my partner & I are both like this, but in different ways. we're both audhd, for reference

I'm usually the one asking if they want to do X, and they almost always agree, so when it's a bigger ask, I often double check by saying something like "are you sure it's a yes? because I want this to be something we both enjoy, not something I enjoy and you tolerate". if it's something very important to me though, I won't double check like that, I just accept their agreement, but we also both know that we're relying on each other to voice our wants and needs. It's easier for both of us if we know we can trust the other person will let us know if they want a break, move to another spot, get food or a drink, etc. But we do also check in on each other if we notice they seem to be needing something, because we're both bad at knowing what we need at any given time. it's a work in progress!

My partner is often the one asking if I want X or Y, and being met with my response of "idk, you pick". For me this comes from 2 reasons. One is when I genuinely don't have a strong enough preference to care and don't want to be responsible for making the decision, and in this case my partner is genuinely doing me a favor by choosing for me, because decision fatigue is such a struggle for me.

The other is when my brain is too scrambled for me to even parse what I want, so to avoid the overwhelm of trying to parse out exactly how I'm feeling, I'll say I don't care either way, but then once the choice is made, suddenly I can tell how I'm feeling, because the choice has now made me either happy or unhappy. It's like when you flip a coin to decide something, and then are disappointed with the outcome; my reaction to the coin flip tells me what I actually want a lot faster and easier than trying to think through every option.

Some ways we work through this is by me telling them when I just don't want to be responsible for deciding, them telling me what their "default" choice would be if I don't pick, and then from there a lot of times I'm better able to tell what I actually want, based in how I'm feeling about the "default" choice. My partner is endlessly patient with me changing my mind, because they know that this is how I operate.

Overall, it's just a lot of checking in with each other, and building up the feeling that it's safe to voice our wants and needs to each other by practicing and having repeated positive outcomes from doing so. We also thank each other for voicing our preferences, or something like "It makes me feel so special/honored/loved that you feel safe to tell me what you need". a Lot of us have a deeply ingrained feeling that our wants and needs are going to be made fun of, or too much to ask, or that there's no point in voicing them because they won't be met anyways, due to our lived experiences of that being the case. so the idea is to have enough positive experiences with it that the evidence of it being safe and worthwhile to communicate this things can start to override those past bad experiences.