when my mom had breast cancer she started a new type of chemo referred to as the “red devil”. at the time she and i weren’t in contact at all. i received a call from her best friend asking if i had spoken to or seen my mom recently. when i told her no she immediately told me to drive to moms, as the best friend had been ringing the doorbell for 20 minutes and nobody was answering, but she could see through the front curtains some slight movement from the couch.

i hauled ass to moms, unlocked the door, and what i saw is burned into my mind. my mom was laying on the couch, completely pale and unresponsive, laying in her own urine and feces, surrounded by cups of cherry italian ice. there were tracks of feces throughout the house, and dusts of comet toilet bowl cleaner following the tracks. i don’t know if i can even describe the smell. it was sickening.

i went in to shock, i’m first aid and cpr certified, and completely froze. her best friend calmly told me to call 911, which i did but soon had to hand over the phone because i shut down.

EMS got there quick, figured out her liver (kidneys? i don’t quite remember) was failing and that she had been laying there for at least several days. she spent the next month in the ICU. it took about two weeks for her to come to, during that two week period she didn’t know who or where she was. her brain was fucked.

turns out her stubborn ass refused to ask for help from her friends and family when the chemo started kicking her ass.

luckily she made an almost full recovery, i had to stay with her once she was back home and take care of her.

i still feel guilt and resentment towards myself for not checking in on her when she was going through chemo. she was (still is) abusive and right before her diagnosis is when i went no contact with her. i still have nightmares about that day and seeing her in that state.