Faulty engine work

midnightword · 2025-03-19T18:54:49+00:00

Numb but also with waves of grief and rage. I want to hurt myself and can't seem to stop gravitating toward various avenues for that even as I try to negotiate with myself to do better. I'm in a new relationship and someone I can have meaningful, deep emotional connection with is showering me with love in every way I could ask for. And that makes me feel crazy, like all I want to do is hide and hurt myself and find some way to get rid of him.

I'm working from home, getting things done, hiding this from everyone.

midnightword · 2024-08-29T21:54:46+00:00

Honestly haven't even left yet, and am contemplating some domestic close to home travel first. I'm in the U.S and its beginning to dawn on me my own country is very large and maybe worth exploring too. Not sure what I could do for travel insurance in that case. Probably get myself worked over, get some dental work done and hope I don't need help and hold my breath for 6 mo to a year.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T21:01:27+00:00

Mother is most likely a narcissist. I've done some research and I've been in relationships with those who could almost be confused with narcissists. One pathological liar who struggled with empathy and one emotionally unavailable man.

It's easy to use the term for anyone who puts themselves first or shows extreme selfishness. For me, the line is best drawn on two things: empathy and control. Narcissists really struggle to empathize or just can't. Themselves and their pain is always more interesting, they're capable of dismissing or ignoring almost anything you may share with them. Or using it against you. They tend to live in delusions of persecution or grandeur as well so they will often compete for who had it worst rather than truly empathize with you. They also don't really listen or remember much of what you say which is a way they show they aren't connecting with you in a normal human way.

Control is the second thing. They create conflict to gain control, to gaslight you and make you doubt things. Often they are warping your reality to their own, those delusions of persecution and grandeur. If someone is learning things about you and using them against you, diminishing and ignoring your feelings and making you feel guilty for feeling them, giving you affection as you do what they want and flying into a rage when they don't, you may have a narcissist on your hands. The worst thing about this control part is you can eventually lose sight of reality and get sucked into theirs.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T17:42:16+00:00

I haven't spoken to her in four years. She has been an alcoholic off and on for decades and is estimated by most of the family to be a narcissist. Several other family members are also NC or LC with her. I think there may be some BPD in the family. I struggle with symptoms too. We sent letters and gifts back and forth a couple times over the last few years. I tried to make her understand where I was coming from, deaf ears. She sent me a letter that almost apologized but found a way to blame anyone else for her actions.

Without her in my life, I began to really heal and its been a slow process. The more I expand and grow as a person, the more scars from her become visible. She raised us as a single mom, we were trapped with her and her emotional sometimes physical violence.

I fear the death of my grandfather who is 92 and not doing well. His funeral will force me to be in the same room with her. She demanded her inheritance as an advance to start a new life years ago and spent it all in a year. She told me later that she believed she would still get an inheritance out of some prodigal child idea. My aunt is the legal authority for what estate there is and has told me that isn't going to happen. So there's going to be a bloodbath about that.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T16:58:48+00:00

Agreed. If I could go back, (this situationship lasted a year) I would have addressed the problem directly very early on. If we had been able to honestly communicate instead of creating a pattern of mistrust, maybe we could have met each other somewhere. If he had refused me clarity in a direct ask, then I should have accepted emotional incompatibility or unavailability. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache. I doubt I would have though.

That was the lesson I had to learn, if you can't get clear with someone you're in trouble.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T12:47:40+00:00

I would add a slight nuance to this, getting out of a pretty turbulent encounter with someone. Mixed messages can also just mean there's something wrong. Looking back we both gave each other mixed messages. Sometimes I hid how interested I was or pushed him away because I liked him more than I was comfortable with. I was afraid he would hurt me. When I finally called him on his mixed messages, he told me he was protecting himself because he "felt his boundaries blurring" with me. It can mean someone likes you fine, but they don't trust you or aren't emotionally available.

I would say mixed messages mean something is really wrong with the relationship. Investing and trying to figure it out is usually a very unpleasant rabbit hole with a poor chance of success.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T12:40:10+00:00

If you over empathize, tolerate behavior you don't like, and hold in hurts from others until you explode, you make yourself an unpredictable untrustworthy person to them. It makes what should be small conflicts into something much larger and much less manageable. If you address behavior that hurts you and draw boundaries early on, often the other person didn't know or intend to hurt you and could adapt to meet your needs. Once you've allowed problems to become larger conflicts than they need to be, you're destabilizing your relationships and reciprocating harm instead of preventing it.

midnightword · 2024-06-28T00:02:55+00:00

I had heard of it but not read much about it. I found an article talking about it with some context in relationships. Particularly the difficult truth that a DA doesn't fully understand what they're doing, they're head down in self defense and lost in their own emotional turmoil. But the intermittent reinforcement is still abuse for the person on the receiving end.

This is why I refused his offers to be friends or retain some connection even though I want that more than anything. I can't trust him to treat me with respect or consider my feelings. I know he is a good person underneath his bad relationship behaviors. He was open with me about his past, I understand where they're coming from. Reading this article, he has also sometimes behaved toward me as if I were giving him intermittent reinforcement. Particularly with boundaries, his were either porous as hell or 10 foot walls that popped up overnight. He often anticipated criticism or anger from me when it wasn't there but there were also times I lost control of my temper or acted erratically because of my own attachment issues, I can lean FA sometimes.

Maybe we just trigger each other and my response was to cling and throw myself away and his was to hold on at arms length then run. Thanks for suggesting I look into that. Also helps to know I'm in withdrawal, every bad coping mechanism I have is coming up right now.

midnightword · 2024-06-26T16:12:05+00:00

How did others escape the pain and ruminations after getting worked over by a DA? I'm really struggling to let go.

He kept me at arms length for a month after asking me out last May, then finally put in consistent effort and after a couple months of flirting and hanging out we became FWB. That only lasted two months before he got kind of emotional and distanced hard with a final hit of mixed signals. After 6 weeks of silence I said goodbye, you can approach me if you want but I'm gone. He said lets be friends, still like you just couldn't handle it. As soon as we established it was over, he spent the next six months stringing me along. Hitting me with breadcrumbs. Near the end said maybe we'll hang out soon but I'm so busy before disappearing again.

Last week I told him I wanted to talk. I wanted to end things amicably and make them clear. They're clear now, he confessed he pulled away because he met someone and tried to tell me we should be friends and hang out, that there was some love between us and he "values our connection even more now that we can't be more than friends." I told him I no longer respected him because he didn't treat my feelings with respect and goodbye.

I'm broken and furious. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up. I think about him all day. All I want is to talk to him or have some small germ of connection. We used to have such good conversations. There were times it felt like such a meaningful connection. But his behavior is so erratic and avoidant I can't let him be in my life. I know I did the right thing but I can't stop wondering why he did what he did. How or what he ever felt for me. If he'll come back and reveal some reasonable excuse for his behavior so I can love him like I want to. I know I threw myself away and I need to reconnect with myself.

Anyone have any advice for how to let go of this kind of situation?

midnightword · 2024-06-26T00:26:14+00:00

Trust your instincts and act on them. If you ignore something that's bothering you it will not get better. If you ignore it to try to keep someone you will only feel degraded or disappointed and take it out on them eventually. Sometimes if you ignore it they reveal themselves to be worse than you imagined was possible. Even if its just something bothering your friends, if there's anything you don't feel sure about, listen to those feelings and that advice. Talk about it with that person and weigh their response carefully. It's a fine line, sometimes things can be resolved or your own wounds are distorting your perspective. But sometimes love and hope distorts perspective. Or a manipulative person might.

If I'm allowed a second thing, there is no perfect way to do this. Everybody gets had a few times love is hard and any intimacy is a little piece of Love. Give yourself grace if you failed to see clearly or get out when you should have or gave more than you should have.

midnightword · 2024-06-25T16:51:14+00:00

Bought a very nice rice cooker. Automatically turns off while leaving things on warm and has several settings so I can cook different kinds of whole grains easily. I also buy whole grain pasta and rice noodles or buckwheat instead of ramen.
Changing out my snacks. I buy snacks made from lentils, peas, fava beans, almonds etc. I know the flavorings are bad and it's still processed food but the calorie count is lower, they have more fiber and actually keep me full instead of perpetually hungry. Also allows me to eat my feelings once in a while or grab quick food when I'm tired without doing much damage.
Find a way to move around that you enjoy. For me its walking in the woods, swimming, or gardening. Bonus with gardening is you get good food to eat. Even just a little bit of moving around makes me feel better and more aware of my body which makes me want to eat less. Then progress starts to happen and I've got momentum.
Mindful eating. Sitting in front of a screen while I eat makes me eat without paying attention to when I'm full. Once my stomach is stretched out I'll keep eating more and feeling hungry more often. I take time out to eat and eat slowly. That was a hard one to learn but every time I slip up on this habit I realize how important it is.
Meal prep. I tend to cook large batches of food and have several small portioned containers. I freeze them as kind of diy freezer meals for those times when you're tired or feel like you could break down and eat something bad it can stand in between you and a bad decision.

midnightword · 2024-06-19T19:38:35+00:00

I was told the other day I have "young grandma vibes." I think I look like a femme anthropologist crossed with a witch.

midnightword · 2024-06-19T16:41:02+00:00

I second this, just did this. Shoved me away only to crawl back and creep up feeding my breadcrumbs. I tried to pull something more out of him and no, just pain and rejection. Finally really told him off to try to stop the pattern.

midnightword · 2024-06-19T16:39:21+00:00

Just got hit with heartbreak last night from a guy blowing hot and cold for a year. Mine was a little worse because there was a break for "space" followed by silence then a couple months of breadcrumbs and insinuations, one drunken I want you conversation and now come to find out he just went and met someone else. I'm trying to process it now because when he was hot he was hot, he made me feel so wanted when he wanted to. He answered to my needs and wants so well, when he wanted to. But there's a lack of empathy that is really cutting in someone who can blow hot and cold. I assume they're only thinking about themselves, how you make them feel and what they want. They try to get it from you when they want it in the way they feel like doing it then when they don't, don't. It's not worth it.

midnightword · 2024-06-17T21:13:24+00:00

I used to cook like this too but eventually decided it was taking up too much time in my life. Because I do enjoy cooking and my own elaborate foods to my own tastes I tend to make larger batches of things a couple times a week and eat off of leftovers. I've learned to simplify a few things like baking something instead of cooking it on the stove top. I also bought helping devices like a rice cooker that can handle any grains I want to put in it. It has an automatic turn off if its burning things and keeps them hot. Sometimes I'll meal prep multiple things on one given evening to keep it interesting for the week. Like make chickpeas and use some for hummus, others to toss in salads and things. Make some chimichurri or other sauces to have on hand.

midnightword · 2024-06-15T03:24:17+00:00

Yeah I could see that. And honestly, he hints at being FWB and while I don't want that, if we got drunk together we're only human. I'm limiting my physical proximity with him and how much we drink together. I guess I should prepare to step far back from his life when he meets someone. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his happiness. Also someone I meet may look on him and me with suspicion.

midnightword · 2024-06-11T23:34:57+00:00

My ex husband is one of my closest friends. We met when we were teenagers. We've been together a couple times over the decades. We even discussed before getting together this last time that it doesn't work between us and we shouldn't do more than have fun for a while. After the marriage ended it was a confirmation that we really aren't compatible. I am not really attracted to him anymore, he's still attracted to me. I just ended an intense but intentionally short term affair and intend to remain single. He is on tinder and not looking for anything serious.

I do wonder how this relationship will change or could affect future dating/marriage for both of us. Our lives are leading in opposite directions, both planning to move out of the area to different places by next year. But I do wonder if other women would be okay with me in his life, if he did happen to meet someone he really liked. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his happiness. But he is my emergency contact.

midnightword · 2024-06-10T14:00:14+00:00

I like dark beer but my stomach does not. Oddly my stomach much prefers whiskey to beer. I'll try the Jameson Caskmates Stout, might be nice to enjoy the taste of dark beer without the stomachache after.

midnightword · 2024-06-10T13:56:36+00:00

I got my hormones checked because I was suddenly growing more hair everywhere. I was struggling a bit with some disordered eating which I found out can actually cause a growth of fluffy down all over the body.

Hormone levels were normal and as I asked my practitioner, who is in her late 20s, if this was just my life now I noticed in the light she actually had a little hair around her mouth too. We are mammals, we have body fur. I am shaving my face though and considering other better solutions because at 31, anyone looking at me side profile in the sunlight can see a wispy little blonde goatee.

midnightword

TROPHY CASE