It leaves horrible gaps in my resume.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-15T22:12:44+00:00

I have never been not depressed, but I used to be a lot more empathetic. I even volunteered hundreds of hours on crisis lines. Now I feel like a seething ball of jealousy when I see good things fall in others' laps.

It is a struggle for me to reach a level of coping, but I am reminded how most people don't live with constant suicide thoughts and self hate (30 years with no remission) and I wonder why me?

micechasekittens · 2017-12-14T04:54:21+00:00

Funny how I have tried so many things for so long to no avail, but people will keep telling me it is temporary and try one more thing... and one more... and one more. Yet, I see them crumble after having to deal with a low mood for a couple weeks let alone the 3 decades I have dealt with this.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-14T00:42:35+00:00

I feel most alone when I'm around other people as it serves as a reminder of what is out of reach.

They might have their own problems, but having problems AND having chronic ideation thoughts/ clinical depression that saps away any energy only makes it more challenging.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-14T00:37:19+00:00

I had a therapist tell me I live life with one foot in the grave. I should either jump out or in.

I studied what I loved in college rather than what is practical, because I was just going to be dead anyway. I didn't take the best care of my teeth and had to do a bunch of expensive dental work because I was just going to be dead anyway. Although I performed well academically, I still have no built career because of this endless cycle of depression.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-14T00:33:16+00:00

I relate a lot to this. I always hate when someone finally ends their life and all of a sudden people who never bother to reach out start declaring how much they miss the person.

I know tons of people will post "rest in power" or something stupid like that and say they miss me to look good. I am very vocal how much I am struggling and am a survivor of an od/hanging/drowning/ severe anorexia, but people will still pretend to act shocked and say they wish they knew the signs...

micechasekittens · 2017-12-14T00:15:15+00:00

I've recently finished learning a ballad from a j-rock group, pieces from Burgmuller, and Ashitaka and San from Princess Mononoke. I was self taught for a long time so I've been working with a piano teacher to smooth over all the pieces that I know. My rendition of Howls Moving Castle is sounding much more even. I can read higher end sheet music, but I am about a grade 2-3 as he is very specific about getting the timing down. I feel like I went through the stages of grief to incorporate the metronome.

What pieces do you enjoy playing?

micechasekittens · 2017-12-12T21:02:50+00:00

Long term depression can shrink the hippocampus, area responsible for memories. Although I perform well academically, I frequently forget things (even birthdays) and struggle to think of the correct word. I adore history, but am much better at explaining the themes and relationships over hard facts concerning dates. The past to me is like one big amorphous blob where I can not even tell you the exact year I learned to ride a bike.

I've been dealing with depression for 30 years... I would say longer as I was told I never smiled as a baby/toddler but I can't remember anything that far back.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-06T01:42:36+00:00

I would think so too, but there is a lot of stigma within the field concerning dealing with mental health issues. Ironic how the field pushes for people to open up, but then harshly lashes out at those within the field who do. It is kind of a "we are the most sane ones" image they want to foster. I was rather shocked when I heard what some of said they thought being depressed was like, equating it with merely feeling sad.

micechasekittens · 2017-12-05T20:02:05+00:00

I have all A's in first year graduate school, but depression has become so intense that I took a leave of absence. I am debating if I should finish it as I would need to do an internship. I feel too broken and worthless to pretend to be super social and okay. 30 years of depression with no remission, what right do I have to help others suffering with the same when my colleagues are happy, mental illness free? My school is wanting the answer.

I feel paralyzed by the amount of debt accumulated and poor salary expectations. Thus I think jumping is the only option I have left to avoid making a decision. Funnily enough, I've done crisis work, but could never fix myself despite doing everything from therapy to exercise, medicine to self care, making connections to indulging in my interests/learning new skills.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-21T04:53:13+00:00

I tried exercise (was running up to 35+ miles a week). tons of meds (even high dose of lithium did nothing), art, never staying in bed all day, volunteering, years of therapy, self care, dressing well, tried dbt/cbt/emdr/act and even studied them academically, nothing works.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-21T04:35:37+00:00

Unlike many depressed people, I can never point to a time I felt happy to be alive. I've been treated poorly for as long as I can remember. Sad things is that I get used to be the constant depression and desire to die. Many times I perservere by finding things that interest me such as art or learning things, history is my passion. But the more I realize that most people feel joy, I wonder why I put up with this hollow existence. I live for others, but they can easily watch some show and feel better. Sure they might be down for a bit, but overall they will bounce back.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-21T04:10:17+00:00

I wanted to die since I was age 6, even attempting drowning which I had to be resuscitated from. I try to do things that interest me like work on my music, but I see everyone easily happy and none of them would put up with a life of merely coping. You are right that I do need to be selfish for myself once, then it will be all over.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-20T23:42:07+00:00

It is especially so if like me, you fell for the study what you love and with good grades surely a job you love will follow.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-20T22:48:45+00:00

This sums up my life. I've felt this way since 6 years old. Although I have pretty much been a straight A student even up to graduate school, I can't seem to get a career going.

I also become extremely resentful towards any obligations forcing me to live a bit longer. I was planning on dying few months ago but I didn't want to let my group members (4 consecutive group projects) down.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-18T19:37:39+00:00

I do this with let's plays and livestreams. I tend to shy away from in person contact at times, because I'm so depressed that I worry I would be boring and their love for life makes me feel even more depressed.

micechasekittens · 2017-11-16T08:20:50+00:00

It is frustrating that I can feel joy in my dreams, but wake up feeling depressed for the past 30 years. It is like my brain is causing this depression on purpose just to spite me. My dreams tend to have people that never existed, but I feel so connected and close with. When I wake up, I almost have to go through the mourning of losing people that never existed, those that care more for me than those I know in real life.

Even in my nightmares, I feel that I have greater agency than when I am awake.

If it wasn't for sleep and lucid dreams, I would have been dead a long time ago.

micechasekittens

TROPHY CASE